The Sperminator
Oct. 6, 2003

        "I was always dreaming of very powerful people, dictators and things like that."---Arnold Schwarzenegger in "Pumping Iron."

      I realize that the big story of the day is that the Siegfried and Roy act is on indefinite hold, but I thought I'd chance a few words about the erection.
        I mean, election. Sorry, I've got Schwarzenegger on the brain---but not in the way you might think. Sex is not the problem here. It's certainly not Arnold's problem, as he obviously has enjoyed lots and lots of sex with lots and lots of women, and probably still does. Collie-fawnia, heah I come! The Sperminator!
       The problem here is that, as a friend of mine put it, the recall---with its headlines about Hitler, and the astounding vulgarities attributed to Schwarzenegger---is like something out of "South Park." To which I added: "Nope. 'South Park'" is more realistic."
        I mean, what sane person would whisper the following sweet nothing into his intended beloved's ear:
       "Have you ever had a man slide his tongue in your (anus)?"
        According to the L.A. Times, Schwarzenegger said this to young lady he was trying to impress.
        I don't know about you, but I always found that a nice bouquet, or dinner and a movie, were the way to a woman's heart. Somehow, Arnold's line seems just a little too forward, don't you think? Call me old-fashioned, but I suspect that one or two women out there might not really enjoy the idea of analingus.
        What? I'm too off-color for you? Sorry, but it isn't me---it's the election. Analingus is an election issue this year. (And let's not forget its proud political history. Thanks to that Christian Soldier Kenneth Starr, official U.S. government records will forever contain the information that Monica peformed this maneuver on our former President. On second thought, let's do forget that.)
        Well, I always knew politics involved a lot of ass-kissing.
        Since sex is the number-one election issue in this recall, let me say first and foremost that I approve of sex. Schwarzenegger is missing a bet here. He should just make it central to his platform. Instead of promising "fabulous jobs" for everyone in California, he should have promised fabulous. . .well, you get the idea. Gray Davis would have been tarred and feathered long ago.
        Look, the problem with electing Mr. Analingus---I mean, Mr. Universe---isn't his fondness for sex, or cheating on his wife, or groping every waitress, starlet, movie-set secretary and masseuse he meets, or the gangbangs he enjoyed in his frivolous youth.
        It's not the sex, it's the assault and assertion of power at issue. Laughing at my "politically correct?" stance, are you? Then ask yourself this, male readers: when you meet a woman for the first time, do you shake hands? Yes, I do, too! I don't clamp on to her hind with both hands, under her skirt, for twenty or thirty seconds, and say things like "you've got a nice ahss." As much as I might enjoy that. And neither do you, right?
        We're just too darned reserved.
        But not Schwarzenegger. He's made it his m.o. for picking up chicks. This, and, oh, allegedly hiking up their shirts in public if he thinks there is no bra hiding undernearth. . .inviting a waitress to insert a finger into her vagina, and then bring it back to him to sniff. (I'm not making this up, and neither is the L.A. Times.)
        Pretty creative stuff, Arnie! And here I once tried to impress a woman by talking about Beethoven. Pffft.
        Faithful readers, if you are among the grinning, star-struck "Join Arnold" zombies who dismiss these claims, and smugly proclaim that the L.A. Times is "out to get" Schwarzenegger, then I hope you enjoy voting for Mr. Analingus---especially those of you with daughters.
        But I must explain something to you: the Times researched its Schwarzenegger story daily for two months, with several reporters. For every claim, there is a corroboration by a witness. What's more, The Times was equally "out to get" Davis, Bustamente, Huffington, McClintock---having published other news stories (not commentaries) about every major candidate---containing extremely unflattering information. Consider:
        *The Times X-rayed Bustamente's stupidly titled "Tough Love for California" plan, and relentlessly covered his sly attempt to use more Indian "gaming" donations in his campaign than allowed---and all the wind went right out of that bag.
        *The Times reported Huffington's $10,000 tax deduction for cosmetics, her nearly nil income tax payments, and the fact that the anti-lobbyist candidate hired as her campaign manager a. . .tobacco lobbyist. This took the Huff out of Huffington.
        *The Times has reported Davis's travails extensively in Sunday paper front page stories, and well, we know how popular he is.
        Fact is, neither Bustamente nor Huffington nor Davis nor McClintock are movie stars trying to get elected---movie stars with zero background in politics, and with  legendary reputations for sexual hijinks. This is not only a legitimate issue---it warrants careful investigation. To repeat: not necessarily because of the sex, although serial philandering is legitimate issue, but because of the assault aspect.
       So Darn those other candidates for not having allegations of sexual harassment to investigate! Darn that Schwarzenegger for not having any political substance to investigate!
        Touching another person in sexual fashion without invitation is sexual battery. It is not "rowdy," to borrow Schwarzenegger's excuse. It is not "playful." It is beast-like. Ask yourself: if a stranger grabbed any part of your body in a sexual manner without permission, what would you call it?
        It simply reflects Schwarzenegger's whole agenda in life: the arrogant, hyper-aggressive, bullying pursuit of power. From the despicable, demoralizing practical jokes he played on his Mr. Universe competitors in the '70s to muscling his way into movies to marrying a Kennedy, the man craves power. What other kind of person smokes $500 cigars?
        Which brings up Hitler. Arnold is right---Adolf was a hell of a public speaker. He mesmerized the masses with vague promises of glory and riches. He was about as specific in his outline for a better Germany as Schwarzenegger is specific in his outline for a better Collie-fawnia.
        And that, really, is the most important thing to bear in mind when you vote: Schwarzenegger has offered no specifics for fixing California. He has no magic plan, he has no experience, he has no ability to do anything other than mesmerize the masses. He is an egomaniacal front man for the extremist right-wing reactionary rich and powerful. You know, the not-so-compassionate conservatives. This is an attempt to buy the state, by propping up a popular movie star as a candidate.
        The cynicism and flagrant cunning of it all is a far greater obscenity than any ever imagined by Mr. Analingus.

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