by RIP RENSE
and the Other
(Jan. 12, 2004)
THIS: Actor Arnold
Schwarzenegger, who through astounding manipulation of empty-headed jackasses has been
elected governor of California, said recently that he is a "big believer in
THAT: This would explain why
his budget includes zero---that's no, nada, nothing, and otherwise hastalavistababy---money
for new highways or mass transit.
THE OTHER: Word is that he
will soon reveal his belief in sidewalks and curbs.
THIS: So now "The
Bachelor" features a bachelorette. A perky, petite blonde with perky, protruding
bazooms picking and choosing from a stable of hulking white galoots. The galoots all look
like country boys who just "got dressed up" for the first time. All contestants
are excellent Aryan stock, and reproduction prospects look good.
THAT: Hitler would have liked
THIS: Speaking of galoots, the
"just woke up" look in male "haircuts" of recent years is certainly
the most asinine style in history. You cut your hair so it isn't quite long enough to
comb, rub some slimy goop in it, and mess it all up. Women swoon over this mussy
little boy look.
THAT: Imagine what a pair of
short pants and a lollipop might do.
THIS: I don't care for NBA
basketball owners in general, and boy billionaire Mark Cuban in particular, but my hat's
off---wait a second, okay, now it's off---to Cuban for suggesting that Bush forego his
crowning and send the $40 million party money to help tsunami victims.
THAT: Or send it to any number
of places in the world where people can use a good party. I understand that a grain of
rice a day in some parts of Africa is cause for a festival.
THE OTHER: When a billionaire
basketball team owner has to think of such logical and charitable ideas, what does this
say about the man who chanted "I'm a leader" over and over to get elected?
THIS: Said Cuban on the
prospect of denying Bush his big party: "Since when is the level of celebration
defined by the amount spent?"
THAT: Oh, since um. .
THIS: Dodger General Manager
Paul "Paulie" DePodesta, who is actually 16-years-old, essentially dumped the
entire team, including such undeniably superb players as Paul LoDuca, Dave Roberts, Adrian
Beltre, Alex Cora, Guillermo Mota, and Shawn Green.
THAT: Put this man in charge
of the Republican Party.
THE OTHER: They should
eliminate the term "home team" from the scoreboard and just have
"Visitors" for both sides.
THIS: Please, someone pass a
law prohibiting all professional athletes from using the sentence, "It's a
business," every time they are traded.
THAT: Just once I'd like to
hear an athlete say, "It's an insane pursuit of profit at the expense of the fun of
the fans and the joy of the game."
THIS: Headline: "JAMES
BROWN RAPE ACCUSER WAS ONCE HIS PUBLICIST."
THAT: Turnabout is fair play.
THIS: News item: Janis Joplin
to get lifetime achievement Grammy.
THAT: Would have been nice if
she had achieved a lifetime.
THIS: Bush's crowning will
require 6,000 cops, 2,500 military personnel, and dozens of federal security agencies.
Mobile command vehicles will be set up along with round-the-clock surveillance of key
facilities and a record number of canine bomb teams. Blackhawk helicopters and fighters
will patrol the skies, and the Coast Guard plans to step up security on the Potomac River.
The FAA announced a 23-mile radius no-fly zone
around Reagan National, Dulles and Baltimore- Washington International airports.
THAT: "Al Qaeda is on the
run. Right now, about half of all the top Al Qaeda operatives are either jailed or dead.
In either case, they're not a problem anymore."
---George W. Bush, May 5, 2003.
THIS: I know very little about
the late Susan Sontag, but enough to have admired her thinking. One very important
observation she made in an interview with Bill Moyers was about the death of idealism.
Ruthlessness and avarice, she suggested, have largely supplanted the impulse to do good.
in fact, is a term that has been villified by the mad-dog Limbaugh/Bush crowd.
THIS: Sontag explained that
American idealism has been destroyed systematically---purged, really---in many aspects of
THAT: Test scores instead of
learning disguised as "No Child Left Behind". . . corporations that claim to be
environment-friendly producing items that will not biodegrade. . .publishers who seek only
marketing- friendly books to the exclusion of good writing. . .pro sports teams that
flagrantly try to purchase championships. . .politicians who now call FDR and his social
programs "commie". . .soulless popular music that is nothing more than
demographically designed product. . .television devoted to infomercials, drinking slime
for money. . .fascistic imposition of so-called "Christian" morality. . .
THE OTHER: That Sontag held on
to her own idealism was heroic. R.I.P.
THIS: Rupert Murdoch (think:
eat babies), whose Fox Entertainment and News Corp. control most of the world's official
information, is trying to spend $5.9 billion to buy the remaining shares it does not own
of Fox Entertainment.
THAT: Huh? News Corp. bids for
THE OTHER: The snake eats
THIS: Europeans now refer to
American free enterprise as "savage capitalism."
THAT: Damn do-gooders.
THIS: Britain has voted for
the top twenty comedy catchphrases of all time. A recent Guardian article noted that
Laurel and Hardy made the list once (#11) with "Here's another nice mess you've
gotten me into."
THAT: Actually, the boys made
the list twice, in a way. "D'oh!", which came in at number-three, is credited to
Homer Simpson, but Homer was copying Laurel and Hardy co-star James Finlayson, the
moustachioed nemesis of Stan and Ollie.
THE OTHER: Schwarzenegger
should have been nominated for "I'm a big believer in roads" and Bush's
"bring it on" merited at least honorable mention.
THIS: Marines arriving in
Indonesia to help tsunami victions were relieved and delighted to be greeted warmly. Said
one, it's "not like Iraq."
THAT: Er, um, gee. . . do ya
spose there might be a lesson in there somewhere?
THE OTHER: "Commissars
and pin-stripe bosses roll the dice/ Any way they fall, guess who gets to pay the price/
Money green or proletarian gray/ Selling guns instead of food today. . ."
THIS: Meta Rosenberg died the
other day, in her sleep, at 89. She was an Emmy-winning executive producer of lots of TV
shows, including "The Rockford Files."
THAT: She was also one of the
nicest, most dignified human beings I ever had
the pleasure of interviewing.
THIS: A three-hour documentary
recently aired by the BBC, "The Power of Nightmares:The Rise of the Politics of
Fear," asserts that the threat of international terrorism has been massively
exaggerated in order that politicans can ramrod through various polices. Read: The Bush
Administration's invasion of Iraq, tightening up on civil liberties, etc.
THE OTHER: D'oh!
THIS: Suggestion for Shaquille
O'Neal: get a dog. Say, the tiniest female chihuahua you can find.
THAT: Carry it with you to
THE OTHER: Introduce it as
"my bitch, Kobe."
THIS: Paul McCartney has for
the second year in a row cancelled his "Love Songs" compilation
album---apparently because Yoko Ono will not allow him to use The Beatles' recording of
"Yesterday" on it.
THAT: Put "Yesterday" on
album with "Silly Love Songs" and "Pipes of Peace?" McCartney should
hire Yoko as his producer.
THE OTHER: I'm not half
the man I used to be. . .
THIS: So Tom Delay joined in
expressing sympathy for the tsumani victims the other day at the 109th Congressional
Prayer Service from a church on Capitol Hill.
THAT: Delay read the passage
from the Bible about how only smart guys build their houses on rock, while
"fools" build them on sand. Then he sat down.
THE OTHER: Er, um,
pssst---Tom. I think the passage was metaphorical. You fine Christian man, you.
THIS: The Iraq Survey Group,
the CIA-led team of weapons inspectors seeking the purported cache of Saddam's biological,
chemical, and nuclear weapons, quietly finished its inspection last month. Official finding: no WMD.
THAT: "Simply stated,
there is no doubt that Saddam Hussein now has weapons of mass destruction. There is no
doubt he is amassing them to use against our friends, against our allies, and against
THE OTHER: "There clearly
was a relationship (between Saddam and Al-Qaeda.) It's been testified to. The evidence is
overwhelming." ---Dick Cheney.
THIS: Last November, Bush
rebuffed Neocon pressure to cut $46 million for helping Russia secure its nuclear arsenal.
(Read: keep the weapons away from terrorists.) Neocons wanted that dough for the carnival
of death in Iraq.
THAT: At this rate, it will
take 13 years to secure the former USSR's nukes---that's with Putin's full cooperation,
which is hardly a given. Iraq, where Bush has so far spent an estimated $150 billion, had
no nuclear, chemical, or biological weapons.
THE OTHER: Boom. D'oh!
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