Riposte Archive

RIPOSTE
archive
by RIP RENSE

copyright 2002-24 Rip Rense. No Riposte column may be reprinted without permission of the author.
Yes, This is Who We Are
(July 8, 2022)
This has to stop. Now. This can’t go on any longer! What is wrong with Republicans! What can be done? This is not who we are.
These are typical bleats and social media tweets epidemic every time there is what TeeVee Newsmannequins term a “mash shooting” in the country---whether of poor little children, doctors, nurses, office colleagues, shoppers, parade-goers, other wretched unsuspecting law-abiding innocents.
Give This Lennon Song One More Chance
(Apr. 2, 2021)
It is well known that John Lennon had a lot of trouble getting songs “right,” just the way he wanted them. “Strawberry Fields Forever” is the most obvious case in point, as it wound up in multiple early versions.
Let the fish-fry proceed
(May 7, 2020)
Let’s see, let’s see. . .
A million point two total infections in Uncle Sam Land. Seventy-five thousand-plus brand spankin’ new corpses. With those cute rigor mortis grins and blind dry eyeballs. Hospitals little more than clearing houses for the Great Beyond. Or probably not so great. Refrigerator truck doors bursting open from overloading of cold human COVID-cured meat. Please rise for our national anathema. . .
Gimme Shelter (winner, L.A. Press Club competition.)
(April 13, 2020)
It's lurking. It's salivating. It's breathless, waiting in the pandemic quiet. And at first opportunity, it will step out, roaring, spitting fire, devouring free will yet again as it commands you, you, you, and you to consume, consume, consume. All in the name of "returning to normal."
Lennon's Great Lost Song
(Oct. 9, 2018)
John Lennon’s so-called “house husband” years really are so much bunk, so much (double) fantasy. Oh, he had retreated, yes, and he was intent on spending fatherly time with his young child, Sean, and he did, by all accounts, become adept at baking bread.
L' Kikki pour L'Art
(July 17, 2017)
There is a type of bird common in Central America, an unassuming little thing in chestnut and dark brown called the Nightingale Wren. Marshmallow-sized, it hops around wood and dale, minding its simple wren business, doing no harm. You wouldn’t pay it the slightest attention except that every now and then, the whole of its body puffs up to almost twice normal size, and the whole of its being is poured into a song so lyrical, so arresting, as to make the little bird utterly unforgettable. This is the artist, Kikki Eder.
Sgt. Pepper Summer
(Also published in Pyschological Perspectives, quarterly publication of the C.G. Jung Institute in Los Angeles)
So many are rhapsodizing about the new, improved “Sgt. Pepper,” I just couldn’t join the crowd. The Internet is writhing, contorting with think pieces (term sometimes used charitably)---about how the album “changed the world,” “changed the face of music forever,” blah blah blah. (Nothing about music’s arms or legs.) The use of the word, “iconic” should carry criminal penalties.
Don't You Let That Deal Go Down
(Apr. 24, 2017)
I signed a publishing deal for my new mystery, "The Death Sisters," with a well known and established publisher in New York. A signed contract, accepted and formalized. I also canceled the deal and decided to self-publish. Follow me, if you will, down this particular rabbit hole. . .
The Woman Who Came To Dinner
(Nov. 27, 2016)
Well. Let me tell you a little about my lovely Thanksgiving dinner! My spousal unit and I found a hotel that offered a decent dinner, not expensive and not crowded. We figured on a quiet, modest repast, and then home. But dumbass (that's me) got it in my head that my spousal unit's lonely friend, Francine, might wish to join the proceedings.
The Last Mexican Of Venice (Winner, first place, L.A. Press Club Competition.)
(Oct. 18, 2015)
The Last Mexican of Venice is gone. The flippers got her. Yanked her like a rotten, smelly tooth. Sent L.A. County Sheriff’s deputies to do it.
Jeannine Mendoza grew up in Venice. She and her four siblings waded in the marshes before there was a Marina del Rey, built bonfires on the beach before it was illegal, delighted in its unpretentious working-class Little Rascals streets.
Gentle Things (November 4, 2013)
In brutish, crass, profanity-spitting L.A., in developer-ravaged $2500-a-month “elegant density” L.A., in have-and-have-not ethnically separated L.A., in get-out-of-my-way-(epithet of choice), hit-and-run, texting-and-primping-while-driving L.A. . . Gentle things still happen.
Sad Gay Matters (Aug. 6, 2012)
On a recent Facebook post concerning the fact that the late astronaut Sally Ride never revealed that she was gay, I made this comment: “She had modesty, dignity, and the apparent belief that this was her private business. Unlike so much of the so-called ‘gay community.’” Uh-oh!
Well, Cierra Mi Boca! (July 23, 2012)
A recent KCET on-line column by “poet and journalist” Adolfo Guzman-Lopez begins: “I see the edges of a Spanish bilingual future in Southern California, a time when speaking Spanish is as accepted and expected as hearing French in Quebec. It'll be a time when non-Spanish speakers don't feel threatened when they hear Spanish in the workplace and on the street.” This is so puzzling.
The Great Wannberg (Sept. 8, 2011)
Sound the general alarm. SOS. Lower the masts to half-flag. Call your mom and tell her you love her. Or that you don’t. The moon has retired, the sun says it was only kidding, songbirds can’t carry a tune. The thumb slipped out of the dike, the soufflé imploded, the zeppelin crashed. Oh, the manatee. The Great Wannberg is dead.
Funeral's Over (Dec. 8, 2010)
I don’t want to write, think, or hear about John Lennon’s murder any more. This will be the last time I ever write anything about it, and I’m none too enthused, either. I feel like a pallbearer at a 30-year funeral. My shoulders are paralyzed.
Walnuts (Sept. 25, 2010)
I am looking at a bunch of walnuts. They are shriveled with age, and each has a smudge of ink on one side. One or two of the smudges is still discernible as a face, drawn long ago.
Doncha Think? (July 12, 2010)
Trixie the cat looks out the window a lot. I mean a lot. She parks herself half on my scanner, and half on the sill, folds her paws in “cat position,” because she can’t help it, and watches. Me, I try not to watch.
Brain Freyer (July 1, 2010)
I’ve come full Ring circle. Or cycle. Well, sort of. Some will accuse me of brain Freyer. As if I’ve gone around once too many times on the big Freyer Frisbee on stage at his much-debated L.A. Opera treatment of Wagner’s “Der Ring Des Nibelungen."
LTSEWH (June 17, 2010)
Call them Less Than Satisfying Encounters With Humanity, or LTSEWH, just to come up with a really stupid, ungainly, impossible-to-pronounce acronym. Names are included when possible in order to fully humiliate the guilty. LTSEWH # 1: Sidetracked
Race Note (June 4, 2010)
It’s just beyond beyond-belief. Now it’s racism. This is why those seasoned critics at major U.S. newspapers including the New York Times and Washington Post were critical of Gustavo Dudamel. It’s not his rubato that’s the problem, it’s his latino. He’s not white!
Dear James Rainey (May 27, 2010)
You wrote a good column about Dudamel. All your columns are good, in my view. The writing is straightforward, clearly expressed, thoughtful. Now that I’ve buttered you up, I have to tell you that however understandable is your assertion that Dudamel has been slighted by critics acting out of (mostly) eastern snobbery, that assertion is. . .wrong. I’m sorry to use that hammer-blow of a word, but just for your edification, it just ain’t the case.
RINGGGG. . .It's The Ring Calling (May 20, 2010)
I phoned L.A. Opera a week ago, after receiving a recorded “robo-call” with KUSC’s smooth-voiced Rich Capparela touting the embattled Achim Freyer-directed “Ring Cycle.”
Driving Around (Apr. 27, 2010)
I was driving around the other day. This is what you do in Los Angeles, a lot of the time. You drive around. Everyone drives around and around and around. Zip, dart, stop, roar, crash, screech, honk, crawl, idle, fuck you. You wonder, if humans didn’t have cars, would they do so much driving around?

RENSE'S "L.A. RING" COVERAGE
Reviews and commentaries of L.A. Opera's controversial staging of Wagner's "Der Ring des Nibelungen."
Val-hell-a (Feb. 25, 2009)
Rense reviews "Das Rheingold," the first in the series of four operas.
The Lonely Booer (Apr. 8, 2009)
Rense reviews "Die Walkure," the second in the "Ring" cycle. Also, Rense reacts to L.A.Times music critic Mark Swed noting the presence of a "lonely booer" letting loose at the sight of director Achim Freyer. The "lonely booer" was. . .Rense.
A Boo For Swed (Apr. 8, 2009)
Rense comments in sidebar on Swed's assertion that listening to Wagner might make you "want to keep company with Hitler."
The Lonely Booer 2 (May 1, 2009)
L.A. Times music critic Mark Swed boos back at Rense, and Rense responds.
Southland Uber Alles (July 29, 2009)
Rense comments on L.A. County Supervisor Mike Antonovich's motion to quash a citywide "Ring" Festival on the basis that Wagner was an anti-Semite.
Siggy Stardust (Oct. 5, 2009)
Rense Reviews L.A. Opera's "Siegfried."
Rense Rebuts L.A. Times's Mark Swed on "Siegfried" (Oct. 5, 2009)
Rense counters Swed's cheerleading for absurd Achim Freyer production.
Der Ring des Nibelooney
(Apr. 14, 2010) Rense comments on the final Freyer "Ring" installment, "Gotterdammerung."
Another Boo For Mark Swed
(Apr. 14, 2010) Rense asks why the L.A. Times music critic did not mention the loudest booing in L.A. Opera history, following "Gotterdammerung," and Swed responds.
RINGGGG. . .It's The Ring Calling
(May 20, 2010) I phoned L.A. Opera a week ago, after receiving a recorded “robo-call” with KUSC’s smooth-voiced Rich Capparela touting the embattled Achim Freyer-directed “Ring Cycle.”
Brain Freyer (July 1, 2010)
I’ve come full Ring circle. Or cycle. Well, sort of. Some will accuse me of brain Freyer. As if I’ve gone around once too many times on the big Freyer Frisbee on stage at his much-debated L.A. Opera treatment of Wagner’s “Der Ring Des Nibelungen."

Der Ring des Nibelooney (Apr. 14, 2010)
I get it. It’s a comedy. Like the old Saturday Night Live spoof, “Bad Theater,” hosted by the hilariously erudite prig, Leonard Pinth-Garnell (Dan Ackroyd.) Right. Achim Freyer’s burlesque of Wagner’s “Der Ring des Nibelungen” is satire. Why didn’t I see it before? Freyer is sending up the stereotype of modern opera descecration as done by blowhards, poseurs, frauds, egomaniacs. This is I Love Nibelucy. The Ringer Cycle. Der Ring des Nibelooney.
Another Boo For Mark Swed (Apr. 14, 2010)
Los Angeles Times music critic Mark Swed needs to retire, or to be reprimanded by his bosses. Or hired by Los Angeles Opera, for which he seems more inclined to work.
Adventure on a Tuesday (Mar. 17, 2010)
Incipient spring was in the air like a fat guy sitting in front of you in a theater. It was hard to see the day, such was the hugeness of heat and blossom and pollen and perfume. And the suddenly brighter, painfully brighter, sunshine.
LTSEWH (Mar. 10, 2010)
Because of the nearly year-long drought in Less Than Satisfying Encounter With Humanity columns, and because of the popularity of the past two weeks’ worth, and because I just can’t get interested in writing about any of the cripplingly stupid, inane, futile “issues of the day,” hey, kids, here’s yet another. . .
LTSEWH (Feb. 25, 2009)
After the wild acclaim for last week's LTSEWH, it seemed only right to have an encore. . .Call them Less Than Satisfying Encounters With Humanity, or LTSEWH, just to come up with a really stupid, ungainly, impossible-to-pronounce acronym. Names are included when possible in order to fully humiliate the guilty.
LTSEWH (Feb. 19, 2010)
Some of you have asked why I continue to write the Less Than Satisfying Encounters With Humanity column after so many years. Good question! You’re right---calling attention to the brutish, stupid behavior of Los Angeles humans does nothing to change it.
Dr. Mendoza's Amazing Life (Feb. 10, 2010)
So in his big sign-off speech at NBC, Conan O’ Brien said that if you are “kind” and “work really hard,” then “amazing things will happen” to you. Well, he’s so right. Let me tell you about my friend, Jeannine Mendoza. Amazing things have happened to her.
A Little Gut Music (Feb. 3, 2010)
There we were, Annie and I, sitting peacefully in Dizzy Hell---Disney Hall to you---in the “west terrace,” which we had no more trouble locating than Mark Twain had finding optimism.
Dr. Dude (Jan. 27, 2010)
I’m writing this with somewhere between one and two kidneys. Not that this interferes with typing, but it can sort of theoretically compromise, oh. . .life.
Doctors Are The Enemy (Jan. 27, 2010)
Doctors are the enemy. Right now, I am nearly doubled over in pain from kidney stones, and able to type for two reasons: Vicodin, and anger.

SEATTLE RINGER
A completely inconsequential six-part series about my trip to Seattle this past August to see Wagner's "Der Ring des Nibelungen" performed by Seattle Opera.
Seattle Ringer 1: Lugnuts from Loge (Dec. 9, 2009)
I spent many years flying to the Orient and back, and lost my taste for extra leg room long ago. Plus I am not exactly confident in my luck, generally speaking. Add to that all the horror stories of air travel today, and it takes a lot to get me on a plane. A lot, as in Wagner’s “Der Ring Des Nibelungen,” as staged by Seattle Opera every four years.
Seattle Ringer 2: Verdant Valhalla (Dec. 16, 2009)
So I was sitting in the Bamboo Garden Chinese Vegetarian restaurant a couple of blocks from Seattle's stupendous, lyrical McCaw Opera House, with its gargantuan mural proclaiming “The Ring” to most of the city, when they walked in.
Seattle Ringer 3: Der Rense des Nibelungen (Dec. 23, 2009)
As I mentioned, my father introduced me to Wagner's “Der Ring des Nibelungen” when I was ten, via the recordings of Georg Solti and the Vienna Philharmonic on our precociously gigantic living room stereo. Should have named the speakers Fasolt and Fafnir.
Seattle Ringer 4: Sleepless in Seattle (Dec. 30, 2009)
The morning before “Siegfried,” the third of the Ring Operas, we went out to do tai-chi under the Space Needle. Might it prove some lightning rod for karma? A mysterious locus of chi that we might incorporate into our tai-chi set?
Seattle Ringer 5: Arterdammerung (Jan. 5, 2010)
There it was, on the floor of the Seattle Art Museum: a piece of canvas, in the middle of a gallery of modern paintings by various artists. My first impulse was to remove it, lest some lost-in-thought art-gazer might slip on it and sue the museum for a broken sacroiliac. But as I approached, I saw that the filthy piece of cloth. . .
Seattle Ringer 6: Twilight of the Snobs (Jan.12, 2010)
“The Ring” has Valhalla, home of the gods, and Seattle has Queen Anne Hill, home of the snobs. Actually, the denizens we bumped into in Queen Anne Hill were friendly, down-to-earth, talkative. Perhaps the snobs were on vacation. It was August, after all. But the neighborhood sits high above the opera house and the city, a lofty enclave of humans effectively as rich as gods, replete with homes the size and sweep of Rhine castles and the Hall of the Gibichungs of the fourth “Ring” opera, “Gotterdammerung" ("Twilight of the Gods.")

Music and Cats (Nov. 18, 2009)
"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats."
- Albert Schweitzer. CATS: Winky the Criminal Cat just does not show any signs of rehabilitation. He continues with his whisker, whisker ways---from “spraying” to throwing up to “scooting” (essentially using the carpet as toilet paper) to beating up his poor sister, Maggie.
Fifty-Six (Nov. 4, 2009)
I'd rather be. . .Singing in the old Tehachipi Glee Club with W. C. Fields. On my bike, minus training wheels for the first time, with my brother holding the back end steady. Or so I thought, until I turned around, and saw him about thirty feet behind me, smiling. At which point, I promptly fell over.
El Dia de los Muertos (Oct. 28, 2009)
In keeping with the spirit of El Dia de los Muertos (Day of the Dead), the Mexican holiday in which deceased friends, relatives and ancestors are celebrated (Nov. 1, 2), I hereby take a very deep breath. . .and pay tribute to a few souls I have been fortunate enough to know.
Of Course It's Sad (Oct. 19, 2009)
I’ve seen tortured reasoning, but seldom something as Abhu Graibed as a recent bit of politically correct crapola in the form of a brief commentary by KPCC’s popular John “Off Ramp” Rabe.
Dream Conductor (Oct. 14, 2009)
I interviewed Gustavo Dudamel the other night. I know, I know, quite a coup. Yes, met around 3 a.m., on Ether Street in the Land of Nod. I was deeply asleep at the time, but it didn’t stop me from doing the interview (old journalistic reflexes and all that.) And for some miraculous reason, I was able to understand all his Spanish, and transcribe precisely into English. Here is the full transcript.
Siggy Stardust (Oct. 5, 2009)
It’s hard to be glib about the Achim Freyer L.A. Opera production of “Siegfried,” which premiered Sept. 29. Just as it is hard to be glib about, oh, murder.
LTSEWH (Sept. 24, 2009)
Call them Less Than Satisfying Encounters With Humanity. Only the names have been changed---well, actually, as few names as possible have been changed. I like to include them whenever I happen to know them, and the threat of lawsuit is not too great. Yes, that’s LTSEWH (try and pronounce it) for, um, short.
I Read The News Today, Oh Boy (Sept. 17, 2009)
Had a little time to kill (before it kills me) prior to a physical therapy appointment the other morning, so I bought a newspaper, because you still can. Well, what passes for a newspaper. I spent 82 cents (gasp) for the new L.A. Times. Right, the thinner version, with the giant logo at the top of page one, and the giant ad at the bottom.
Lingo Czar is Good To Go (Sept. 10, 2009)
The Lingo Czar is back from, among other things: a visit to the ER for an exploded shoulder (my, that Dilaudid was good!), five weeks with no use of the right arm, a month-long virus that turned sinus cavity and sleep mechanism into a carnival, a vacation that necessitated a good deal of Xanax, and, of course, the usual disgust with humanity and its inane use of language. To say that His Wordliness is happy to be back is not exactly accurate, but niceties of some sort seem requisite here.
Save Sweet Joe (Aug. 17, 2009)
I like Natalie Cole. She’s a fine singer, and deserves all the accolades and success she gets. It’s tough being the artist offspring of a great artist. I was sorry to hear that she had Hepatitis C, even if she did contract it through drug abuse. I was sorry to hear that the treatment for Hepatitis C apparently wrecked her kidneys, and that she needed a transplant.
Southland Uber Alles (July 29, 2009)
The entire worth of the work of the so-called “Founding Fathers” is, of course, nullified by the fact that they tolerated slavery. Every noble value espoused, every courageous act to establish a republic with representative democracy---all are voided by racism, and the rendering of human beings as commodity.
Dyer Begone! (July 20, 2009)
Let us pray. Or more likely, let us prey. This more or less describes modern Amurricuns. They either pray, or prey, or are preyed upon (often while praying.)
King of Poop (July 2, 2009)
If I become ill mid-way through writing this, please bear with me. Yes, that’s correct, I’ve been lured into writing about the late, and getting later, Michael Jackson. He has not yet risen from the dead, but I wouldn’t argue that prospect with his fans.
Sotomenor (June 23, 2009)
Is Sonia Sotomayor a racist? You bet your black/white/brown/yellow hind she is. So are you. So am I. So is Oprah Winfrey and Stephen Spielberg and Conan O’ Brien and whoever wins the next “American Idol.”
Defriended (May 29, 2009)
I’ve been defriended. Or defaced. Or debooked. Which is to say, I’ve been de-Facebook Friended.
Who Cares? (May 14, 2009)
I don’t care anymore. It’s a long way to Tipperary. Whoever gets the most toys wins. The goddamn horse won the goddamn race. I don’t care. I’ve been posing, in showing great concern for this and that in this space. The truth is, I have no concern. I have only caffeine. It’s all a bore. The glass is half-empty. The glass is half-full. Everything’s great. Everything’s awful. It’s all the same, it’s all different, it’s all brain chemistry.
The Lonely Booer 2 (May 1, 2009)
Mark Swed has booed back. Yes, the L.A. Times music critic has aimed a boo-broadside against your heroic, lowly, not-so-boo-colic Internet columnist, in the waning medium of print, year of our Lord 2009.
LTSEWH (Apr. 23, 2009)
Call them Less Than Satisfying Encounters With Humanity, or LTSEWH, just to confound people with a ridiculous acronym. Names are never changed unless noted, to ensure fullest fame.
Nice Guy Finishes (Apr. 9, 2009)
I’m eating a coconut macaroon, which is more than Steve Plesa can do. Actually, anything I do is more than Steve Plesa can do. Steve’s taken the last exit off the Meat Highway. He’d like that turn of phrase, I’m sure. He’d laugh lustily, and shake his head sardonically, and add something funny to it. And I wish he could.
The Lonely Booer (Apr. 8, 2009)
Hey, Ma, that was me! I am the “lonely booer” of the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion.
I am the guy who was mooooooing and ooooooooing from the front row of Balcony A at the opening night of Wagner’s “Die Walkure,” at the sight of director Achim Freyer. (Hands cupped, for extra projection.) Valiantly, just as Mark said. No longer freelancing, and still making the Times!
Val-hell-a (Feb. 25, 2009)
In Richard Wagner's "Das Rheingold," the first of the four operas in his "Ring Cycle," the Rheingold is stolen by the hideous, malicious dwarf, Alberich, after he renounces love.In L.A. Opera's "Das Rheingold," which debuted this past weekend, the "Rheingold" was stolen by a man with a hideous, malicious dwarf brain, Achim Freyer, after he renounced love of opera. Or at least respect.
Music and Cats (Feb. 18, 2009)
Winky the Criminal Cat has struck. It wasn’t enough for him to wolf down his food and then puke it all over the carpet. Wasn’t enough for him to drive me to spend vast sums of money to find out why he pukes all over the carpet. (Never found out. He baffles science.) Wasn’t enough that I had to cook chicken and rice for him for weeks---until, you guessed it---he started puking that up, too.
LTSEWH (Feb. 4, 2009)
Call them Less Than Satisfying Encounters With Humanity. Only the names have been changed---well, actually, as few names as possible have been changed. I like to include them whenever I happen to know them, and the threat of lawsuit is not too great. Yes, that’s LTSEWH (try and pronounce it) for, um, short.
Dream Newspaper (Jan. 11, 2009)
I had a dream a while back, and thought of sharing it here, but hell, people think I'm nuts enough without me spilling my subconscious all over these pixels. On the other hand, to quote John Lennon, "it can't get no worse," so. . .
The Elefante in the Room (Dec. 18, 2008)
A friend of mine at Associated Press sent me a column by the L.A. Times's Hector Tobar recently. It was a feature about the controversial elephant exhibit at the Los Angeles Zoo, but wait, it wasn't a feature---it was a first-person piece, as you found out a full three paragraphs in. And it was. . .strange.
The Beatle Goes On (Dec. 17, 2008)
So I read Paul McCartney's claims that he “politicized the Beatles” after dropping in on his neighbor, Bertrand Russell, and finding out that the Vietnam War was “a very bad war.”As opposed, one would presume, to a “very good war.”
Buddhism, Dude-ism (Dec. 11, 2008)
The other day, Dec. 8, was Bodhi Day---the Buddhist holiday commemorating the moment that Shakyamuni, or Siddhartha, attained enlightenment while sitting beneath a sacred fig tree (eventually dubbed a bodhi---enlightenment---tree.)
Anchors Aweigh (Dec. 3, 2008)
I have been smiling like a rich, happy-talk news anchor after reading that layoffs are hitting local TeeVee Newsmannequins.
JL vs. JC Again (Nov. 25, 2008)
I read the news today, oh boy, about Obama possibly naming Monsanto shill Tom Vilsack as secretary of agriculture (help!), and Donald Rumsfeld opining in the NYT about strategy in Afghanistan (cough), and Ahmad Chalabi---the Zelig of the Middle East---kissing Obama’s ring in the NYT in yet another slimy bid to become emperor of Iraq. . .
Dr. Death (Nov. 22, 2008)
Let me tell you about Dr. Death. He is a Southern California neurological surgeon, a specialist in brain tumors. I will not name him here, because I do not wish to cause problems for a friend who is, or was, being treated by him. I will make up for this omission one day.
LTSEWH (Nov. 15, 2008)
Call them Less Than Satisfying Encounters with Humanity, or LTSEWH, for um, short. They are intended as a chronicle of the decline in civility, efficiency, and deference, written with just the slightest implication of humor, in this, the alleged 21st century.
Pre-Election Ramble (Oct. 30, 2008)
I can’t write the obligatory glib, analytical “election eve” column. I’m beyond fried on this spectacle. Let Rachel Maddow and Keith Olbermann have a good time dissecting the minutae of the madness.What really to say?
Rebutting the Rabbi (Oct. 17, 2008)
God told me to read Rabbi David Wolpe’s recent L.A.Times opinion piece, “Maher’s Documentary Misses the Point” (Oct. 7), because God likes to prod and upset me. Or I'm sure he would, if he were the anthropomorphic-type Cosmic Dude that most people think him to be.
Peck, Peck. . .Squawk! (Oct. 9, 2008)
Many years ago, a doctor grabbed my testicles, squeezed with all his might, and jabbed a needle into the left one. True story. (There was some fluid that needed “aspirating.”)
Lingo Czar Sits on His Assit (Oct. 6, 2008)
The Lingo Czar has been busy interviewing Sarah Palin, which is a lot like going for a swim in the Dead Sea, and has so far discovered that she:
Hey, Martha! (Sept. 24, 2008)
He looked sort of like Santa Claus with a good brown dye-job and tortoise-shell glasses. He certainly had the smile. Paul Corkery. Dead. These words belong together as much as cats and water, clowns and funerals, Edgar Allan Poe and Mickey Mouse.
Nothing Much (Sept. 18, 2008)
I know as much about money as playing trombone. Underwater. Let me explain. Way back before apes evolved into Republicans (proof of evolution!), I had something called a "checking account." This was when I had something called a "job." And in this checking account, there were things called “dollars”---at least a few. Really. I spent every one of them.
Obama Must Call for Palin's Removal (Sept. 10, 2008)
To quote W.C. Fields, The Democrats must "take the bull by the tail and face the situation." Sarah Palin must be dealt with, and without restraint. No more of this focus-group pre-figuring all the language, all the angles, of each carefully staged "attack." That will focus-group Obama right out of the White House.
LTSEWH (Sept. 4, 2008)
Call them Less Than Satisfying Encounters with Humanity, or LTSEWH, for um, short. They are intended as a chronicle of the decline in civility, efficiency, and deference, written with just the slightest implication of humor, in this, the alleged 21st century. Names are included when possible to protest the incompetent.
Bim Bam Boom (Aug. 29, 2008)
Every time I think I should write about Obama and McCain, I wind up thinking of this video from the great Richard Elfman film, “The Forbidden Zone,” especially the part with the fat kid in the mouse ears. Take a look.
The Times Zells Out (July 31, 2008)
Sam Zell, you are the death rattle of newspapers in arguably human form. You are so profoundly and willfully ignorant of the importance of newspapers, so completely devoid of respect for their function in this society, that it causes the brain to bend over, clutch its sides, and purge itself of any remaining hope and sense.
Lingo Czar (July 24, 2008)
The Lingo Czar has been in China, helping to affix fake Chinese facades to office buildings and storefronts and paint them red---to give the place the veneer of traditional Chinese culture for the Olympic Games. He gave up when he realized that no one could see any of the storefronts because the air has more particulate matter in it than the Venice Beach.
Westwood Ramble (July 17, 2008)
I’m screwed without caffeine, as this column will reveal.Caffeine makes me feel young and interested again, instead of aging and jaded. Jaded? My general interest in things has been sandblasted by human idiocy and betrayal.
Automotive Husbandry (July 11, 2008)
I don’t know about you, but I’m rooting for a new Depression. Right, in addition to the one I wake up in. Complete with Box Car Willies and Hoovervilles (Cheneyvilles?) and Wall Street suicides. My old friend, Dick Partlow, wrote a couple weeks back: “What’s it going to take to turn this mess around? A new Depression to bring about a new FDR?”
Truth Be Told (June 26, 2008)
Nobody I know of ever spoke more no-bullshit than George Carlin. Not even Frank Zappa, the no-bullshittiest speaker I’ve ever heard. It was nice of George, really. He was a hero for persevering through relentless absurdity, for keeping his mind facile, for continuing to evolve his art, for preaching the lonely gospel of No Bullshit.
Bowled Over (June 19, 2008)
Los Angeles Magazine has been running a poll for some time asking people to pick the single greatest thing about L.A..My choice: “To not live in L.A.,” was not available.
Spike Vs. Clint (June 9, 2008)
Spike Lee, spike it. That's an old newspaper term, by the way, meaning to put copy that has already been processed on to a metal spike in order that it not be edited again. More or less. Spike, you are not only a buffoon in silly and very expensive glasses, not only a rather stupid man whose laconic pose does not disguise shallow thinking, but you are an arrogant racist.
LTSEWH (May 29. 2008)
Call them Less Than Satisfying Encounters with Humanity, or LTSEWH, for um, short. They are intended as a chronicle of the decline in civility and deference, written with just the slightest implication of humor, in this, the alleged 21st century. Names are included when possible to protest the impudent. (Please note: LTSEWH is now a book, with wonderful illustrations! Buy one, you ingrates.)
Music and Cats (May 22, 2008)
"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." - Albert Schweitzer. CATS: This lovely fellow sent an anonymous e-mail recently in which he suggested that the reason my two cats, Winky and Maggie, are peculiar, is. . .me.
TeeVee or not TeeVee (May 14, 2008)
So the goddamn thing blew up. That’s right, the eye blinked and did not open again---the big black eye that reveals an Alice-in-Wonderland/Dante’s Inferno cornucopia of crap every time you hit “power” on the remote. Power?
Lingo Czar's Aha! Moment (May 8, 2008)
The Lingo Czar is freshly returned from the printer, supervising the final touches on his forthcoming tome, “BAD WORDS,” soon to be available in The Rip Post bookstore. This, of course, will be a comprehensive compendium of rigidly conformist slang, pin-headed outbursts, "cool" expressions, abominable cliches, infantile drivel, smug rejoinders, mandatory peer-enforced buzzwords and idiotspeak that Americans are spewing from their 500 word vocabularies, as their knuckles drag ever closer to the earth.
Hugh Douglas Brown Memorial Apartments
(Apr. 18, 2008)
Oh, my, where do I start? How about here: many, many (many) years ago, I was at party where someone had hooked an enormous eight-armed hookah to an aquarium pump. The hookah was packed with good old pre-super-pot pot. The pump provided each inhalee with the hit of the century.
Ode to Air (Apr. 10, 2008)
A friend wrote to me the other day about a “certain dearth” of oxygen in L.A. air. That sounded like somebody from Arkansas saying “certain death,” which is what the certain dearth of oxygen in L.A. likely will soon bring about.
Hitler and Hardy (Apr. 1, 2008)
I have nothing to say. I was thinking of posting that as a column. After all, it quotes one of the funniest human beings who ever lived, Oliver Norvell Hardy. You can’t do any better. But thinking about Hardy reminded me of something terribly sad, and critically important, and I have at last decided to reveal here exclusively:
The Speech (Mar. 27, 2008)
So we again are flayed and whipped by the “race issue” in the USA, which reminds me of the W.C. Fields adage, “Time to take the bull by the tail and face the situation.” Or, as the great Don Van Vliet says, “It’s like trying to find out what the bull ate.”
Making Funny (Mar. 18, 2008) Winner, L.A. Press Club competition.
Early at the Herald-Examiner reunion last week at the L.A. Press Club, former editor Jim Bellows arrived on the arm of longtime friend (and successor at the Herald) Mary Ann Dolan. Bellows used a cane, and moved like a guy in his 80’s, because he is.
A Word From Mr. Javitz (Mar. 13, 2008)
Let me tell you a little about Louis B. Javitz. It’s important that you know about him, I think, and importance is a term I don’t just toss around.
Lingo Czar Recalibrates (Mar. 4, '08)
The Lingo Czar has been in a long period of reclusion, apparently overwhelmed by the enormity and futility of his job. Someone slipped Xanax into the royal chalice, however, and The Czar quite suddenly began issuing new proclamations. Here they are.
The Image Director (Feb. 28, 2008)
Okay, I was trying not to write about this, but somebody has to do it. To ignore it would be like ignoring an antibiotic-resistant staph infection. On your ass.
LTSEWH (Feb. 20, '08)
Call them Less Than Satisfying Encounters with Humanity, or LTSEWH, for um, short. They are intended as a chronicle of the decline in civility and deference, written with just the slightest implication of humor, in this, the alleged 21st century. Names are included when possible to protest the impudent.
Unstable Times (Jan. 23, '08)
I looked at the photo that Kevin Roderick posted at LAObserved.com of the constipated---er, consternated---staffers at the L.A. Times, and I fell on the floor. Then I got up and looked at the photo again, and fell on the floor again. Holding my sides, erupting with strange, unholy noises that my wife eventually recognized as laughter. Maybe you heard me.
Music and Cats (Jan 16, 2008)
"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." - Albert Schweitzer. CATS: Maggie the Cat could not be more different from her brother, Winky. She is a patchwork chaos of colors and patterns, he striped and sandy.
Election Poem '08 (Jan. 10, 2008)
Hillary said to Barack O.
Boo Hoo Hoo! I ain’t no ho’!
And behold and lo, it worked like a charm
New Hampshire folks all left the farm
And cast their votes for Mrs. Clinton
Of things to come it could be hintin’
Like Wild Bill back in White House saddle
And Maya Angelou our brains to addle
Teeny-Tiny (Dec. 19, 2007) Here in teeny-tiny America, teeny-tiny things happen. Teeny-tiny candidates run for office, and teeny-tiny talk show hosts endorse them. People think teeny-tiny thoughts, exclaim teeny-tiny exclamations, and engage in teeny-tiny chicaneries.
Teeny-tiny yawn.
LTSEWH (Dec. 12, 2007)
Call them Less Than Satisfying Encounters with Humanity, or LTSEWH, for um, short. They are intended as a chronicle of the decline in civility and deference, written with just the slightest implication of humor, in this, the alleged 21st century. Names have been included whenever possible to ensure fullest humiliation.
Music and Cats (Dec. 5, 2007)
"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." - Albert Schweitzer.
Hail, Porcupine! (Nov. 28, 2007)
I woke up last Sunday morning after a satisfying night of sleep apnea, rolled over sideways, and with one eye open, pressed the remote. I felt wrong, distorted. Someone had mistaken my head for taffy during the night, and left it twisted, elongated. My lips were up around my forehead, my ears under my chin.
Thanks For Giving (Nov. 22, 2007)
Ah, thanks for giving! That should be the cry of the wild human today, for the millions of turkeys who have gobbled their last gobble. And if you think turkeys don’t know they are being dispatched to heaven/hell/reincarnation/The Void, you’ve never been to a turkey farm.
A Queer Mess (Nov. 14, 2007)
So Dumbledore is gay. Likes to blow the bone flute. Slip his weapon of mass destruction into the heart of Baghdad. Well, now, that’s all well and good, eh? Good to know such things about a beloved figure in the most popular children’s books---the most popular books, period---in history.
The Ugly Truth (Nov. 8, 2007)
I was watching “Ugly Betty” recently---much the way one stares helplessly at the corpse in an open-casket funeral---and I got to thinking ugly thoughts. It’s easy, really. Most people do it all the time.
El Dia de los Muertos (Oct. 31, 2007)
In keeping with the spirit of El Dia de los Muertos (Day of the Dead), the Mexican holiday in which deceased friends, relatives and ancestors are celebrated (Nov. 1, 2), I hereby pay tribute to a few people I have been fortunate to know.
Fish Story (Oct. 24, 2007)
So there was this giant fish, a grouper to end all groupers, and it came here a few thousand eons ago. It opened its mouth, and out came Man. Followed shortly thereafter by Woman, and the poodle. And Man and Woman began to promptly fornicate, and give forth of their kind, which eventually outnumbered the dinosaurs, which were hunted and eaten into extinction.
Music and Cats (Oct. 17, 2007)
"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." - Albert Schweitzer.
Downtown Downer (Oct. 11, 2007)
There was a time when downtown L.A. was full of old-fashioned east coasty downtownish bustle. Men in charcoal suits and tan fedoras smoked cheap cigars, and perfumey ladies in print dresses and nylon hose shopped at the May Company. Pedestrians clogged the streets, day and night. Pacific Electric Cars clanged and electric buses sparked overhead wires, and families and poets and hookers inhabited the rotting grandeur of Bunker Hill. Garish, swanky Chinatown restaurants glowed at night, and Little Tokyo twinkled all the way to where Parker Center is today.
Assholes in Cars (10/4/07)
I was watching a PBS program recently about Rastafarians who have returned to Ethiopia to live, and one of the people interviewed was a self-described poet---from the USA. Asked what prompted his move, he said (quoting from memory here), “Have you been to L.A.?”
My Friend Barbara (9/26/07)
I got a letter from Senator Barbara Boxer the other day! She likes me, too. She called me “friend,” you know, the way Frankenstein did to the old blind hermit. Barbara was writing to me about traffic problems in Los Angeles. That’s about all friends talk about anymore.
LTSEWH (9/19/07)
LTSEWH # 1: Butting In---You know, my memory is just shot. I’m sorry. I forget that the world is a toilet, and a dumpster, and a spittoon, and an ashtray. God, no wonder I’m so bothered all the time. Most everybody else realizes these obvious things, while I’m forever worrying about ways to discreetly and benignly dispose of things that need disposing.
A Better 9/11 List (9/11/07)
On this anniversary of 9/11, as the country wallows---er, commemorates the horrific murders of unsuspecting innocent persons, there will be solemn ceremonies in every city. In many of these events, the names of the dead will be gravely recited, but I think it might make more sense to read a list of some other things.
This, That, and The Other (9/5/07)
THIS: A B-52 bomber mistakenly loaded with five nuclear warheads flew from Minot Air Force Base, N.D, to Barksdale Air Force Base, La., on Aug. 30. THAT: Russian bombers recently test-fired some missiles over the arctic, which they recently seem to have claimed for its oil reserves.
An LTSEWH. . .LTSEWH (8/30/07)
I didn’t want to go to the trouble of getting a truck to run over my legs, or an editor to ruin my life, so I wrote a book. You know the book. You see the ad for it on the right---“Less Than Satisfying Encounters With Humanity” (LTSEWH), based on my long-standing column of the same (deliberately) stupid name.
LTSWEH (8/22/07)
Call them Less Than Satisfying Encounters With Humanity, or LTSEWH, just to create a particularly stupid and unpronounceable acronym. All names have been included whenever possible in order to ensure fullest humiliation, though in some cases the more hapless have been spared out of compassion, and the interests of sparing The Rip Post lawsuits.
Give the Gift of the Lingo Czar (8/15/07)
The Lingo Czar has been busy in the garden, which bloomed vastly and sumptuously this summer---only to prompt an attack from a young female neighbor who objects to plants that are not carefully controlled at all times. The Czar decided to channel his disgust into this, his first column in months.
How 'bout the USA? (8/8/07)
Mitt the Mormon mannequinned his way into a New Hampshire diner, looking like a Dewar’s ad come to life, and began to hold forth at one of those sanitized Candidate Meets The People pop-in photo-ops. Events that became a cliché sometime around the discovery of language.
Lousy Wednesday (8/1/07)
It was Lousy Wednesday, but it was only Tuesday. Steinbeck came up with the term in his book, “Sweet Thursday.” Lousy Wednesday is a day when nothing goes right, and comes just before Sweet Thursday, a day when everything does.
A Toast (6/28/07)
I want to raise a toast this week, or a mock toast, as my stomach is not enjoying the presence of alcohol these days. So I hoist a glass of sparkling apple cider to:
Tea Time is Over (6/20/07)
I’m sitting in the mouth of the corporate beast, its demographic saliva dripping all over me, peering out through the fangs. I’m encased in market-tested earth tone walls, a ceiling with air conditioning ducts fashionably laid bare, and a few Pythagorean cut-outs of blond wood suspended from above. Carefully approved “cool” surroundings, carefully approved "cool" music.
City Footnotes (6/1/07)
You find them everywhere. Blowing down sidewalks, crumpled up in bushes, rumpled and stained in curbside gutters. Bits and pieces of daily lives, discarded or lost, there at your feet. Each one a chapter from a story, somewhere in the middle of a human book. Call them city footnotes. . .
notes from the terrace 5/23/07
Here at the Green Tea Terrace on a lugubrious, gray, pre-summer afternoon in Westwood, the Beatles are playing, which is fine with me. It’s the “Love” album, soft, with all the “mash-up” tracks where Ringo’s “The End” drum solo ushers in “Get Back,” and “Hey Bulldog” crops up in the middle of “Lady Madonna.”
Lingo, well, Czar 5/9/07
The Lingo Czar has been so transfixed by the Phil Spector Trial that he has been neglecting his duties. I mean, in all the times through the decades that Phil waved guns at people, or put them to their heads, or fired them into studio ceilings, not once did he actually shoot anybody! Not once! He was a poster boy for gun safety. So why now, all of a sudden, hmm? Doesn’t that seem a bit suspicious? Uh. . .anyhow, back to work.
LTSEWH (5/2/07)
Call them Less Than Satisfying Encounters With Humanity, or LTSEWH, just to create a ridiculously unpronouncable acronym. All names have been included whenever possible in order to ensure fullest humiliation, though in some cases the more hapless have been spared out of compassion.
notes from the terrace (4/18/07)
So it’s another afternoon here at the Terrace, the Green Tea Terrace---the calm little pistachio and orange joint with studying students and wayward officeworkers on breaks and Santa Monica Big Blue Buses flashing by. All stopping for a green afternoon pick-me-up.
City Footnotes (4/11/07)
You find them everywhere. Blowing down sidewalks, crumpled up in bushes, rumpled and stained in curbside gutters. Bits and pieces of daily lives, discarded or lost, there at your feet. Each one a chapter from a story, somewhere in the middle of a human book. Call them city footnotes. . .
Right On Time (4/6/07)
I must confess to the ultimate life sin: I am bored. I know, I know, "The world is so full of a number of things, I'm sure we should all be as happy as kings." But boredom happens, and hell, it’s probably a physiological/psychological necessity.
Miss Seipp (3/21/07) Winner, first place, L.A. Press Club Competition.
Cathy Seipp was a friend of mine. She used to love to write that about people, that so-and-so is “a friend of mine,” and I’m glad to be able to say that about her here. She was a friend of a hell of a lot of people, of course, and that’s not just a “fine legacy,” it’s an important achievement in these times of snarling and backbiting as extreme sport.
The Doctor is Inept (3/21/07)
Jerome Groopman, a chair in medicine at Harvard Medical School, has written a book called “How Doctors Think.” Maybe better to have called it, “If Doctors Think.” Me, I don’t want to know how doctors think.
Opera, Buff (3/14/07)
I went to an L.A. Opera production the other day. I could tell it was an opera, because they were singing and there was an orchestra. But those were the strongest clues.
PSSSST! (3/7/07)
I’m sitting in a little tea joint in Westwood right now, and a guy has just walked in---waddled in, really---who preceeds himself. Which is to say, his stomach enters the room before he does. He is dressed in a giant hooded sweatshirt which was yellow but is now closer to brown, and jeans that have not been washed or perhaps changed since Bush first stole the presidency.
LTSEWH (2/28/07)
Call them Less Than Satisfying Encounters With Humanity, or LTSEWH, just to create a ridiculously unpronouncable acronym. All names have been included whenever possible in order to ensure fullest humiliation, though in some cases the more hapless have been spared out of compassion.
KTLA Morning Shaux (2/22/07)
Turned on the KTLA “Morning Show” the other day. Here’s how it went: Award-Winning Journalist Carlos Amezcua: We have just learned that Britney Spears has shaved her entire ass. We are on Shave Watch this morning, and the entire KTLA Morning News will bring you the latest as it happens.
You're a Good Man, ~~Charlie Brown~~ Shermy
(2/14/07) I was renting a DVD at Vidiots one night, the specialty video joint in Santa Monica, while one of the old “Peanuts” specials was playing on the monitors. The employees tend to be entertainment freaks---uh, specialists---with encyclopedic knowledge and eclectic taste in things cinematic.
LTSEWH (2/1/07)
Call them Less Than Satisfying Encounters With Humanity, or LTSEWH, just to create a particularly unpronouncable acronym. All names have been included whenever possible in order to ensure fullest humiliation, though in some cases the more hapless have been spared out of compassion, and The Rip Post has spared itself lawsuits.
Lingo Czar is Feeling a Little Snappish (1/24/07)
Yes, it's a new lingo year, so fill your lingo lungs with lots of fresh vocabul-air, and breathe new life into the dying semblance of clear and dignified communication that we call English. Ready? Inhale now. Ssssssssssssst!
Humm Along With Homeboy (1/22/07)
Sputter. . .sputter. . .what can you say? What can you do? Inarticulate grumbling. . .profane outburst. . .sputter sputter. . .deranged shouting. . .This city is, as they say in Liverpool, shite. It is freakolooney tooney-toot-tooney. It is decking without a deal.
Poem for 2006 (Jan 14, 2006)
So on Christmas Eve I heard a nice lady pastor say that she had gone around the world. And that everywhere she went, everyone wanted the same stuff, and they were talking about Kobe Bryant in China. . .
A Christmas Story (Dec. 13, 2006)
So the Ghost of Christmas Past came to visit me this year. He came through a porthole in the ethers otherwise known as Google, after I entered my name.
Dangerous Cretin (Dec. 8, 2006)
Do something. No more blogging. No more shrugging, sighing.
Write a letter. Send an e-mail. Stand on a corner with sign. Paint your face. Join any/every protest against the persons who have stolen the United States government. Throw the maniacs out. And I mean “maniacs.”
Lingo Czar Wishes You Happy Holidays (Dec. 6, 2006)
Deck your own halls and enjoy your Christmas fa-la-la-la-olly. The Lingo Czar is hitting the eggnog early. “Holiday joy” is upon us, which of course means a holiday from sanity, reason, what little clear lingo communication is left.
Amerrycan Christmas! (Nov. 30, 2006)
A couple of you nice readers suggested, in response to my pleading boredom and (news) burnout on column writing, that I write about Christmas.Not very original, but then, you can’t avoid this topic any more than you can avoid uh. . .Christmas.
Nigger (Nov. 25, 2006)
The USofA is reacting as though Michael Richards’ cuckoo shrieking in a nightclub is a meltdown in civil rights, not a man’s career. The ‘net has “nigger” bloggorhea, the mainstream media is tiptoeing through the “nigger” aftermath with careful solemnity, Al Sharpton is sanctimoniously refusing to accept Richards’ apology. Wonder how often old Al says “nigger.”
Love Day (Nov. 21, 2006)
To hell with Thanksgiving and Christmas---today is the holiday I’m celebrating. A long time ago, when the United States was still a democratic republic and most politicians did not vote on the basis of whether they thought Jesus was hiding in the closet, there were things called “new Beatles albums.”
This, That, and The Other (Nov. 16, 2006)
THIS: Headline, L.A. Times---“BUSH WARNS AGAINST PULLOUT.”
THAT: Headline, Alternet.org---“Evangelical Group Motto: Breed to Succeed.”
LTSEWH (Nov. 9, 2006)
Call them Less Than Satisfying Encounters With Humanity, or LTSEWH, just to create a stupid, ungainly acronym. All names have been included whenever possible in order to ensure fullest humiliation, though in some cases the more hapless have been spared out of compassion.
City Footnotes (Nov. 1, 2006)
You find them everywhere. Blowing down sidewalks, crumpled up in bushes, rumpled and stained in curbside gutters. Bits and pieces of daily lives, discarded or lost, there at your feet. Each one a chapter from a story, somewhere in the middle of a human book. Call them city footnotes. . .
LTSEWH (Oct. 18, 2006)
Call them Less Than Satisfying Encounters with Humanity, or LTSEWH, for um, short. They are intended as a chronicle of the decline in civility and efficiency, patience and deference, written with just the slightest implication of humor, in this, the alleged 21st century. Names have been included whenever possible to ensure fullest humiliation, and sometimes omitted out of deep compassion.
Enraged Misanthropia (Oct. 11, 2006)
I read a column by a smug little fellow in L.A. CityBeat a while back in which he referred to bloggers as “has-beens” hawking “vanity projects.”
Amtrapped (Oct. 4, 2006)
I know I can’t fault Amtrak for the guy who jumped in front of the train just south of Santa Barbara. Or perhaps he was just taking a nap on the tracks, I don’t know---but I do know it was not Amtrak’s fault that he died.
City Footnotes (Sept. 27, 2006)
You find them everywhere. Blowing down sidewalks, crumpled up in bushes, rumpled and stained in curbside gutters. Bits and pieces of daily lives, discarded or lost, there at your feet. Each one a chapter from a story, somewhere in the middle of a human book. Call them city footnotes. . .
Workingman's Blues (Sept. 21, 2006)
I keep thinking I should write about Bush, and 9/11, and the “war on terror,” but I can’t bring myself to do it anymore. 9/11? I’d rather write about the anniversary of 7-Eleven. I’ve had it. The whole “war on terror” affair is so far beyond disgusting, so far beyond insane, so far beyond dirt-stupid, so far beyond a cheap trick, so far beyond infantile, that I can’t bring myself to comment anymore.
psst--hey! Lingo Czar Propagandizes Again (Sept. 13, 2006) The Lingo Czar is so aghast, so ashamed, so horrified at the endless propagandizing by this fiendish administration, and so embarrassed by the country’s continued wallowing in 9/11, that he has been driven out of his summer retreat to issue a new series of rulings.
LTSEWH (Aug. 16, 2006)
Call them Less Than Satisfying Encounters with Humanity, or LTSEWH, for um, short. They are intended as a chronicle of the decline in civility and deference, written with just the slightest implication of humor, in this, the alleged 21st century. Names have been included whenever possible to ensure fullest humiliation.
Breakfast Without The Beatles (Aug. 9, 2006)
Remember those late ‘50’s/early ‘60’s propaganda films about the threat of communism? You know, there was always a cartoon sequence of the planet with dirty commie countries in red. The bass-baritone narrator would declaim about the “red menace!” and brass would blare like the theme from “Godzilla.”
Dershowitless (Aug. 2, 2006)
Alan Dershowitz is sick, demented, ghoulish. Yes, you say, but how does that distinguish him from other lawyers? Good point. But Dershowitz is so twisted, so skin-crawlingly brutish that he really missed a bet, career-wise.
Love, Love Love (July 26, 2006)
Look, what can I say? I have no objectivity here. I’m gaga. I was fifteen feet away when Ringo Starr said, “Weren’t we the greatest f---in’ band ever?” to Paul McCartney, and they embraced. Sneer all you want. This was beautiful, and it was history.
A Hero's Journey (July 19, 2006)
What is happening now in Las Vegas requires new words, cliches. "Bizarre," "excess" hardly cut it. Perhaps an eloquent Brit could capture things with characteristic understatement, but I can’t. This is hypertrophus elephantiasis insanitus.
Vicious Dogs (6/28/06)
Who let the dogs out? Bush! Bush! Bush! Bush!Bush has sic’ed his curs on the free press yet again, and they are chewing the Armani cuffs of the New York Times. One e-mail snarl sent to the NYT calls for beheading publisher Arthur Shulzberger. Another was more, um, articulate:
Impeachy Keen! (6/21/06)
Dave Lindorff is not a fun guy. He’s drop-dead serious, always talking about issues and problems in pointed, pithy terms. I mean, he never worries about what Britney Spears is up to, or who will be the next American Idol, or whether Katie Couric will cut it as a CBS anchor. This is, of course, makes him practically un-American.
Venice is Sinking (6/14/06)
The answer to the murder at Venice High School is simple: expulsion. The administration, that is.
Round The Bend (6/7/06)
round the bend that’s where we are in the frying pan and get me a car I’ve got to get outta this place if it’s the last thing I ever do the third world war shuffle do the voodoo boogaloo turn around twice and everything’s sugar and spice in crummy rummyland and vice is nice but condi is dandi and cheney, my baby’s got me locked up
This, That, and The Other (6/1/06)
THIS: Eight previously unknown invertebrate creatures have been discovered in an underwater cave in central Israel.
THAT: Dick Cheney was not among them.
This, That, and The Other (5/23/06)
THIS: Heather Mills McCartney separates from Beatle Paul.
THAT: I guess their marriage was just limping along, on its last legs. But she's got a leg up on things now. As for Paul, well, I guess he's stumped. With no prenup, he doesn’t have a leg to stand on. It’s going to cost him an arm and a leg. Their marriage is out on a limb, at best.
City Footnotes (517/06)
You find them everywhere. Blowing down sidewalks, crumpled up in bushes, rumpled and stained in curbside gutters. Bits and pieces of daily lives, discarded or lost, there at your feet. Each one a chapter from a story, somewhere in the middle of a human book. Call them city footnotes. . .
Andy (5/10/06)
I’m sitting here on a nondescript Tuesday---another one of those Tuesdays that seem to come every week, unless you live in Mexico, where they are Martes-es---with the ghost of Frank Zappa. Frank visits every time I need to be reminded that the world is full of shit, and people are grubby little greed-mongers hung up on self-aggrandisement and cheap gratification.
This, That, and The Other (5/3/06)
THIS: Mexican president Vicente Fox legalizes cocaine, heroin, pot, LSD, PCP, opium, synthetic opiates, mescaline, peyote, psilocybin mushrooms, amphetamines, methamphetamines.
City Footnotes (4/19/06)
You find them everywhere. Blowing down sidewalks, crumpled up in bushes, rumpled and stained in curbside gutters. Bits and pieces of daily lives, discarded or lost, there at your feet. Each one a chapter from a story, somewhere in the middle of a human book. Call them city footnotes. . .
Nookulur Demockery (4/12/06)
There is no danger of the Bush administration using nuclear weapons against Iran, or any other country. Nookulur weapons, on the other hand. . .
Conspiracy of Cynicism (4/05/06)
Here is a 9/11 conspiracy theory. Seven-11 did it. All those clerks in turbans with the funny accents—when they smiled as you bought your 32 oz. coffee, Big Gulp, glow-in-the-dark hot dog, and churro, they were really thinking, “death to the Great Satan!”
Si, Say What? (3/28/06)
So I’m walking past a group of about 300 high school kids protesting the proposed immigration law outside the federal building in Westwood. It’s about 2 in the afternoon. The scene looks like exercise time at Folsom, what with the shaved heads, white T-shirts, tattoos, baggy clothes that typify nice young people today.
LTSEWH (3/15/06)
Call them Less Than Satisfying Encounters with Humanity, or LTSEWH, for um, short. They are intended as a chronicle of the decline in civility and deference, written with just the slightest implication of humor, in this, the alleged 21st century. Names have been included whenever possible to ensure fullest humiliation.
Odorman (3/7/06)
I was typing, if not perhaps writing, in the back of a wonderful Japanese tea place in West L.A., when he came in. I knew he had entered, and I knew much about his life, without looking up.
Cheers From The Lingo Czar (3/1/06)
The Lingo Czar has put aside his paralyzing astonishment over nearly everything happening in the world today, and, well, no he hasn't. He is barely able to type at this stage, so thunderstruck is he by the staggeringly stupid manner in which human beings are currently conducting themselves.