This, That, and the Other
(Jan. 20, 2004)
     
      
        THIS: About a dozen protesters began chanting toward the end of "President" Bush's amazingly bland and empty coronation address, in which he essentially repeated the words "freedom" and "free" as often as possible.
        THAT: The protesters were promptly hustled away by police.
        THIS: "President" Bush reportedly wrote 14 drafts of his coronation address.
        THAT: Translation: "President" Bush rejected the Andy Card/Karl Rove/Condy Rice/Dick Cheney draft 14 times.
        THE OTHER: On the other hand, given how trite and lackluster it was, maybe Bush did write the thing.
        THIS: "Free societies are hopeful societies. And free societies will be allies against these hateful few who have no conscience, who kill at the whim of a hat." --George W. Bush, Sept. 17, 2004.
        THAT: Or the drop of a wink.
        THE OTHER: Don't count your kitchens before they snatch.
        THIS: At the coronation, "President" Bush swore to preserve, protect, and defend the constitution of "The Unitastase."
        THAT: Which country is that?
        THIS: Condo Rice told the Senate confirmation hearings that the tsunami provided a "wonderful opportunity" for the U.S. to show compassion.
        THAT: Just as Hitler once provided a wonderful opportunity for the world to show compassion to Jews.
        THE OTHER: And the atomic bomb provided a wonderful opportunity for the U.S. to show compassion to post-war Japan.
        THIS: Want to see who runs the country?
        THAT: Click here.
        THE OTHER: And you thought it was "the people."
        THIS: Queen Condo told the Senate confirmation hearing that the U.S. response to tsumani victims has "paid great dividends for us."
        THAT: Spoken like an ex-oil company executive!
        THIS: The U.S. military recently rejected a plan by the Air Force Research Laboratory to use chemical agents to turn enemy soldiers into homosexuals.
        THAT: Talk about friendly fire.
        THE OTHER: After capture, they would be tortured by being made to shop at Ross Dress for Less.
        THIS: The plan---this is real, folks---was to spend $7.5 million to develop an aphrodisiac that would suddenly cause enemy troops to become amorous with one another.
        THAT: Blow-back could be a problem (so to speak.)
        THE OTHER: Make love, not war.
        THIS: At the hearings confirming Queen Condo as Secretary of State, Sen. Barbara Boxer noted that pretty much everything Condo has ever said about Iraq and the so-called "war on terror" has turned out to be false---from WMD to the insane and cunning warning of a "mushroom cloud."
        THAT: Queen Condo, in typical style of imperious Bush administrators, reacted with hostility, warning Boxer not to "impugn my integrity."
        THE OTHER: What integrity?
        THIS: Condo is the little lady who dismissed the pre-9/11 CIA presidential daily briefing headed "Bin Laden Determined to Attack Within United States" as "historical information.".
        THAT: With integrity like this, who needs deceit?
        THIS: NBC "reporter" Andrea Bitch---er, Mitchell, aka Mrs. Alan Greenspan---asked this question of Sen. Barbara Boxer minutes before the inauguration: "How long are you going to hold up the (Rice) confirmation."
        THAT: With reporters like these, who needs Rush Limbaugh?
        THE OTHER: Boxer calmly explained that she has a duty to ask any nominee questions, especially (paraphrasing) one who has helped send the country to war under false pretenses.
        THIS: That dedicated investigative reporter Barbara Walters told Peter Jennings that she had learned that Bush was wearing his father's cufflinks at the coronation---and that he had only worn them four times before!
        THAT: Surprisingly, Walters had no information about Bush's underpants.
        THIS: Queen Condo to the Senate confirmation hearing: "We are building a candid, cooperative and constructive relationship with China that embraces our common interests but still recognizes our considerable differences about values."
        THAT: Translation: we will continue to outsource our work force to death and enrich China's economy while publically scolding those godless commie bastards for the sake of placating the glazed-brain American populace.
        THE OTHER: "Candid, cooperative, and constructive. . .common. . .considerable. . ." Nice alliteration, Condo. After you leave public service, you could have a career writing press releases.
        THIS: Toyota developed a special "inauguration edition" of the Tundra truck---with "salsa-red" pearl exterior and seats embossed with a "W" emblem in honor of "President" Bush. The truck was a door prize at the Texas State Society's "Black Tie and Boots" inaugural gala.
        THAT: Perfect for a truculent nation.
        THE OTHER: What a wonderful opportunity to show compassion to tsumani victims.
        THIS: The Air Force Research Laboratory also considered a means of creating "severe and lasting halitosis" in enemy soldiers, in order to literally sniff them out.
        THAT: This could have undercut the effects of the homosexual aphrodisiac.
        THE OTHER: We could not make this stuff up.
        THIS: NBC "reporter" Andrea Bitch---er, Mitchell---patronizingly told Sen. Barak Obama that he had spoken "eloquently" about bipartisanship, then asked if his questioning of Queen Condo makes him "concerned about sending the wrong message."
        THAT: Talk about "severe and lasting halitosis."
        THE OTHER: Mitchell's questions were a hair's breadth away from "don't you think you are helping the terrorists?"
        THIS: After "Vice-President" Dick Cheney was sworn in, ABC had a quick reaction shot of "President" Bush.
        THAT: Picking his nose.
        THE OTHER: Hail to the chief.
        THIS: Jennings told ABC "reporter" Claire Shipman that he understands that Laura Bush is "a strong woman---much stronger than people think."
        THAT: Shipman replied in a stout, resolute tone: "MUCH stronger, Peter!"
        THE OTHER: Now that's journalism. No wonder they pay these people millions.
        THIS: To protect "President" Bush at his $40 million coronation, Army Avenger missile systems, a Humvee-mounted version of the Stinger anti-aircraft missile, were deployed at several locations in the Washington, D.C. area. Military and security agencies also deployed F-16, F-15 and support aircraft and radar and communications systems.
        THAT: This is what the White House calls a "celebration of democracy."
        THIS: There are many words in other languages for concepts that might not be succinctly expressed in English.
        THAT: There is a word in Japanese, for example, tatemae (tah-tay-mye), which roughly means "the reality that everyone professes to be true, even though they may not privately believe it."
        THE OTHER: I knew there was a perfect word for Bush administration policy.
        THIS: Ten former Enron directors must cough up $13 million to settle the big class action suit brought by broke former employees of the defamed corporation so closely involved with Bush policy (and his largest 2000 campaign contributor.)
        THAT: Of 18 former directors, only ten have to pay. These same ten sold Enron shares worth more than $250 million during the period Enron was "misreporting" (read: lying) its finances. They will wind up keeping 90 percent of these earnings---$117 million.
        THE OTHER: ""We have a duty to every worker, shareholder and investor in America to punish the guilty, to close loopholes and protect employee pensions, and we will,"---George W. Bush.
        THE OTHER OTHER: Just round up those execs and turn them over to the Air Force Research Laboratory.
        THIS: Arnold Schwarzenegger, an actor of feeble ability who buffaloed a lot of empty-headed jackasses into electing him governor of California, campaigned partly on the basis of pledging to "expand the dream of college."
        THAT: He has since suspended K-12 school funding, proposed suspending the promise that every high school grad be guaranteed a place in a CSU or UC.
        THE OTHER: Only girlie men go to college.
        THIS: "Vice-President" Dick Cheney personally requested Attorney General John Ashcroft's odious "Let the Eagle Soar" be sung at the coronation.
        THAT: Should have picked "Me and My Shadow."
        THIS: Hillary Clinton was seen bobbing along merrily.
        THAT: That alone should disqualify her from office.
        THIS: Jimmy Carter graciously attended the coronation of the man who represents just about everything he opposes.
        THAT: It was good to see Carter so close to the oval office again.
        THE OTHER: Not close enough.
        THIS: Artist Don Van Vliet, who once terrorized the popular music world as Captain Beefheart, quietly turned 64 the other day in his oceanside Northern California home.
        THAT: Or as he would say, "sixty-four years OUT."
        THE OTHER: "It's all matter, but it doesn't matter." ---DVV.   
                         
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