ROUND THE BEND
 (June 8, 2006)

         This week, we feature guest columnist and poet E. Pluribus Sputum:

round the bend that’s where we are in the frying pan and get me a car I’ve got to get outta this place if it’s the last thing I ever do the third world war shuffle do the voodoo boogaloo turn around twice and everything’s sugar and spice in crummy rummyland and vice is nice but condi is dandi and cheney, my baby’s got me locked up in cheney and he ain’t the kind that you can see comma comma down doobie doo down down breakin’ up is hard to do and it gets ever increasingly harder to break up over anything anymore while the third world war shuffle is breaking out hey bush declared it world war three so get down one one knee and say mammy because you’ll see her soon enough as things are getting mighty tough and that comment was off the cuff so don’t quote me just vote me into office and let me have hookers and poker and cigars with my old fat bald ugly rich frat-boy rich jackoff buddies talking about nookie just like the prez cause that’s what he says he and his daddy like to talk about so nookie talk must be patriotic now and it doesn’t really matter what chords I play what words I say or time of day it is and it doesn’t matter how rich franks insights are or what the mayor of saltlakecity says in his speeches or how dowdy maureen isn’t because nobody’s reading unless that vrago coulter writes and nobody told me there’d be days like these strange days indeed nobody’s listening the press is a thumbsucking three-year-old and it’s a nation of cowboys doped with religion and sex and teevee and they think they’re so clever and classless and free thank you john lennon so do the world war three shuffle aint gonna be no little bitty scuffle, everybody’s feathers gonna get real ruffled and we gonna do the earth-shaking world war three shuffle that deck doesn’t matter the cards are all the same now what about that uranium in afghanistan you say its not the depleted kind its still in the ground you can tell by the pottery actually that comes from there see I read a lot yes we’re in afghanistan to spread democracy which is why the taliban are still tally hoing and oh by the way there’s a load of gas oil and uranium there and wow it’s not easy writing a goddamn column for free on a website every goddamn week and working on books and staying sane and nobody reads the goddamn thing or pays you for it anyhow we are in the grips of the most cynical and murderous bunch of incompentent nincompoop maniacs in the history of the country and bush is all caught up in alky damaged deranged derringer notions of martyrdom which is the domain of the martyr and it’s really just like martin sheen’s character in the dead zone go rent it as fast as you can can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man can’t believe how nodding and accepting and stupid it all is bunch of cowboys in charge public is watching a great big western or a big oliver stone movie or something conspiracy of girl scout cookies so get ready shake your partner do-see-do hold ‘em tight and do the world war three shuffle you see it’s going to be a bit more than just a little middle east tussle that is we’re gonna get all our bags out and duffle when we do the world war three shuffle and be sure and throw rice at the wedding of george and the devil we’re all invited of course the devil is dressed just like white anglo-saxon protestant life savior himself so just because you left and said goodbye, do you think that I will sit and cry maybe the next smoking gun will be a mushroom cloud said condi and she just doesn’t know that she is a self-fulfilling profit just add water and shake and do the third world shuffle and watch the condoleezza hustle now that condi ain’t no blondie and that’s what makes her so am bitch ous and we have no better friend than that did you see that in the new york times condi telling every goddamn world leader she meets we have no better friend than you over and over again we have no better friend than Japan and we have no better friend than England and we have no better friend than Germany and with friends like condi who the hell needs enemas uncle sam has a bad heart and travels with a bio-chem suit and a team of doctors and cannot pronounce “nuclear” he squints and says “gee whillikers” and "henny penny" when he reads newspapers that upset him and he wants the free press arrested for spying I looked into Uncle Sam’s soul recently and I did not see a good man there but the furtive, suspicious, darting eyes of a paranoid schizophrenic like the meth-fried freaks wandering the streets he talks a lot about terrorists and phone records and reporters on cell phones and comedians making fun of him he drives a lincoln by the way which seems rather ironic if not iconic I saw him with a 12-pack of bud and some krispy kreme burgers smoking a marlboro you get a lot to like with a marlboro I saw him leasing a condo with leezza you know like tom jefferson did for sally hemmings and they’re down to sending eskimo national guard to Iraq now gonna make eskimo pies out of ‘em this is a great big ernie kovacs movie or if that is too dated a reference try dating someone else if you can find anyone who is not a former heroin addict and does not say cool yes they’re sending nanook and 670 others from the frozen tundra to the desert of Iraq guess they don’t use sled dogs there and hide the kids because soon they will be drafting them for god and gorey i keep hoping that heads will roll in this administration but you have democrap cowards like Pelosi saying they will not consider impeachment but heads are rolling in Baghdad anyhow there were nine of them that rolled out of a fruit packing crate there the other day so do the world war three shuffle and send the marines in and do the execute-the-kiddie muffle it’s all gonna be one big kerfluffle doin the world war three shuffle send the marines in they rock don’t they give them a little speed, blow up a buddy and watch them rock ‘n’ roll hey it’s just like a video game wiping out entire families of sleeping children ever see a baby with its face blown off for America we are staying the course bush says we are staying the course staying the corpse their democracy won’t look exactly like ours rummy that’s right it will have fruit boxes full of heads and poor crazed kids in marine outfits shooting sleeping babies that’s not exactly what the founding fathers had in mind but never mind because they’re just a few bad apples in iraq and it was just an “incident” as cunti said and now that we've killed al-sarqawi everything will be wowie-zowie just a few more als to catch and yes jesus loves us especially the colorado rockies baseball team which is only hiring players who have accepted Jesus as their personal lard and savoir-faire they’re in last place could use jesus i hear he’s got good stuff and the kkk is marching in the south again to get rid of all them eeeelegals as the newspinheads pronounce it never mind that the country has allowed them invited them here for decades si se puede si say what? see say can you see by the dawn’s dimming light caused by particulate matter in the air that is actually cooling the global warming isn’t that cool not really because when we clean up the particulate matter its going to be particularly hotter because it’s actually masking global warming never mind and that will matter but it’s all matter and it doesn’t matter so long billy you sang heart we need more who sing heart but so many songs are grinding and tuneless and shrieking now like the music the marines make and the music that plays in cheney’s head and in fox mannequins crazy like a fox mannequin and we need some new composers and painters and newsmannequins gimme a fat guy in shirtsleeves reading wire copy without looking up nothin’ from nothin’ leaves nothin’ as billy said and we got nothin’ in iraq and new orleans and washington as much nothin’ as those goddamn brainwashed freak suicide children of radical islam and hey i think islam is radical enough isn’t it without perverting it for murder acid rain andromeda dust albatrosses dying bush lying gore trying international slave trade overcrowding in antarctica iran cant have nukes but uncle sam will help iran have nukes iran you ran they all ran for iran they stole the ’04 election they stole bob dole’s erection but 2008 is nothin’ a little viagra won’t fixin' a hole where the rain gets in and stops my mind from wandering where it will you go girl oprah winfrey is the reigning spiritual leader of amerryguns with more reign in the forecast oil’s well that ends well round the bend round the bend round the bend


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