RIPOSTE
by RIP RENSE |
|
KTLA MORNING SHAUX
(Feb. 22, 2007)
Turned
on the KTLA “Morning Show” the other day. Here’s how it went:
Award-Winning
Journalist
Carlos Amezcua:
We have just learned that
Britney Spears has shaved her entire ass. We are on Shave Watch this
morning, and the entire KTLA Morning News will bring you the latest as it
happens.
Weatherman
Mark Kriski: Shaved her ass! Yeah! Ass! Shave! We could have some
rain today, folks.
Co-Anchor Michaela “Free Home Makeover” Pereira:
This girl clearly
needs help. I mean, she is not exactly de-icing the cool bus!
Kriski: De-ice the
cool bus! Ice! Yeah! In Canada, all the buses are cool!
Amezcua:
Everything’s cool in Canada!
Kriski: Canada's
cool!
Pereira: But never
as cool as it gets on the Red Carpet at the Academy Awards. We will be going
LIVE to Gayle Anderson to talk about Red Carpet etiquette, and just how they
make that ol' red carpet so darn red!
Kriski: Red! Rain!
Ass! Yeah!
Amezcua: But first
we have
Bill Smith standing by LIVE at a place where they do a lot of actual
shaving. It’s called a “barber shop.” Bill?
Smith: This is
not---repeat, not---the barber shop where Britney had her ass shaved,
assuming she went to a barber and did not do the job herself carefully,
bending over with a mirror, but it is---repeat, is---a barber shop.
(Walks inside) Here you can see people not only getting all the au
courant haircuts that our KTLA Morning Show staff so ably displays---this means you,
Kurt the Cyber-Guy---but you can see people actually being shaved. This,
of course, is where a razor, which is a very, very thin strip of metal
sharpened to an extremely fine edge, is used to level hair follicles right
where they emerge from the epidermis, and---
Amezcua
(interrupting): Bill? Bill?
Smith: Yes,
Carlos.
Amezcua: Can we
say ‘epidermus’ on television?
Pereira: I don’t
even say that around the house, which, by the way, was
decorated for free in exchange for a story---
Kriski: Epidermus!
Ass! Yeah! We’re gonna have rain!
Smith: I’ll check
with the FCC on that, Carlos, but I think they’re still pretty busy trying to
figure out if it’s okay to say ‘cock’ instead of ‘rooster.’ But back to
shaving. Here at this barber shop, they do not---repeat, not---shave asses,
although I’m told that you can purchase an ass shave in West
Hollywood, so maybe we’ll tool over there in a few minutes and see what we
can find out.
Amezcua: Can we
say ‘tool’ on television?
Kriski: Tool! My
favorite band. They’re not Canadian, though.
Pereira: Most
bands aren’t Canadian, but most bands are verrrrrrry cool.
Amezcua: Yes, they
are! Especially my favorite band, Chicago!
Kriski: They're
not Canadian, and they're cool! Shave! Rain!
Amezcua: (arched
eyebrow, serious) Believe
it or not, there is other important news to report this morning, and we
would not want to neglect it---
Pereira: That’s
right, Carlos, we’ll bring you the latest on the body of Anna Nicole
Smith---
Kriski: I wonder
if she shaved her ass!
Amezcua:
(laughing) Well,
it’s a moot point, now, Mark.
Kriski: She wasn't
Canadian, either.
Pereira: I'm
Canadian!
Kriski: Clouds!
Offshore flow!
Amezcua: (arched eyebrow,
serious) What he have learned is that Anna Nicole’s mother is crying
a great deal, and we will bring you footage of her crying, as well as the
latest on the hundreds of men who claim to have impregnated Anna Nicole in
the last hours of her life---
Kriski: Wasn’t me!
I was in Canada! Shave!
Pereira: Oh, you
guys.
Amezcua: As well
as the latest on the story on the mind of every American this morning, and that's what’s
going to become of little Dannie Lynn. But right now we have Morning News
Early Edition co-anchor
Emmett Miller in studio for a special investigative report on the Spears
matter. Emmett, you're up late! Good to see you.
Miller: (feigns
yawn, smiles) Great to see you, too, Carlos. Like the new ‘do.
Amezcua: Almost as
short as yours! How do you get it so close to the scalp?
Miller: (smiling)
Trade secret! Well, what we are going to talk about here is not pretty,
Carlos, and
is graphic, so be warned that some parts might offend some viewers. Britney
Spears’ ass-shaving is, contrary to widespread rumors, not necessarily
indicative of unstable mental health. A KTLA Morning Show special
investigation has found that ass-shaving is a very common practice in trendy
L.A. salons, along with
anal-bleaching, so it is entirely possible that Britney was just getting
in step with fashion. Back to you guys. (smiling)
Pereira: Wow. Thanks,
Emmett, for that startling investigative report. You only get this kind of
reporting at the KTLA Morning Show, folks. Small wonder we clean up around
here at Emmy time.
Kriske: Wonder!
Clean up! Hey, it's gonna be clean today in Southern California after this
rain!
Amezcua: (arched
eyebrow, serious) Any word on whether Spears engaged in anal-bleaching,
Emmett?
Kriski: Weather?
Yes, we've got lots of weather!
Miller (smiling)
No, Carlos, but I'm looking into it.
Kriski: Into it!
Yeah!
Pereira: Oh, you
guys!
Amezcua: (arched
eyebrow, serious) I’m told we have Eric Spillman standing by LIVE at the
scene of a major traffic accident in Panorama City. What’s going on Eric?
Spillman:
(shouting) Well, Carlos, this isn’t as pressing as Britney Spears shaving
her ass, but we do have important local news that needs to be covered,
right? I am standing here at the corner of Van Nuys Boulevard and Sherman
Way, where two SUV’s have collided head-on---
Pereira: Eric?
Eric?
Spillman
(shouting): Yes, Michaela?
Miller: (smiling.)
Pereira: Eric, I
think the first question on viewers’ minds is, were the drivers of these
SUV’s Britney Spears fans, and if so, do they also shave their asses?
Spillman:
(shouting) Exactly right, Michaela, and I was just coming to that. We are
working hard to determine whether the drivers are fans of Britney Spears,
and if so, do they also shave their asses. Wait just a moment, I have an
LAPD sergeant here, maybe we can. . .Sergeant? Sergeant? Eric Spillman, KTLA
Morning Show. Can you tell us anything about the drivers?
LAPD sergeant:
Yes, uh, both of these, uh, individuals have, uh, been pronounced, uh,
deceased at the scene.
Spillman: Were
they Britney Spears fans, sir?
LAPD sergeant:
This particular, uh, information is undetermined as of, uh, this particular
time, but we hope to, uh, have it available at some particular, uh, time in
the, uh, particular future.
Spillman: Did they
shave their asses, sir?
LAPD sergeant: Uh,
we have yet to, uh, ascertain this particular information at uh, this
particular time and, uh, we would only release such information, uh, after
notification of particular, uh, next of kin.
Spillman: Of
course. Thank you, sergeant. So there you have it, Carlos and Michaela. We do
not have that information, pending notification of next of kin, but we will
bring it to you LIVE just as soon as we do get it. We certainly understand
the need to respect the feelings of family in matters like this. Reporting
LIVE from Panorama City, this is Eric Spillman, now back to you in the
studio.
Pereira: So
tragic! And Eric’s right, we absolutely respect the feelings of family.
Kriski:
R-e-s-p-E-c-t! Find out what it means to me! Sock-it-to-me, sock-it-to-me,
sock-it-to-me. . .
(Wide shot showing Miller
walking off stage, boogieing to Kriski.)
Pereira: Aretha!
The queen of soul. They don’t get any cooler than her, do they?
Amezcua: The
coolest!
Pereira: I mean,
she’s way cooler even than Britney shaving her ass---uh, if indeed Britney
was doing this to be cool, and not out of mental distress. We
certainly wouldn’t want to leap to any conclusions here, or minimize the
seriousness of this story.
Amezcua: (arched
eyebrow, serious) Right,
Michaela. Now it’s over to
Sam Rubin with the entertainment report.
BACK TO PAGE ONE |
Riposte Archive