RIPOSTE
by RIP RENSE |
|
CHEERS FROM THE LINGO
CZAR!
(3/1/06)
The Lingo
Czar has put aside his paralyzing astonishment over nearly everything
happening in the world today, and, well, no he hasn't. He is barely able to
type at this stage, so thunderstruck is he by the staggeringly stupid manner
in which human beings are currently conducting themselves. Only his undying
sense of duty has led him to shackle himself to this computer and bring you
a column. Now
where is that damn key. . .
Accordingly, noble
citizens are hereby advised to avoid using the following worn-out phrases,
buffoonish slang, buzzwords, mistakes and mispronunciations infecting and
muddling clear and dignified communication in this, the alleged 21st
century. They are rated "T" (trite), "A" (asinine), "P" (pretentious), "W"
(whoops), and "CP" (criminally prosecutable, with recommended minimum
punishment of one day of self-imposed silence).
HIIIIEEEEEEEE---The Czar likes women. Really. For a great variety of
reasons, beginning with their great big bouncing intellects. He has known a
good many fine ladies, and has duly admired their large aspirations and well-rounded backgrounds,
and he has the hardest and most unwavering commitment to their success and happiness. So
it is always with great dismay that he witnesses full-grown adult female
humans in
smart business attire greet one another as if someone has hidden bumblebees
in their panties. "Hiiiiieeeeeee!" is sung out shamelessly in public
places, but then, most things are done shamelessly in public places these
days. To make matters worse, it is quite often accompanied by a little bouncy tippi-toe
dance and goofy, mad embrace---sometimes capped off by "ladeeee" or "girlfriend."
Please say byyyyeeeeee to hiiiiieeeeee. A.
GIRLFRIEND---The Czar can no longer have a girlfriend, not
merely because the Czarina wouldn't approve, but because girlfriends are now
reserved exclusively for other girls. At least that's what
extra-terrestrials would conclude after watching Oprah, whose program is
largely responsibile for placing "girlfriend" in the public patois. Of course,
extra-terrestrials would also conclude that Oprah is Queen of Earth, so
perhaps that's irrelevant. But when is the last time you heard a male refer
to a female as his "girlfriend?" And when is the last time you heard a
female refer to a female as "girlfriend?" Right, I thought so. Oprah's
influence is not only great in causing people to purchase fiction books
passed off as fact, but also in influencing language in a big way,
girlfriend. Soon girlfriend will become like "dude," which is now employed in unisex
fashion. Perhaps, in the Winfrey household, it already is. Steadman, get me
the Pringles, girlfriend. . .A.
NOT A PROBLEM---What, me worry? This half-sister of
Alfred E. Newman’s pet phrase renders anyone who speaks it a
problem. A permutation of “no problem,” it is often pronounced in sing-songy
fashion, with a perky little smile. As in “see what a folksy, wonderfully
cooperative person I am!” It could actually be notated musically. The first
word is generally emphasized, drawn out, and the first syllable of “problem"
is squawked. Something
like this: “Nahhht a PROBlemmm!” While the Czar dislikes problems,
and wishes
that more things were not a problem, this phrase has an annoying tendency to
supplant “okay,” “yes,” “fine,” “bitchen,” and “righteeo!” What’s more, it
easily gets stuck in repeat mode, in the grand tradition of “y’know.” The
Czar has had phone conversations with travel agents, computer technicians,
and even worse, editors, who have sung the “Not a problem” song, over and
over. It reaches a point where one can almost say anything, and get the “not
a problem” reflex in response. “Fix my
computer?” “Not a problem.” “Shave the cat?” “Not a problem.” “Eat my
shorts?” “Not a problem!” Perhaps there is some reactionary psychology
involved here; that people are so inundated and hammered with problems that
they have taken to crowing “not a problem” as a kind of unwitting prayer.
This. . .is a problem. T, A.
SUCKY--- Fellatio first was employed in disparaging fashion by
teenagers who were looking to be coarse and outrageous. It was pathetic
enough that the vulgar “this sucks” sneaked into adult discourse, seeing as
it refers directly to fellatio (and, not to be sexist about things here, I
will allow that cunnilingus might also be involved.) Hence you have
five-year-olds of all ages saying “that sucks,” literally meaning “that
performs fellatio.” (Book of Seinfeld 14:21---Not that there's anything
wrong with that.) Mm-hm. That’s our good old Slanglish. Now we have the
adjectival “sucky,” as in “it’s really sucky.” Why, just last week a lovely
woman said to The Czar, regarding her technique on a musical instrument, “it
was really sucky.” And it wasn’t even an instrument played by mouth! Now, I
realize that “sucky” is not meant to literally translate, but any time a
female employs “suck” or “sucky,” The Czar wants to say, “do you realize you
are referring to fellatio?” Because, frankly, when lovely women start using
words like “suck” and “sucky” in front of male chauvinist pigs like The
Czar, it is. . .distracting. A.
SUCKS ASS---We are here venturing into the deeply banal, with
some regret, but these things must be done on occasion---this occasion
having been afforded by a perfectly nice young fellow
working in a coffee joint, who declared, “It sucked ass.” This was in reference to
the simple and friendly entreaty, “how was your weekend?” spoken by another
employee---and a female employee, at that! Well, not only did this diminish
His Wordliness’s interest in ingesting coffee, or anything else, but gee, it
was just a bit oh, un-picturesque. Do we really live in a world where common
conversation has so decayed? The speaker of this decorative outburst---which
he repeated emphatically, incidentally, to other employees---did not seem to
find anything objectionable about it, and, more to the point, neither did
the recipients. A (pun intended.)
SECULAR HUMANIST---This has become the equivalent of “dirty
commie bastard” for the 21st century. Thanks to televangelists and so-called
“Christian” propagandists everywhere (and Dennis Prager), “secular humanist”
is up there with “godless commie,” “dirty hippie,” “liberal do-gooder,” and
“enviro-wacko.” The only thing wacko here is that any of this madness is
transpiring, of course. Let’s examine this. “Secular” means, more or less,
outside of organized religion, if not religion altogether. “Humanist” refers
to a person dedicated to the humanities; a student of literary culture. We
are dealing with a secondary or tertiary meaning here, though:
“humanitarian,” which, last The Czar checked, was one of the most flattering
and respectable descriptions a human could aspire to earn. It is, Webster’s
informs, “a philosophy that usu. rejects supernaturalism and stresses and
individual’s dignity and worth and capacity for self-realization through
reason.” Wow. Well, you know, reason is pretty dangerous stuff! It is
certainly the enemy of televangelists and the “Christian Right,” many of
whom think the earth was cooked up a few thousand years ago by the Holy
Whisk and Mixing Bowl. What, exactly, is wrong with being outside organized
religion? What is wrong with a private religion, or an ethical philosophy in
place of a religion? Those who say this leads to “permissiveness” and
“societal breakdown” might find more viable culprits in weakness of will,
poverty of intellect, and the pervasive influence of a mercenary media
thriving on low-common-denominator stimulus. And, possibly, Dr. Phil. A,
CP.
NO WORRIES---Bastard dwarf cousin of “Not a problem,” this is
cropping up with worrisome regularity, most often spoken oh-so-cheerily by (apparently) unworried females---as was the case when The Czar politely asked a
neighbor if he had parked too close to her car. Never mind that it was a
subtle hint that she had, in fact, parked too close to The Czar’s. She
smiled and said, “no worries!” But she was wrong, of course---there were,
and are, worries. Lots of 'em. The Czar recommends that the next time
someone says “no worries” to you, that you respond this way: “Really! Is it
your medication?” This will likely make them worry. T, A.
OUT OF THE BOX---God bless writers! Pity the poor slobs,
forever looking for some novel way of saying something. Thus do all manner
of unlikely words and phrases work their way into everyday print, if not
discourse---not necessarily a bad thing! But then, most of these unlikely
words are either ungainly, conversationally (chockablock, hardscrabble)
or just plain dopey. It is a form of Thesaurus-itis, really. Why, The Czar
once knew a writer who---this is true---wrote entirely without adjectives
and adverbs, but left blanks for them. And then got out his Thesaurus, and
filled them in! Anyhow, headline writers, ad execs, and commentators
are all chanting “out of the box” these days instead of “new,” which is not surprising,
considering that “used” is now “pre-owned.” The point is that out-of-the-box
is now out of the box, and while it can never be put back in the box, at
least people might stop using it as if it is out-of-the-box. And please,
please recycle those boxes. T, A.
DRINK THE KOOL-AID---This might have been glib in the first
year or two, max, at the expense of all those poor fools who drank Jim Jones’s cyanide-laced
Kool-Aid (actually it was a Kool-Aid knock-off---so to speak), and went to
the big fish fry in the sky. One assumes that prevalent employment of this
expression as a means of suggesting that someone has been co-opted,
brainwashed, etc., stems from the Jonestown mass suicide---and not the
LSD-laced "electric Kool-Aid” of the ‘60’s. But either way, the cleverness of
this expression is not Kool any more, and speakers of it are badly in need
of lingo Aid. It seems to be a staple of political speech, which is almost
an oxymoron. In other words, it seems as if all blowhard politicians
(redundant) drank the bad lingo Kool-Aid. T, A.
THAT BEING SAID---One of the most awful songs ever written was
Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson’s “Say, Say, Say,” and one of the most
awful catch-phrases ever spoken is “having said that.” The Czar thought
things could get no more insipid, no more micro-brained, than “having said
that” and its spawn of incest, “that said,” yet it has. Having said that,
“that said” is now joined by its evil triplet, “that being said.” The Unholy
Three! Say what? What’s next, “that having been said”? (Oh, don't tell me.)
Say “that being said,” and lots of other persons of crimped cranium will
think you are saying something! TeeVee Newsmannequins are frequent
that-being-said sayers, particularly local Weathermannequin Josh Rubenstein,
who slips it in between clouds and rain. What in hell is the purpose of
saying “that being said?” To let someone know that you have just spoken the
previous sentence? Okay, there is the argument that you are setting up
contrasting information. That being said, “that being said” is seldom said
to introduce any contrast. It is just filler, mortar between sentences,
manically employed on the tube in order to avoid “dead air.” But no air is
deader than air employed to say something that need not be said. And that’s
saying something. T, A, P, CP.
CHEERS---This alone should be justification for wishing e-mail
had never been invented. “Cheers”---undoubtedly a staple of the not a
problem/no worries crowd---seems to be the most predominant of all
cutesy-pie e-mail sign-offs. Here are samples, inspired by actual e-mails:
“I’m sorry, but all our positions are filled. Cheers. . .”, “I’m sorry, but
we will be unable to grant your request. Cheers. . .” “I’m sorry, but your
pardon has been denied, and you will be executed as scheduled. Cheers. . .”
Obviously, somewhere in e-prehistory, a nitwit received an e-mail from a Britwit, was smitten with “cheers,” and appropriated it, thinking this would
make him or her come across as jaunty and cosmopolitan. (The Czar finds
“cheers” especially amusing when employed by young people who cannot spell.)
Do these people imagine that by typing "cheers," they are sending along
merriment, frivolity, hijinks? Do they imagine that this might somehow take
the edge off, oh, a three-day drunk, a divorce, a funeral?
Look, every time you see “cheers,” please accept the following invitation to
write back to the sender, “go cheers yourself." Or
better yet, quote from George Harrison’s wonderful song, “Cheer Down.” I
can see by your grin/ That you're trembling within/ It's all over town,
cheer down. . .T, A.
CULTURE OF CORRUPTION---TeeVee Punditmannequins
chronically yack about a "culture of corruption" in politics, Washington
D.C., Sacramento, and The Bachelor. To which The Czar always wants to yell,
"well, at least they've got a culture!" An alternative is proposed to this
dry, hollow cliche, which has all the impact of a statement by John Kerry.
How about "rats' nest," "snakepit," or some other colorful animal metaphor?
I mean make it as stock as "culture of corruption." Pile of bat guano. .
.wolverine world. . .weasel wonderland. . .Why, the American Sheeple
might briefly rouse from their slumber if they heard, say, Jim Lehrer, refer
to Washington lobbyists---I mean senators and representatives---as a "den of dog incest," for instance. T.
BASED ON A STORY BY---Nothing has so debased literature as
“based on a story by.” Among lawyers, scriptwriters, and directors, “based
on a story by” has come to mean “this movie bears almost no resemblance
whatsoever to the story it represents itself to have been based upon.” How
did this happen? How is it that a film may be called “Cannery Row,” for
random example, and have
almost zero resemblance to the book? Answer: same way that “used” has become
“pre-owned.” Cheers. CP.
SNARKY---Writers who like to imagine themselves au courant employ all
manner of slang, and the less recognizable and more street-fresh, the better
their cache among peers. “Snarky” arose in the last five or ten years, and
to tell the truth, The Czar didn’t know what in hell it meant until he wrote
this little item. His Wordliness, you see, labors under the old-fashioned
illusion that language should be recognizable and intelligible, whenever
possible, when employed for a general audience. “Snarky” allegedly is a
corruption of “snide remark” and refers to sarcastic or cynical utterance.
You know, like this column. T, A, P, CP.
SKANK---Using words like “snarky” and “skank” is, for a writer, the
figurative equivalent of showing off a tattoo or body-piercing. There are
words that certain writers---or better to call them people who write---employ
to demonstrate their hipness, pardon a hoary adjective. Instead of saying
“creep,” or “lowbrow,” or “dissolute,” or "blogger," alternative weeklies (where most of
these people who write work) are full of “skanky” and “skank.” Here is the definition
offered by urbandictionary.com: “Derogatory term for a (usually younger)
female, implying trashiness or tackiness, lower-class status, poor hygiene,
flakiness, and a scrawny, pockmarked sort of ugliness. May also imply
promiscuity, but not necessarily. Can apply to any race, but most commonly
used to describe white trash.” Girlfriend, isn't it just lovely that humans
are endlessly thinking up new ways to cruelly categorize other humans? I’d
rather have dinner with a skank than a writer who uses the word. T, A, P,
CP.
The Czar wishes all you
secular humanists a
safe and snarky lingo day. Cheers.
BACK TO PAGE ONE |
Riposte Archive