by RIP RENSE
SECRET BUSH TAPE!
(Oct. 5, 2005)
Post has obtained a tape containing instructions by “President”
George W. Bush for writing the speech introducing Harriet Miers as his
nominee for retiring Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor’s spot.
The RP edtiorial board
would go to jail, just like our hero, Judy Miller, rather than reveal the
source of the tape, other than to say that we have no relationship
whatsoever with anyone on the planet named “Scooter.”
Our source speculates
that Bush was “well into a bottle of Jim Beam” at the time he dictated these
instructions to his speechwriter. This could not be verified, although there
is a suspicious clinking on the tape from time to time, and the “president”
does become a bit freewheeling in his instructions.
Finally, it seems likely
Condoleezza Rice was involved in the writing process, because Bush
repeatedly addresses “Madame Secretary," and at one point refers to
comments are contrasted with the final speech, below.
FINAL SPEECH, PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH: Once again, I considered a
wide variety of distinguished Americans from different walks of life. Once
again, we consulted with Democrats and Republicans in the United States
Senate. We received good advice from more than 80 senators. And once again,
one person stood out as exceptionally well suited to sit on the highest
court of our nation.
BUSH TAPE: My fellow Americans blah blah. I didn’t consider anyone
for this new job, except Harriet, and I wouldn’t-uh considered her except
that Laura leaned on me to pick a broad. But don’t say it that way---L-O-L!
Course I woulda picked Laura if I could, but she don’t have a law degree.
But she’d make a heckuva justice! Or judge. How come they call some of them
justices and some of them judges, anyhow? Frankly, I don’t think that not
having a law degree should be a problem, but the media would put her through
heck over it. So I picked Harriet, acause she’s always been loyal tuh me,
and uh. . .she goes to a good evangelical church and uh. . .is a nice lady,
when she’s not drinking, anyhow. L-O-L. She’s my pit bull! And she’s damn
good with a black marker, too---just look at my old National Guard records.
She’s a lawyer, anyhow, so whaddya want, egg in your beer? Maybe say, “she’s
a lawyer, too, but don’t let that bother you"---L-O-L. Or maybe not. We
didn’t consult anybody at all on this, so better say something about how I
talked to 80 or 90 senators or some crap. Say something like we believe that
we know what’s right for America, and you believe it, too. An’ I like this
part---Sure, there’s lots of lady judges out there. Judge Judy, for
instance. But you don’t have tuh be a judge to be a Supreme Court Justice!
Like I didn’t have to be a president tuh be president! You can kind of fix
that part a little.
SPEECH: This morning, I'm proud to announce that I am nominating
Harriet Ellan Miers to serve as Associate Justice of the Supreme Court. For
the past five years, Harriet Miers has served in critical roles in our
nation's government, including one of the most important legal positions in
the country, White House Counsel. She has devoted her life to the rule of
law and the cause of justice. She will be an outstanding addition to the
Supreme Court of the United States.
BUSH TAPE: Here---say a lotta good-sounding crap about Hattie so it
dudn't’t look too bad that she’s never been a judge, and is just an average
kind o’lawyer. An' anyhow, bein' my lawyer is one uh the most
impordunt jobs in the country, and the planet. I mean, whaddya want, salt on
SPEECH: Harriet was born and raised in Dallas, Texas. She attended
public schools. When illness struck her family during her freshman year in
college, Harriet went to work to help pay for her own education. She went on
to receive a bachelor's degree in mathematics and a law degree from Southern
BUSH TAPE: Paint a word-pitcher of Hattie. She paid for her own
education, y’ know, and got a degree in math or something crazy like that.
So that shows she’s smart, uh. . .and dudn’t need commie entitlement
programs. Make sure and
mention that she went to that Methodist school. Oh, and get that stuff about
illness in the family---that’s impordunt. Makes her empathetic, or
sympathetic, or pathetic, whatever it is. I was thinkin’ of sayin’ that her
whole judicial philosophy comes down to “how would Jesus rule?” Whaddya
SPEECH: Over the course of a distinguished legal career, Harriet has
earned the respect and admiration of her fellow attorneys. She has a record
of achievement in the law, as well as experience as an elected member of the
Dallas City Council. She served at high levels of both state and federal
government. Before state and federal courts, she has tried cases and argued
appeals that covered a broad range of matters. She's been a leader in the
American Bar Association and has been recognized by the National Law Journal
as one of the most powerful attorneys in America.
BUSH TAPE: An' I think we need more word-pitcher. Lotta b.s. about
respect of her peers, uh. . .Dallas City Council doesn’t sound too good for
a Supreme Court nominee, so say she served at “high levels” of state and
federal government. B’lieve me, if she was servin’ with me, she was at high
levels, heh heh. You know, say she’s tried cases on a “broad range of
matters.” Laura will laugh at that cause she hates me usin’ that word,
“broad.” Get that word “leader” in there somewhere, lots o’ times. I used it
a lot in 2000, and the people ate it up. I just said, “I’m a leader” all the
time till the idiots believed me. I did a heckuva job in that election.
SPEECH: Harriet's greatest inspiration was her mother, who taught her
the difference between right and wrong and instilled in Harriet the
conviction that she could do anything she set her mind to. Inspired by that
confidence, Harriet became a pioneer in the field of law, breaking down
barriers to women that remained even after a generation -- remained a
generation after President Reagan appointed Justice O'Connor to the Supreme
BUSH TAPE: I dunno. . .Say somethin' about her mommy. People like
that. An' we gotta stop all the stuff about how she’s not a judge, and how
I’m just pickin' her cause she’s my friend. You know all the major league
assholes in the media will trot out all kinds of lady judges who they say
are more qualifed, but screw ‘em and the horse they rode in on. Dudn’t
matter. I can pick who I want tuh. I’ve got a charge to keep. Jus’ like the
pitcher on my wall with that lonely cowboy says, “A Charge to Keep.”
Call her a pioneer or something. Americans are like ten-year-olds, like I
always say, and they like that kind of “pioneer” crap. Then say she broke
barriers for women, or something. That’ll piss off the commies. They hate it
when we steal their tricks, like when I hired you, Madame Sekkertary. Oh,
and be sure and say that her Ma taught her the diffurnce between right and
wrong. That’s impordunt for a judge, tuh know the diffurnce between right and
SPEECH: Harriet was the first woman to be hired at one of Dallas's
top law firms, the first woman to become president of that firm, the first
woman to lead a large law firm in the state of Texas. Harriet also became
the first woman president of the Dallas Bar Association and the first woman
elected president of the State Bar of Texas. In recognition of her
achievements paving the way for women lawyers, Harriet's colleagues in Texas
have honored her with numerous awards, most recently the Sandra Day O'Connor
Award for Professional Excellence.
BUSH TAPE: Get lotsa “first” crap in there. PR the crapola out of this
thing. See if you can make it stick, that pioneer stuff. Y’know, she was the
first woman tuh. . .do. . .whatever the heck it was she was first tuh do. An'
tally up her merit badges, you know the drill. . .
SPEECH: Harriet has built a reputation for fairness and integrity.
When I came to office as the governor of Texas, the Lottery Commission
needed a leader of unquestioned integrity. I chose Harriet because I knew
she would earn the confidence of the people of Texas. The Dallas Morning
News said that Harriet insisted on a system that was fair and honest. She
BUSH TAPE: Do the “fairness and integrity” crap. She never been a
judge, but we got tuh make her sound like she been one. Say something about
that Lottery Commission thing. You know she did a heckuva job on it. If you
can run a lottery, you can rule on abortion. I mean, she delivered results!
Hey, wish Saddam was still running Iraq, donchyou? Talk about deliverin'
results! Really like tuh kick his
towelhead ass all over again. That was goddamn good, wudn’t it? Fun seein’
him pulled outta that hole in the ground. An’ I hope we can kick that little
North Korean bastard’s ass before I’m outta here.Maybe nuke the
son-of-a-bitch. What’s his name, anyhow? Kim Dong Ill or somethin’. Heh heh,
mebbe he’s got V.D.! Dong ill! L-O-L. How come those squarehead bastards are
all named Kim? I once did a broad named Kim. Oh, sorry, Madame Sekkertary.
Yeah, we did a heckuva job on Saddam.
SPEECH: Harriet has also earned a reputation for her deep compassion
and abiding sense of duty. In Texas, she made it her mission to support
better legal representation for the poor and underserved. As president of
the Dallas Bar, she called on her fellow lawyers to volunteer and staff free
neighborhood clinics. She led by example. She put in long hours of pro bono
work. Harriet Miers has given generously of her time and talent by serving
as a leader with more than a dozen community groups and charities, including
the Young Women's Christian Association, Child Care Dallas, Goodwill
Industries, Exodus Ministries, Meals on Wheels and the Legal Aid Society.
BUSH TAPE: Kim bites the big one! Think they’ll shoot Saddam or hang
‘im? I’d like to get over there, incognito, fer that. . .Jesus loves me,
yes he do, ‘cause the Bible tell me to. . .That goddamn Cindy Sheehan
broad fries my ass. Like tuh send her over to spend a week in a cell with
Saddam, heh. Talk about torture! Oh, hell, say Hattie baked cookies, helped
old ladies across the street, she dudn’t cuss blah blah, don’t chew tobacco.
. . In 1814 we took a little trip, along with Colonel Jackson down the
mighty Mississip. . .Hattie give a lot to charity, like the YWCA, but
don't say YWCA, y' know---spell it out! Young Women's Christian Association.
Get Jesus in there. . .Talk about her pro bono work. . .Heh, wouldn't mind
some pro bono work m'self. . .Oops, sorry, you know me. . .We took a li’l
bacon and took a li’l beans. . .dah dah dah dah dah all the way to New
Orleans. . .
SPEECH: Harriet's life has been characterized by service to others,
and she will bring that same passion for service to the Supreme Court of the
United States. I've given a lot of thought to the kind of people who should
serve on the federal judiciary.
BUSH TAPE: Okey-dokey. . .lesseee here. . .Oh, use some
touchy-feeling words like “passion.” All the commies like that. Y’know, say
I gave a lotta thought tuh thisss. . .An’ I did. I musta thought about it
fer lease all the timeouts in the the SC game th’other day. Heckuva game,
wudn’t it? We fired our guns, but the British kep’ a comin’. . .there
wudn’t quite as minny as there was a while agoooo. . .Y’know Madame
Seckerterry, those shoes you bought up in New York look mighty good on those
li’l brown legs o’ yours. . .Kind uh props up your hynie. . .See we gotta
get Hattie on the court, 'cause she's my pit bull! She won't let the wimp
congurse get in the way o' fightin' terrists. . .Oh! yeah, here's the mos’
impordunt part. . .
SPEECH: I've come to agree with the late Chief Justice William
Rehnquist, who wrote about the importance of having judges who are drawn
from a wide diversity of professional backgrounds. Justice Rehnquist himself
came to the Supreme Court without prior experience on the bench, as did more
than 35 other men, including Byron White. And I'm proud to nominate an
outstanding woman who brings a similar record of achievement in private
practice and public service. Under the Constitution, Harriet's nomination
now goes before the United States Senate for confirmation.
BUSH TAPE: Ya gotta say it don’t matter that she wudn’t a
judge---‘cause Karl tole me that Rehnquiss wudn’ a judge! Didja know that?
Shit, how kin they let somebody be on the Spreem Court without bein’ a
judge? Ain’t that somethin’? Damn, I coulda picked my Ma fer the job. . .if
she wanted it, I would, too. . .Oh, an’ Karl says they had 35 other judges
on that court who was white, or somethin’ like that. Check with him, okay?
Oh, they ran through the briars, an’ they ran through the brambles, and
they ran through the bushes where a rabbitwouldngooooo. . .So, my li’l
brown secckerterry pal. . .Y’know, you and Hattie’s both virgins, but I
wancha tuh know that you’re my favorite.. . .Uhhh. . .Because the Bible
tell me so, I'll siddown and scratch my toe. . .Yes, Jeeezuz loves meeeee. . .Hey, howdja like where
we tried out
a little Tularemia on the commie protesters? Now if we can get congurse to
gimme powers tuh enforce quarantines with the army, we’re cookin’ with
gassss! Just dose up the commies with some virus ‘r germ crap, and then round
‘em up! Well, we fired our cannon til the barrel melted down, so we
grabbed an alligator and we fought another round. . .Heh. . .We filled his head with
cannon balls and powdered his behind, and when they tetched the powder off,
the gator lost his mind. . .Think I need a bathroom break. . .
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