THIS, THAT, AND THE OTHER. . .
(May 4, 2005)

THIS: L.A. Mayor James Hahn attacks mayoral candidate Antonio “Little Anthony” Villaraigosa for questionable fundraising. Villaraigosa attacks Hahn for. . .questionable fundraising.

THAT: What candidate in the country is not subject to charges of questionable fundraising?

THE OTHER: Maybe I’m the only one who noticed, but there seem to have been a lot of shootings on freeways lately.

THIS: Chief of Police William J. Bratton called public fear of being shot to death on the freeway “perception, not reality.”

THAT: There are four people who would argue with that perception, except that they have been really, really shot and killed on freeways.

THE OTHER: Bratton’s inspiring leadership is almost as captivating as Mayor Hahn’s.

EXTRA: SKID ROW BLUES,  by Paul Weeks CLICK HERE

THIS: “First Lady” Laura Bush made some jokes at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner the other night. Here is one: “I'm proud of George. He's learned a lot about ranching since that first year, when he tried to milk the horse. What's worse, it was a male horse.”

THAT: Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the “First Lady” (can’t type that without quotation marks) actually made a “joke” about the “President” (need quotes there, too) of the United States performing a sex act on a horse.

THE OTHER: First Lady? Of a trailer park, maybe.

THIS: On the other hand, Riposte once heard Prince Philip say “I should think they’re gearing up for big gang-bang about now,” while viewing a cage full of apes at the San Diego Zoo.

THAT: Still, Philip is known for his interest in zoology, and it was mating season.

THE OTHER: The extent of Laura Bush’s interest in zoology is not known, but it isn’t surprising that it somehow would involve her husband.

THIS: Hahn never points out that most of the big money and corporate interests have lined up behind Little Anthony. Dick Riordan’s endorsement alone should be enough to keep Villaraigosa from being elected.

THAT: On the other hand, maybe most people in L.A. really like monumental density, the razing of lovely old neighborhoods in favor of hideous condo hives, and every single street in town lined at all times with a festive array of parked cars.

THIS: The redoubtable obit writer for the L.A. Times, Myrna Oliver, was right on top the situation in writing of the passing of George “Little Oscar” Molchan in Monday’s paper.

THAT: A memo exchange between Oliver and editor(s) explored the best way to refer to dwarves/midgets/little people: “According to the Little People of America website, the term midget can be offensive while dwarf is OK. -Myrna Note on Sun24: I ran terminology by Melissa McCoy and Clark Stevens (editors who oversee copy desks and language style of the Times) who say midget is a small person of normal proportions; dwarf is a small person with enlarged head, shortened limbs, other disproportionate shape. Clark sez ‘Little People’ sounds ‘precious.’”

THE OTHER: Oliver’s obit apparently solved the little problem by not using any of the terms (except in reference to the Little People of America.)

THIS: The obit did make mention of Munchkins, leprauchans, elves, who cannot defend themselves due to probable lack of existence.

THAT: One wonders, though, if the late Little Oscar would have enjoyed Oliver’s lead: “The little man stood only 10 hot dogs high.”

THE OTHER: Would that be ten Hebrew Nationals or Dodger Dogs? Did Oliver go to the Times test kitchen and make a careful study?

THIS: News item: an Ohio Army recruiter signed up a guy fresh from a three-week stint in a psychiatric ward. The 21-year-old, diagnosed with bipolar disorder, later had his enlistment cancelled.

THAT: Another recruiter said he has been bending or breaking enlistment rules for months, hiding police records and medical histories of potential recruits.

THE OTHER: Be as insane as you can be. . .in the arrrrrr. . . my!

THIS: Explorer Pen Hadow has vowed to continue his adventures after becoming the first Briton to trek to both the geographic North and South Poles without outside help.

THAT: Bipolar disorder.

THIS: Up to one in 100 adults in the workplace is a psychopath, say Robert D. Hare, Ph.D. and Paul Babiak, Ph.D., authors of  the forthcoming "Snakes in Suits: When Psychopaths Go to Work." Psychopaths, they also note, comprise as much as a quarter of the prison population.

THAT: A whole new recruitment pool for the Army!

THE OTHER: Maybe this explains what's happened to the L.A. Times.

THIS: Riposte once spoke to Times obit specialist Oliver, in 1990, when he tried to get a brief mention into the paper about the passing of Riposte Sr.

THAT: Ms. Oliver responded, "Not everyone can have an obituary in the Los Angeles Times."

THE OTHER: Wonder how many hot dogs make up Ms. Oliver.

THIS: Another joke from that wit Laura Bush: “People often wonder what my mother-in-law's really like. People think she's a sweet, grandmotherly, Aunt Bea type. She's actually more like, mmm, Don Corleone."

THAT: The only funny thing about that statement is that it is true.

THIS: Little Oscar once threw a Wiener Whistle to Riposte, during a parade at the Costa Mesa Fish Fry in 1958.

THAT: Little Oscar was, of course, in the Wienermobile, which was the singlemost impressive thing Riposte had seen up to that moment. This, of course, was before puberty.

THE OTHER: That was a line worthy of Laura Bush.

THIS: Little Anthony is touting better transportation as one of his many little mayoral campaign promises. A few weeks ago, he spoke of a subway extending the Red Line from North Hollywood to Sylmar.

THAT: The Red Line subway cost $300 million per mile ten years ago.

THE OTHER: Perhaps Little Anthony’s campaign contributions need to be questioned, after all.

THIS: A subway to Sylmar? The old Pacific Electric Line ran east-west across the Valley, making it accessible to all Valley residents with a short drive or a bus ride.

THAT: Of course, a north-south subway through North Hollywood, Van Nuys, and Sylmar---ignoring over half the Valley---would be very convenient for lots of gang members.

THE OTHER: Maybe that’s Little Anthony’s reasoning: get the gangs out of their Monte Carlos and into the Red Line, so as to reduce the number of drive-by and freeway murders.

THIS: Cream reunited for four concerts for the first time since 1968 (minus a brief Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame performance) and New York Times critic Jon Pareles called it “underwhelming.”

THAT: Perhaps Pareles needs a ride on the Harbor Freeway.

THIS: L.A. freeways lately have had lighter traffic, and motorists have been just astoundingly polite, leaving lots and lots of space between cars and hardly doing any cutting in front of one another.

THAT: Maybe if the CHP just shot people instead of issuing tickets, driving in L.A. would be this nice all the time.

THIS: Bush says his “means-adjusted” Social Security plan would give priority to those who most need the money.

THAT: Can you say “welfare?”

THE OTHER: Mr. “President,” there is a job opening in the Wienermobile.

THIS: Hardly any neighborhood in Southern California is free of gangs, or evidence of gang activity. The city lives in fear.

THAT: Declare all baggy attire, oversized white T-shirts, tattoos, and shaved heads a felony with instant $10,000 fine.

THE OTHER: Of course, this should be done for fashion reasons alone.

THIS: Schwarzenegger’s popularity plummets after he idiotically labels nurses, teachers, and firefighters as “special interests.”

THAT: Schwarzenegger’s performance as governor has proved one thing beyond doubt: Maria Shriver has to be really, really dumb.

THE OTHER: Schwarzenegger stands just twenty hot dogs high.

THIS: Edward von Kloberg III jumped to his death the other day, from a castle in Rome.

THAT: Kloberg spent his life doing public relations to boost the images of Saddam Hussein, Nicolae Ceausescu, the military regime in Burma, Guatemalan businessmen who supported the country’s death squads, and other noble clients.

THE OTHER: Too bad. Bush could have used him.

THIS: Buried on page three, section two of the L.A. Times last week was a very brief story about “First Lady” Laura Bush making a very brief stop at Father Gregory Boyle’s fabulous Homeboy Industries in Boyle Heights---probably the only viable means that reluctant gang members have of re-entering a non-criminal existence.

THAT: Laura stopped in for her quickie photo-op at Homeboy after spending a few hours sipping champagne with the hoi polloi in Beverly Hills.

THE OTHER: Let them eat pan dulce.

THIS: The imperious Little Anthony recently lamely declared that he is still that little boy shining shoes on 7th and Broadway.

THAT: This might be the most truthful thing he has said in his entire campaign.

THE OTHER: Little Anthony stands 12.1 hot dogs high.

THIS: Statement from a war correspondent: "I had come to despise and be revolted by war clear out of any logical proportion. I couldn't find the Four Freedoms among the dead men. Personal weariness became a forest that shut off my view of events about me. I was no longer seeing the little things that you at home want to know about the soldiers."

THAT: The words of one of our valiant "embedded" reporters in Iraq? Who dutifully report the daily body count and all the propaganda from Bush and Cheney?

THE OTHER: Not quite. Try Ernie Pyle in WWII. Ernie stood many hot dogs higher than 99.9 percent of today's correspondents in Iraq.

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