THIS, THAT, AND
THE OTHER. . .
THIS: The Bush administration produced videos for local television news programs in which reporters praised the benefits of the new Medicare law. One problem: the reporters were actors hired to perform the parts, reading from a script.

THAT: Fake reporters, fake terror alerts, fake WMD, fake president. What's the faking problem?

THIS: Bush campaign commercials exploiting 9/11 used fake firefighters because, as one administration official said, "it's cheaper and quicker."

THAT: Yeah, but the hoses were real.

THE OTHER: Cheaper? Hard to believe, considering how much the administration has cut back local police and fire department funding.

THIS: An NPR commentator named Ruben Navarette, which is the funniest name since "Rip Rense," is also a nationally syndicated columnist from the Dallas Morning News. Pretty impressive! Well, the other day, Ruben said he's tired of hearing about Vietnam, and Kerry's war record vs. Bush's (lack of) war record. What's more, Ru rues the Vietnam factor in the election--- saying it is the result of crotchety ol' "baby boomers'" who are just pining for the sixties, and he resents them foisting their hoodoo on cool "generation X" souls like him!

THAT: Hey, Rube! The lessons of Vietnam, Da Nang it, only have everything to do with today's U.S. mess in Iraq, that's all. Vietnam only changed the entire course of U.S. history during the past 40 years, and for the worse, that's all. The fact that the Prez either shirked his duty in the National Guard---or was actually barred from flying---is a germane character issue, thrown into sharp relief by Kerry's service in the Vietnam War. That's all.

THE OTHER: By the way, Rube, congratulations on the long pants.

THIS: Country Joe and the Fish---all right, Country Joe and Most of the Fish---have reunited for a tour. Bassist Bruce Barthol, guitarist/keyboardist David Cohen, and drummer Chicken Hirsch will join Joe McDonald locally April 9 & 10 at Theater Of the Street in Moorpark. (Only guitarist Barry Melton is a holdout.) Said Barthol: "There's a war going on, the country's divided and it's feeling more like 1968 every day, so I wasn't totally surprised to get a call from Joe."

THAT: Pining for the sixties? Me? And it's one, two, three, what are we fightin' for?

THE OTHER: I'll buy you a ticket, Ruben.

THIS: News item---when---okay, well, if---the draft is reinstated, the first to go will be those with great computer and language skills.

THAT: That leaves most American kids off the hook.

THIS: Spain was not cowed by the recent hideous Al-Qaeda (apparently) train attacks, and voted into office an anti-Bush administration president, who pledged to drop out of the "coalition" in Iraq unless the U.N. takes over.

THAT: Hasta la vista, baby.

THIS: The great George Harrison has been inducted into the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame.

THAT: "Didn't want to be a star/ Wanted just to play guitar/ in this cockamamie business."---G.H.

THIS: Pristine Amazon forests have begun to change wildly because of rising levels of carbon dioxide, say U.S. scientists.

THAT: "Now we like to air condition, though the air has no ozone ring/ Still they're chopping down the forest for McDonald's and the Burger King/ Eating cows with such persistence doesn't offer much resistance/ To this cockamamie business." ---G.H.

THIS: The San Francisco Chronicle removed reporters Rachel Gordon and Liz Mangelsdorf from covering the gay marriage story because they are gay and recently married one another. Editor Phil Bronstein wrote a long, melodramatic, chin-stroking memo about this.

THAT: Perhaps all married couple heterosexual reporters should be heretofore barred from covering any stories involving heterosexual marriage and divorce.

THE OTHER: Bronstein apparently believes that the job of a daily newspaper editor consists not in putting out a terrific edition, but in propounding minute ethical tenets.

THIS: Bush marked International Women's Week thusly: "The Libyan government released Fathi Jahmi," said the Prez. "She's a local government official who was imprisoned in 2002 for advocating free speech and democracy."

THAT: Well, he got all his facts right---oh, except the part about "she." Last anyone checked, Fathi Jahmi was a male.

THE OTHER: Maybe all this gay marriage stuff has  the Prez all confused.

THIS: Democratic Presidential candidate John Kerry told a crowd in Ohio that he has had conversations with world leaders who told him they want Bush out of office. Confronted by a heckler, he refused to name them.

THAT: Reports say that he does know what sex they are.

THIS: Former New York Times liar Jayson Blair, who deliberately made up articles, then laughed about it, is on tour, promoting his book. The other day, he apologized for his errant ways and explained that he has "bipolar disorder."

THAT: Translation: "show me the money."

THIS: Mel Gibson will clear $350 million---that's in the pocket---for "The Passion of The Christ."

THAT: Have mercenary!

THE OTHER: Who said S&M is a niche market?

THIS: News item: Robot conducts the Tokyo Philharmonic.

THAT: New York Times article excerpt: "Self-control is very important in Finland," said Dr. Liisa Keltikangas-Jarvinen, a professor of psychology at the University of Helsinki. "You cannot show anger; it means you can't cope. If a person is very temperamental and alive, expresses emotions like anger and happiness, the person is seen as infantile."

THE OTHER: Now I understand Los Angeles Philharmonic conductor Esa-Pekka Salonen.

THIS: Attorney General John Aschcroft had his gall bladder removed.

THAT: Straight line of the year.

THIS: The new Bush campaign ad says that because Kerry voted against the $87 billion Iraq package (some of which funded storm troopers at that recent trade conference in um, Miami), therefore he did not want the Iraq troops to have the latest body armor.

THAT: The blood of 566 U.S. troops, a number of civilians (plus tens of thousands of Iraqis) is on Bush's hands, not Kerry's.

THE OTHER: Following Bush's logic, if Kerry voted against Bush's privatization of Medicare, therefore he must want senior citizens to get sick and die. 

THIS: New SF Examiner owner Philip Anschutz is already redesigning the dishonored daily in hopes of reviving it.

THAT: Next step should be to reoccupy the original grand Examiner building at 3rd and Market.

THIS: New York Times headline: College for The Home-Schooled is Shaping Leaders for the Right. That's correct, "home-schooled" (read: brainwashed) evangelical "Christians" are being shipped to Patrick Henry College in Virginia, where they get the Armageddon movie in technicholor, then they are piped directly into the White House! Well, some of them, anyhow: seven of the 100 White House Interns are direct from Armageddon U., and an eighth works for the Prez's reelection committee.

THAT: Call this separation of church and state of reason. You know, when I read this stuff, I see Martin Sheen as the president in Stephen King's, "The Dead Zone," pushing The Button and saying "hallelujah!"

THE OTHER: "You can't run a country by a book of religion/ Not by a heap or a lump or a smidgen/ Of foolish rules of ancient date/ Designed to make you all feel great/ While you fold, spindle and mutilate/ Those unbelievers from a neighboring state."---Frank Zappa.

THIS: Jazz deejay Chuck Niles passes away at age 76.

THAT: Niles was to jazz radio what Chick Hearn was to the Lakers.

THE OTHER: See S.A. Griffin's poem about Niles on this page (right side, scroll down.)

THIS: Dodgers Loaners---er, owners---Frank and Jamie McCourt have so far fired top executives, denounced their work, denounced the fact that the Dodgers don't draw 4 million instead of 3 million per year, denounced the fact that the 30 "executive suites" don't sell out.

THAT: Nothing inspires a player more than owners who care about their team.  

THIS: The Higgs boson particle---dubbed the "God particle" by physicists---has possibly been seen. The boson particle explains why all other particles have mass and is fundamental to a complete understanding of matter.

THAT: Energy plants, pipelines, and housing tracts have cut off all bison migration in the U.S., and threatens their future.

THE OTHER: Boson help the bison.

THIS: News item: Jane Fonda stars in "The Vagina Monologues" in Bombay, and the play---which features three talking vaginas, narrating their adventures---is banned.

THAT: Jane Fonda plays a talking vagina? Best straight line since Ashcroft had his gall bladder removed.

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