by RIP RENSE
KERRY IS IN
(Oct. 22, 2004)
"If it flies, I'll shoot it
If it runs on the ground
If it lives in the forest and it makes a weird sound
I'll kill all the bears and the lions and goose
With my telescopic site, you know I'm feelin' real loose
I'll kill all the ducks and the geese and the quail
Just for a weekend of fun out on the Wilderness Trail."_
---Country Joe McDonald
Kill a goose and become president!
Honk if you hate buckshot! Oh, murther most fowl. . .murther most fowl. . .
How is it that in this country, killing animals
is a "guy thing?" I think it's just a die thing. How is it that using fine
precision weaponry to launch a metal projectile at superspeed into the innards of a
dumbass defenseless bird is considered manly?
"I'm a hunter," proclaims John Kerry,
over and over. Translation: "Hey, middle-American NRA-member gun-owning
defenseless-animal murderers, we're birds of a feather."
Well, I say go flock yourselves.
Native-Americans were hunters. They
used stealth and skill, and had enormous respect for animals they offed, mostly
with knives or arrows. What's more, they needed to hunt. No one needs to hunt any
Well, I take that back. John Kerry does. He
needs to get out there and gun down some winged migrators---some miracles of quill, bone
and DNA-encoded behavior---in order to become president. Every candidate does, if they
want to goose the NRA vote. It's either cook a goose you personally shot or your political
goose is cooked. It's a rite of passage not all that much unlike like those Al-Qaeda guys
who disemboweled dogs in order to prove they would make good little terrorists.
Sing it with me now, "I believe I can fly.
Not if there are any bigshot candidates around,
Just what kind of thrill do two fat
guys like President Dick "Vice President" Cheney his buddy Chief
Justice Antonio "Nino" Scalia get by hiding behind a duck blind in stupid
military camoflague outfits, firing massive amounts of metal into the air when dozens of
captive mallards are released overhead?
Are they imagining that it's Maureen Dowd up
there, quacking for her life, and Paul Krugman and John Daly? You know:
"Heh heh, nice shot, Nino---ya bagged a
major league asshole. Big time."
Nah, nothing that sophisticated. They simply
enjoy tapping into their inner werewolf and ripping into some warm animal flesh via
high-tech machinery now and again. Lots of flabby guys who haven't had sex in decades do.
I mean, I'll never forget watching the
tube once in Northern California, late at night, half-viewing lovely panoramic
shots of azure sky, open marshland, and waddling ducks who'd stopped to rest. Gee, I
thought, a nice, bucolic nature program to put me to sleep! Then some of the ducks---noble
avians with almost incandescent mauve and purple markings---took to the sky with a few
pumps of their muscular wings. They soared hither, they soared yon. And then. . .
"Waaaaaaaak! Waaaaaaak!" A
fake-sounding duck call. Followed by whispering. Why, I wondered sleepily, are the ducks
talking? Something about "They're coming this way."
I was just dozing off when the ground opened
Yes, the very ground turned into two moss and
weed-covered doors that flung wide open---fwap! What was this, the gates of hell?
For the ducks, yes.
Two fat middle-aged guys in full
camoflague stood up and began furiously pumping shotguns into the air, riddling
the formerly lyrical horizon with more lead than was launched at the Red Baron. And poor
Daffy and Donald and company, who had been lured by the sexy duck songs, hoping to find a
female with which to do the rumpy-pumpy tango fandango, instead found. . .fat guys with
They stopped in mid-flap, plummeting to earth
like somebody had just turned the gravity back on.
Kerry adviser Mike McCurry said the other day
that it's important in the final days of the campaign that voters ``get a better sense of
John Kerry, the guy.''
He meant John Kerry, the goose killer. The fact
that Kerry spent six months as a sitting duck on the rivers of Vietnam, where "swift
boats" had a 90 percent casualty rate (!) doesn't sufficiently convey the man's
"masculinity" to Middle Ameriguns. The fact that he is a fine father, and has
responsibly held down the distinguished job of U.S. senator for over twenty years---
powder puff stuff. The fact that he opposes private ownership of such dazzling killing
machines as assault weapons. . .
So Kerry and the geese are backed into a
corner, where they must play out their inevitable adversarial campaign roles to the death.
All to mollify the birdbrains.
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