by RIP RENSE
and the Other. . .
(Jan. 26, 2005)
THIS: News item: "President"
Bush now has his own private army of 13,000 commandos known as "Power Geyser,"
for use at his whim in fighting domestic terrorism.
THAT: And people complained
about Nixon's White House military honor guard dressing like something out of Buckingham
Palace. . .
THE OTHER: Feel safer?
THIS: The "Power
Geyser" commandos are the same type of Special Operations forces hunting "top
insurgents" in Iraq, and Osama bin Laden in his comfy underground palace somewhere in
the mountains of Afghanistan or Pakistan.
THAT: Er, um. . .what are they
THE OTHER: Power Geyser? Wasn't
that a movie starring Long Johnny Wadd?
THIS: Dr. James Dobson, a
"Christian right" leader (think: burn witches) who has the ear of
"President" Bush, claims that cartoon character Spongebob Squarepants is
secretly promoting a gay agenda.
THAT: Dobson is worried that
the cartoon is promoting "tolerance" of gays among young people.
THE OTHER: God save us all
THIS: The American Heritage
Dictionary of the English Language defines a "dobson" as a "hell-
THAT: Knew there was a
connection between Dobson and hell.
"hellgrammite" is the large brownish aquatic larvae of the dobsonfly, often used
as fishing bait. Also called "snake doctor."
THE OTHER: Dr. Dobson. Snake.
Knew there was a connection there, too.
THIS: "The Aviator"
gets 11 Academy Award nominations.
THAT: Leonardo DiCaprio
suggests Howard Hughes every bit as much as this column suggests Mike Royko.
THE OTHER: But I have to admit
that he did a good job for a little kid.
THIS: Before Dobson, Jerry
"Mashed Potato Cheeks" Falwell of the "Christian right" (think: burn
books) bravely took on those fearsome Teletubbies, alleging that Tinky-Winky's purple
color and purse were a secret plot to turn children into transvestites.
THAT: Dunderheads. Bugs Bunny
was cross-dressing back in the 1940's. Obviously the root-cause of all gender confusion.
THE OTHER: They also missed
"Mr. McFeely" on "Mister Rogers."
THIS: The hideous Metrolink
crash that killed ten and injured hundreds was apparently caused by a jackass who parked
his SUV on the tracks.
THAT: Jackass had allegedly
intended to commit suicide, then changed his mind at the last minute and jumped free of
THE OTHER: Bad decision!
THIS: Bush in his coronation
speech: Freedom is the permanent hope of mankind, the hunger in dark places, the
longing of the soul.
THAT: The Bible, Psalm 107:
He satisfieth the longing soul and filleth the hungry soul with goodness. Such as
sit in darkness.
THE OTHER: It's one thing to
quote the Bible; it's quite another to insert coded references to it in order to please
THIS: Bush in his coronation
speech: This untamed fire will burn those who fight its progress.
THAT: The Bible, Jeremiah:
I will kindle an unquenchable fire in the gates of Jerusalem. Or, I will
kindle a fire in her towns that will consume all who are around her.
THE OTHER: Extreme fire
THIS: News item: the Supreme
Court okays use of police dogs to sniff any car, and presumably its occupants, any time,
THAT: Seeing as traces of
narcotics can reportedly be found on most printed money, better start expanding the
THIS: Bill Gates donates $750
million for vaccination campaigns in developing countries, aimed at fighting whooping
cough, measles, polio, yellow fever, rotavirus, and meningitis.
THAT: The old Microsofty.
THIS: Bush asks Congress for
an additional $80 billion to fight wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, while Osama Bin-laden
THAT: But at least some of the
innocent men, women, children killed in these wars might be healthier, thanks to Gates.
THIS: Many TeeVee
newsmannequins referred to Jay Leno as the late Johnny Carson's "chosen
successor" at the "Tonight Show."
THAT: Leno wasn't the late
night host getting jokes fed to him by Carson.
THE OTHER: That would have
been Carson's chosen successor, David Letterman.
THIS: Condoleezza Rice becomes
the first African-American female to serve as Secretary of State.
THAT: Key word: secretary.
THIS: New Mexico Governor Bill
Richardson objected to federal government plans to drill for oil and gas in the beautiful
rare desert grassland of Otero Mesa.
THAT: The Interior Department
is going to drill, anyhow.
THE OTHER: Yes, this
administration is the enemy of "big government," all right.
THIS: There is no more
powerful message in any movie released this past year than in Eastwood's "Million
THAT: The chief message of
"The Aviator" would, I guess, be "wash your hands a lot."
THIS: Carson credited the
great Oliver Hardy's silent "slow-burn" as one of his greatest inspirations.
THAT: Perhaps he is now
telling that directly to Ollie.
THE OTHER: Hardy would have
loved it. (Take it from me: I'm a proud honorary lifetime member of the Sons of the Desert, and I knew Hardy's
THIS: Arnold Schwarzenegger, a
very aggressive weightlifter-turned-actor who buffaloed a lot of starstruck knuckleheads
into electing him governor of California, awarded a no-bid $3.5 million contract to a
Florida (think: Jeb Bush) firm to reopen a 244-bed prison in the Central Valley.
THAT: Correctional Properties
Trust, the company that owns the prison, just happens to have appointed Schwarzenegger's
former finance director, Donna Arduin, to its board.
THE OTHER: Arnie doesn't lift
anymore---he just throws it around.
campaigned on the basis of cleaning out "special interests" in Sacramento.
THAT: His staff includes: a
former lobbyist for TechNet, a group aimed at limiting consumer rights; a deputy with ties
to big business; a former lumber company exec heading the environmental protection agency;
another chief who was vice-president of HMO Health Net (think: Russian Roulette) and a
lobbyist for Chevron.
THE OTHER: Join Arnold!
THIS: A Riverside couple was
charged with animal cruelty after 58 dead tiger cubs were found at their "animal
THAT: Throw them to the
THE OTHER: Or better yet,
there were a lot of starving tigers found at their "sanctuary."
THIS: California legislature
proposes a "fire-safe cigarette" in order to cut tens of thousands of fires each
year started by smoldering tobacco product.
THAT: A "fire-safe"
cigarette. Is that like a "taped live?" "War games?"
THE OTHER: Best
"fire-safe" cigarettes are the kind you don't light.
THIS: You can now rent a West
Hollywood apartment once occupied by Jim Morrison for $200 a night, or $1000 a week.
THAT: But you can O.D. in the
bathtub for free, just like Jim did!
THE OTHER: Strange days
have found us/ strange days have tracked us down/ they've come to destroy/ our casual joy.
THIS: A rapper called
"Game" is suspected in assaulting a Washington D.C. disc jockey known as
THAT: The long-term impact of
this incident on the human race has yet to be calculated.
THIS: Newport Beach man buys
Picasso sketch for $39, 999 from Costco.
THAT: There's a blue-light
special at K-Mart on Van Gogh.
THIS: The cost of dismantling,
or "privatizing," Social Security (think: let them eat cake) is in the trillions
THAT: Good thing
"President" Bush opposes stem cell research. The cost of trying to wipe out a
myriad of diseases is just astronomical.
THE OTHER: How about
privatizing "President" Bush?
THIS: Paul Giamatti's
un-nominated performance in "Sideways" is worth ten of Little Leo's nominated
attempt to portray Howard Hughes.
THAT: Shlumpy Giamatti would
have done a better job as Hughes.
THE OTHER: But
"Aviator" definitely deserves best make-up for the amazing feat of turning Leo's
peach-fuzz into a moustache.
THIS: Dodgers announcer Vin
Scully to L.A. Times columnist T.J. Simers: "The only thing I want to do is follow
the ball between the lines."
THAT: Reading between them,
Scully is actually explaining how he manages to still call games involving revolving-door
teams in the tacky remains of Dodger Stadium, while the once-proud organization is
crippled by one tawdry moneygrubber after another.
THE OTHER: Next to Gagne,
Scully is the only conceivable good reason to pay the least attention to the Dodgers
THIS: Ringo Starr is working
with legendary comic book artist Stan Lee to develop a multimedia franchise that will find
the former Beatles drummer staring as an animated superhero.
THAT: Ringo is already pretty
animated, and as far as I'm concerned, has always been a superhero.
THE OTHER: Ringo wears
earrings. Dobson and Falwell, get on the case.
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