THIS, THAT, AND THE OTHER. . .
(July 28, 2005)

THIS: Retired 62-year-old teacher is found guilty of assault.

THAT: Teach was being searched by an airport screener, and when screener’s hands flirted with Teach’s breasts, Teach grabbed screener’s breasts and said, “How would you like it if I did that to you?” She faces a year in jail and $100,000 in fines.

THE OTHER: Just tit for tat, if you ask me.

THIS: Did Riposte read that there is now a proposal to double-deck all L.A. freeways?

THAT: Counter-proposal: remove all L.A. freeways.

THE OTHER: People would stay closer to home, communities would be reborn, noise and pollution would drop, birdies would tweet.

THIS: Remember when you didn’t pick up the newspaper and find a daily parade of suicide bombings, assassinations, tales of U.S. troops torturing prisoners, world leaders repeating insipid things like “they hate freedom,” news about how hated the U.S. is, “terror alerts,” and China threatening to nuke the U.S. over Taiwan?

THAT: Yes, way back before the Bush administration.

THE OTHER: Where is Michael Jackson when you need him?

THIS: Virtual CAT-scan colonoscopies are found to be superior to invasive colonoscopies.

THAT: Now you can tell your camera-happy doctor where to shove it.

THE OTHER: (Figuratively.)

THIS: Speaking of homeland security, a San Diego woman who once worked as an "event planner" for hotels went from freelancing out of her apartment to a federal contract to hire 60,000 airline screeners.

THAT: Sunnye L. Sims' homeland is now very secure, to the tune of $5.4 million in nine months. Although she is being investigated for $303 million in spending that cannot be substantiated.

THAT: Good that the federal government is hiring hotel "event planners" to handle national security. Maybe it's best to think of everybody as "event planners" nowadays: Bush, Blair, Cheney, Kristol, Osama Bin-Laden, Oprah, Stephen Spielberg. . .

THIS: The Washington Post reports that Sims helps run a program for recovering alcoholics and drug abusers at Seacoast Community Church, an Evangelical Free church by a freeway in Encinitas.

THAT: Let's see. . .she's an event planner! She's an airport security specialist! She's a drug and alcohol counselor! And her ex-colleagues say she is a good Christian who would never do anything nasty to the  government, like, oh, pilfer millions of dollars.

THE OTHER: Don't suppose that being an Evangelical Christian had anything to do with this utter nobody with no experience being tabbed to run an important aspect of national security, do you? Nah, not in this administration. . .

THIS: Speaking of event-planning, Iran will be hit by full-scale U.S. air assault involving conventional and nuclear weapons in the event of another 9/11-type attack in this country. Now there's an event!

THAT: So says ex-CIA officer Philip Giraldi, who reports that the attack plan is being devised by United States Strategic Command under orders from President “Vice President” Dick Cheney.

THE OTHER: We’ll meet again, don’t know where, don’t know when. . .|

THIS: This would happen without an investigation to determine if Iran would be responsible for another 9/11 attack.

THAT: You know, like Guantanamo, but with nations instead of people.

THE OTHER: I know we'll meet again, some sunny day. . .

THIS: A.P. reported that about a dozen newspapers censored the July 26 Doonesbury comic strip because it featured “President” George Bush addressing Karl Rove as “Turd Blossom.”

THAT: The A.P. story failed to mention that “Turd Blossom” actually is Bush’s pet name for Karl. (And an apt one, at that.)

THE OTHER: Just a wild guess, but I’m betting that Bush has already scheduled an advance screening of the forthcoming film version of “The Dukes of Hazzard.”

THIS: Did Riposte really read that this city is seriously considering double-decking all the freeways?

THAT: Well, they’ve double-decked most of the houses already.

THE OTHER: Remember when a two-bedroom, one-bathroom house with a nice little yard cost $30,000 and seemed to ideally meet everyone's needs? Remember when Coke was sweetened with sugar? Remember when oil companies and developers didn't conspire to make money at the expense of the community? Remember when, oh, never mind.

THIS: The L.A. Times budget has been “trimmed” by $130 million, according to published reports.

THAT: Coverage of the exit of editor Jon Carroll---who reportedly fled largely because of cuts present and forthcoming by the Tribune Company---notes that the Times is headed for dark times.

THE OTHER: Perhaps someone should take up a collection now for all the Times editors and “staff writers” who might have trouble making payments on their SUVs and million-dollar La Canada homes.

THIS: Remember when newspapers covered the cities they served? Remember when "staff writers" were called "reporters?" Remember when reporters ate lots of free food at press conferences, partly because their salaries were so rotten? Remember when television showed old movies? Remember when all car exhaust stunk?

THAT: Sorry, got carried away.

THIS: Dodger Stadium, currently hidden behind video screens, manic advertising, foul-zone seats for the rich and famous, deafening pop music, bestial fans. . .is headed for yet another round of um, improvements.

THAT: The press box is going to be moved down a level in order to convert the space to oh, a Roman bath house or something, and there are rumored long-term plans of a Grove-like mall and million-dollar “Dodger Lofts” in the parking lot.

THE OTHER:  Remember when you got dressed up to go to Dodger games? Remember when you could buy five Dodger Dogs for five bucks, instead of one? Remember Johnny Roseboro? Remember how clean and nice that stadium used to look? Remember when fans didn't yell "you SUUUCCCCK!" Remember when fans did not throw up on your shoes? Remember when Dodger announcers were just unpretentious guys who loved baseball? Remember when, oh, never mind.

THIS: The San Francisco Chronicle and Newspaper Guild agreed to a contract that includes pay cuts and freezes, work-rule changes to the detriment of employees, “limited raises” starting in 2006, buyouts, and “transition payments” for those whose pay will be cut.

THAT: The Media Workers Typographical Union Local 39521 also reported that “outplacement services” will be offered to those who may be “involuntarily terminated” in cutting 120 people from the Chron staff.

THE OTHER: “We’re stickin’ with the union. . .”

THIS: “Involuntarily terminated.”

THAT: Is that like what happened to the 30,000-100,000 innocent bystanders in Iraq?

THIS: Most every historic old building in downtown L.A. is being converted to lofts selling for between a half-million to a million bucks.

THAT: A million bucks to live directly above stinking, deafening downtown traffic. That's paradise with an ocean view.

THE OTHER: Remember when “lofts” referred to real cheap empty warehouse space rented by painters and poets? Remember when you could buy a small bottle of Coke for a nickel? Remember when people didn't tattoo their asses? Remember when drivers used turn signals? Before they turned? Remember when you could dial phones? Remember when, oh, never mind.

THIS: The Dodgers are owned by a lowball artist, Frank McCourt, who dumped a cohesive team filled with promise, stocked it with arrogant nomadic veterans and nobodies, and is now yielding the benefits: an embarrassing record in the worst division in what’s left of baseball.

THAT: But attendance is expected to approach the three million mark, so McCourt is happy.

THE OTHER: How does Vin Scully stand it?

THIS: A recent study of television viewing yielded this: "What is more surprising is that the sense of relaxation ends when the set is turned off, but the feelings of passivity and lowered alertness continue. Survey participants commonly reflect that television has somehow absorbed or sucked out their energy, leaving them depleted. They say they have more difficulty concentrating after viewing than before."

THAT: A study was required to determine this?

THE OTHER: “I am gross and perverted/ I’m obsessed and deranged/ I have existed for years but very little has changed/ I’m the tool of the government and industry too/ For I am destined to rule and regulate you/ I may be vile and pernicious but you can’t look away/ I make you think I’m delicious with the stuff that I say/ I’m the best you can get, have you guessed me yet?/ I’m the slime oozin’ out from your TV set. . .” ---Frank Zappa.

THIS: The special prosecutor in the Plame case is investigating whether President Dick “Vice-President” Cheney and his assistant, Lewis “Scooter” Libby,” used Karl Rove in an effort to discredit former U.S. Ambassador Joseph Wilson and his CIA operative wife.

THAT: Can you imagine going through life being called “Scooter?”

THE OTHER: It’s worse than “Rip,” I assure you. Remember when administrations were not full of people with nicknames like "Turd Blossom" and "Scooter?"

THIS: The corporate mainstream press is actually covering this story, actually reporting that the vice-president's office is being investigated for conspiring to expose a CIA agent.

THAT: Remember when this was called a "scandal?" Remember when jeans came up to the waist? Remember when conservatives believed in separation of church and state? Remember when Bugs Bunny had a deep voice? Remember when, oh, never mind.

THIS: “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” has one of the most pleasantly demented musical scenes in recent memory: the introduction of Willie Wonka at the factory to the tune of a Danny Elfman song.

THAT: The movie lacks the gentleness of the Gene Wilder version, and ironically, director Tim Burton’s weirdness was constrained by having to conform to Roald Dahl’s storyline.

THE OTHER: One critic says Johnny Depp is doing Dustin Hoffman as “Tootsie.” Disagree. He’s doing some obscure character, possibly from an old TV show, but Riposte cannot place it. (Write and let us know!)

THIS: L.A. Times music writer Richard Cromelin notes that Robert Plant’s recent Greek Theater concert included a song in which the former Led Zeppelin lead singer chided Rod “American Songbook” Stewart in a tune featuring the lyric, “my peers may flirt with cabaret.”

THAT: The article further observed that Plant is a “rigorous revisionist” simply because he changed the meter and instrumentation on a couple of old Zeppelin numbers.

THE OTHER: Count on the Times to keep you informed about musical integrity and sniping among grandfather rock ‘n’ roll stars, and other artistic giants of our times.

THIS: Sixty-two-year-old Mick Jagger and the Rolling Stones, and 63-year-Paul McCartney are releasing new albums.

THAT: Will you still need me, will you still need me, when I’m sixty-four?

THE OTHER: Remember when, oh, never mind.

THIS: L.A. Times stock keeps dropping, along with circulation, no matter what the newspaper prints or how it redesigns itself.

THAT: Perhaps if it stopped carrying stories about the best places in town to go to buy granite for your redesigned kitchen. . .profiles of Malibu homes fit for Louis the Fourteenth. . .restaurant reviews of places fit for Louis the Fourteenth. . .articles about old rock ‘n’ rollers sniping at one another. . .

THE OTHER: Psst. If you call the Times and cancel your subscription, they’ll give you a fantastic discount for not going through with it. Try it!

THIS: Release of eighty-seven more photos and four videos of alleged torture at Abu Ghraib by U.S. soldiers has been blocked by the Pentagon.

THAT: As one viewer put it, "I mean, I looked at them last night, and they're hard to believe.” ( They show acts) "that can only be described as blatantly sadistic, cruel and inhumane." he added.

THE OTHER: The viewer was Donald Rumsfeld. Remember when Donald Rumsfeld was part of the Nixon Administration? Remember when the Nixon Administration tried to dress up the White House military guard like the guards at Buckingham Palace? Remember when Nixon hugged Sammy Davis Jr.? Remember when Nixon grew little sideburns to look "hip" during the '68 election? Remember when, oh, never mind.

THIS: Did you know that “President” Bush has a little brother named Marvin?

THAT: Did you know that Marvin was on the board of directors of Securacom (now Stratesec) a company that provided "electronic security" to the World Trade Center right up to 9/11/2001?

THE OTHER: Can you imagine going through life with the name, “Marvin Bush?” (It's worse than "Rip Rense," I assure you.)

THIS: Did you know that Marvin’s company, Securacom had a contract to maintain electronic security at Dulles Airport, and that it handled some security for United Airlines in the ‘90s?

THAT: Did you know that Marvin’s company, Securacom is backed by the Kuwait-America Corporation, a company with ties to the Bush family?

THE OTHER: Kuwait. . .Bush money. . .Bush brother runs security for WTC before 9/11. . .Bush brother handles security for United Airlines. . .Gee, it all kind of makes you feel fuzzy and patriotic, doesn’t it?

THIS: Remember when "conspiracy theorists" were considered wackos?

THAT: Remember when Billy Carter was an embarrassment to Jimmy because of "Billy Beer?"

THIS: Can you imagine what the right-wing would have done with this information, had it involved a brother of Bill Clinton?

THAT: “At a minimum, could Securacom have leaked, even inadvertently, information to those seeking to attack the buildings which might have helped them plan their attack, or maximize the damage and the carnage?” ---Dave Lindorff.

THE OTHER: Turd blossom. It’s kind of fun to say!

THIS: New L.A. Times editor Dean Baquet, in an interview with the New York Observer, said he is “trying to get a firmer handle on what makes us different from the other three or four great American newspapers.” He also said the Times has only been a “great newspaper” since the Otis Chandler era.

THAT: Baquet continues the grand tradition of Times editors pompously referring to their product as a “great newspaper.”

THE OTHER: It’s a great big newspaper, that’s for sure.

THIS: Five Sikh New York City transit workers are suing because the MTA is requiring them to wear MTA patches on their turbans.

THAT: The workers say the request is equivalent to asking a Christian to put the MTA logo on the cross.

THE OTHER: Imagine there’s not countries/ it isn’t hard to do/ nothin’ to kill or die for/ and no religion, too. . .

THIS: Richard Clarke, terrorism expert to four presidents, whose warnings to “President” George W. Bush’s administration about an impending terror attack were utterly (deliberately?) ignored, has written a novel.

THAT: It is geopolitical thriller set five years in the future---where The House of Saud is taken over by extremists, and where oil-hungry forces in Washington (guess who!) “reshape” the Middle East by launching a. . .global nuclear war.

THE OTHER: We’ll meet again, don’t know where, don’t know when. . .

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