by RIP RENSE
THIS, THAT, AND
THE OTHER. . .
THIS: The Bush administration produced videos for local television
news programs in which reporters praised the benefits of the new Medicare law. One
problem: the reporters were actors hired to perform the parts, reading from a script.
THAT: Fake reporters, fake terror alerts, fake WMD, fake president.
What's the faking problem?
THIS: Bush campaign commercials exploiting 9/11
used fake firefighters because, as one administration official said, "it's cheaper
THAT: Yeah, but the hoses were real.
THE OTHER: Cheaper? Hard to believe, considering how much the
administration has cut back local police and fire department funding.
THIS: An NPR commentator named Ruben Navarette, which is
the funniest name since "Rip Rense," is also a nationally syndicated columnist
from the Dallas Morning News. Pretty impressive! Well, the other day, Ruben said he's tired
of hearing about Vietnam, and Kerry's war record vs. Bush's (lack of) war record. What's
more, Ru rues the Vietnam factor in the election--- saying it is the result of crotchety
ol' "baby boomers'" who are just pining for the sixties, and he resents them
foisting their hoodoo on cool "generation X" souls like him!
THAT: Hey, Rube! The lessons of Vietnam, Da Nang it, only have everything
to do with today's U.S. mess in Iraq, that's all. Vietnam only changed the entire course
of U.S. history during the past 40 years, and for the worse, that's all. The fact that the
Prez either shirked his duty in the National Guard---or was actually barred from
flying---is a germane character issue, thrown into sharp relief by Kerry's service in the
Vietnam War. That's all.
THE OTHER: By the way, Rube, congratulations on the long pants.
THIS: Country Joe and the
Fish---all right, Country Joe and Most of the Fish---have reunited for a tour. Bassist
Bruce Barthol, guitarist/keyboardist David Cohen, and drummer Chicken Hirsch will join Joe
McDonald locally April 9 & 10 at Theater
Of the Street in Moorpark. (Only guitarist Barry Melton is a holdout.) Said Barthol:
"There's a war going on, the country's divided and it's feeling more like 1968 every
day, so I wasn't totally surprised to get a call from Joe."
THAT: Pining for the sixties? Me? And it's one, two, three, what are
we fightin' for?
THE OTHER: I'll buy you a ticket, Ruben.
THIS: News item---when---okay, well, if---the draft is
reinstated, the first to go will be those with great computer and language skills.
THAT: That leaves most American kids off the hook.
THIS: Spain was not cowed by the recent hideous Al-Qaeda (apparently)
train attacks, and voted into office an anti-Bush administration president, who pledged to
drop out of the "coalition" in Iraq unless the U.N. takes over.
THAT: Hasta la vista, baby.
THIS: The great George Harrison has been inducted into the Rock 'n' Roll
Hall of Fame.
THAT: "Didn't want to be a star/ Wanted just to play guitar/ in
this cockamamie business."---G.H.
THIS: Pristine Amazon forests have begun to change wildly because of
rising levels of carbon dioxide, say U.S. scientists.
THAT: "Now we like to air condition, though the air has no ozone
ring/ Still they're chopping down the forest for McDonald's and the Burger King/ Eating
cows with such persistence doesn't offer much resistance/ To this cockamamie
THIS: The San Francisco Chronicle removed reporters Rachel
Gordon and Liz Mangelsdorf from covering the gay marriage story because they are gay and
recently married one another. Editor Phil Bronstein wrote a long, melodramatic,
THAT: Perhaps all married couple heterosexual reporters should be
heretofore barred from covering any stories involving heterosexual marriage and divorce.
THE OTHER: Bronstein apparently
believes that the job of a daily newspaper editor consists not in putting out a
terrific edition, but in propounding minute ethical tenets.
THIS: Bush marked International Women's Week thusly: "The Libyan government
released Fathi Jahmi," said the Prez. "She's a local government official who was
imprisoned in 2002 for advocating free speech and democracy."
THAT: Well, he got all his facts right---oh, except the part about
"she." Last anyone checked, Fathi Jahmi was a male.
THE OTHER: Maybe all this gay marriage stuff has the Prez all
THIS: Democratic Presidential candidate John Kerry told a crowd in Ohio
that he has had conversations with world leaders who told him they want Bush out of
office. Confronted by a heckler, he refused to name them.
THAT: Reports say that he does know what sex they are.
THIS: Former New York Times liar Jayson Blair, who deliberately made up
articles, then laughed about it, is on tour, promoting his book. The other day, he
apologized for his errant ways and explained that he has "bipolar disorder."
THAT: Translation: "show me the money."
THIS: Mel Gibson will clear $350 million---that's in the pocket---for
"The Passion of The Christ."
THAT: Have mercenary!
THE OTHER: Who said S&M is a niche market?
THIS: News item: Robot conducts the Tokyo Philharmonic.
THAT: New York Times article excerpt: "Self-control is very
important in Finland," said Dr. Liisa Keltikangas-Jarvinen, a professor of psychology
at the University of Helsinki. "You cannot show anger; it means you can't cope. If a
person is very temperamental and alive, expresses emotions like anger and happiness, the
person is seen as infantile."
THE OTHER: Now I understand Los Angeles Philharmonic conductor Esa-Pekka
THIS: Attorney General John Aschcroft had his gall bladder removed.
THAT: Straight line of the year.
THIS: The new Bush campaign ad says that because Kerry voted against the
$87 billion Iraq package (some of which funded storm troopers at that recent trade
conference in um, Miami), therefore he did not want the Iraq troops to have the
latest body armor.
THAT: The blood of 566 U.S. troops, a number of civilians (plus tens of
thousands of Iraqis) is on Bush's hands, not Kerry's.
THE OTHER: Following Bush's logic, if Kerry voted against Bush's
privatization of Medicare, therefore he must want senior citizens to get sick and
THIS: New SF Examiner owner Philip Anschutz is already redesigning the
dishonored daily in hopes of reviving it.
THAT: Next step should be to reoccupy the original grand Examiner
building at 3rd and Market.
THIS: New York Times headline: College for The Home-Schooled
is Shaping Leaders for the Right. That's correct, "home-schooled" (read:
brainwashed) evangelical "Christians" are being shipped to Patrick Henry College
in Virginia, where they get the Armageddon movie in technicholor, then they are piped
directly into the White House! Well, some of them, anyhow: seven of the 100 White House
Interns are direct from Armageddon U., and an eighth works for the Prez's reelection
THAT: Call this separation of church and state of reason. You know, when
I read this stuff, I see Martin Sheen as the president in Stephen King's, "The Dead
Zone," pushing The Button and saying "hallelujah!"
THE OTHER: "You can't run a country by a book of religion/ Not
by a heap or a lump or a smidgen/ Of foolish rules of ancient date/ Designed to make you
all feel great/ While you fold, spindle and mutilate/ Those unbelievers from a neighboring
THIS: Jazz deejay Chuck Niles passes away at age 76.
THAT: Niles was to jazz radio what Chick Hearn was to the Lakers.
THE OTHER: See S.A. Griffin's poem about Niles on this page (right side,
THIS: Dodgers Loaners---er, owners---Frank and Jamie McCourt have so far
fired top executives, denounced their work, denounced the fact that the Dodgers don't draw
4 million instead of 3 million per year, denounced the fact that the 30 "executive
suites" don't sell out.
THAT: Nothing inspires a player more than owners who care about their
THIS: The Higgs boson particle---dubbed the "God particle" by
physicists---has possibly been seen. The boson particle explains why all other particles
have mass and is fundamental to a complete understanding of matter.
THAT: Energy plants, pipelines, and housing tracts have cut off all bison
migration in the U.S., and threatens their future.
THE OTHER: Boson help the bison.
THIS: News item: Jane Fonda stars in "The Vagina Monologues" in
Bombay, and the play---which features three talking vaginas, narrating their
THAT: Jane Fonda plays a talking vagina? Best straight line since
Ashcroft had his gall bladder removed.
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