THIS, THAT, AND THE OTHER. . .

THIS: Vice-President George W. "President" Bush opens his press conference with this: "This has been tough weeks in that country."

THAT: Yes, it have.

THIS: President Dick "Vice-President" Cheney tells Japan that "we are doing everything we can" to free the Japanese hostages.

THAT: Rough translation of "we're doing everything we can," a versatile expression employed by the Bush administration for nearly every crisis: "you're screwed."

THE OTHER: (The Japanese hostages' release was negotiated by Sunni leaders.)

THIS: Barry Bonds beats Willie Mays with his 661st home run.

THAT: All of Barry Bonds' records should have an asterisk beside them denoting "Frankenball."

THE OTHER: Mays used his natural body in an unnaturally difficult park in which to hit home runs---Candlestick. Had he played anywhere else, he would have easily surpassed Babe Ruth---probably with 800-plus homers.

THIS: Churches---okay, "religious organizations"--- now compete with secular groups for tax money---used for everything from church renovation to drug rehab. This was accomplished by a series of Bush executive orders circumventing Congress.

THAT: If the churches are getting our tax dollars, on top of all their non-profit profits, then. . .tax the churches!

THE OTHER: U.S. Grant wanted to do it. He was ahead of his time!

THIS: U.S. Iraq commander Gen. John Abizaid asks for 7,000-10,000 more troops.

THAT: That's 7,000-10,000 more targets for rocket-propelled grenades, car bombs, kidnappings--- all to police countless thousands of "insurgents."

THE OTHER: That's police, as in "police state."

THIS: Vice-President George W. "President" Bush has said many times that it is insulting and condescending to "the Iraqi people" to suggest that they are not ready for democracy.

THAT: Hey, it isn't that they're not ready for democracy---they're not ready for civilization.

THE OTHER: Mobs of young men and children joyfully burning and dismembering human beings. . .nope, just not quite exemplary of the best democratic ideals. . .

THIS: About 12,000 "sealers" are currently clubbing and stabbing to death up to 350,000 baby seals off of eastern Canada for pelts that go for $50 apiece.

THAT: I don't think those seals are ready for democracy, anyway.

THIS: Laker Kobe Bryant is criticized for ball-hogging in one game, so in the next he puts up almost no shots at all, and the Lakers lose the game---jeopardizing home-court advantage in the playoffs.

THAT: I don't think Kobe is ready for democracy, either.

THE OTHER: The Lakers lost home-court advantage when Jerry West left, and Chick Hearn died.

THIS: Tom Cruise raises a ton of dough for New York City firefighters suffering a variety of maladies from inhaling poisons released in the collapse of the WTC.

THAT: Best performance of his career, by far.

THIS: Eighty-three U.S. soldiers are slaughtered, hundreds injured, up to 800 Iraqis are slain--- reportedly including many women, children, and elderly men---and Vice-President George W. "President" Bush declares that the Iraq situation is "improving."

THAT: Um. . .Did somebody slip some beer into his non-alcoholic beer?

THE OTHER: Did somebody slip some LSD in mine?

THIS: Local KTLA Newscleavage Sharon Tay gives the following journalistic advice in the L.A. Times: "When I'm myself, viewers respond. I can show that I can be girly. I can be funny. I can be sexy. I can be honest. I can relate to them on a friend level. They can trust me."

THAT: There you have it, journalism students: confirmation that newsgathering skills, reporting, and editing have exactly nothing to do with television news.

THE OTHER: Her quote reads like a personal in the sex ads.

THIS:  "I have a lot of credibility," adds TV Newscleavage Tay, who recently appeared in sultry, partially nude poses in Razor Magazine, "because I'm real."

THAT: Yes, well, with the possible exception of her bustline, and parts of her face.

THIS: The Sunnis and Shi'ites, who like each other every bit as well as Martha Stewart likes John Ashcroft, have joined forces against the United States. They would love to impose a tyrannical theocracy in Iraq.

THAT: You know, kind of like the "Christian" Right would love to do here.

THIS: "Air America" debuts as an answer to relentlessly annoying, snide conservative radio propagandists (and is yanked from L.A. airwaves over a "business dispute.")

THAT: "Air America" is so far mostly succeeding at being just as relentlessly annoying and snide as conservative radio propagandists (Janeane Garafalo's often incisive presence excepted.)

THIS: Bob Dylan does an ad for "Victoria's Secret" lingerie.

THAT: Everybody must get stoned.

THIS: The next de facto Iraq ruler after Paul Bremer leaves or is fired is said to be U.N. Ambassador John D. Negroponte.

THAT: Mr. Negroponte, among other illustrious resume items, was in Honduras to oversee the U.S. funding of "death squads" (okay, "freedom fighters") in the early 80s---all in an attempt to overthrow the government of Nicaragua.

THE OTHER: I don't think Mr. Negroponte is ready for democracy, either.

THIS: Vice-President George W. "President" Bush said he can't really think of a single eeny-weeny mistake he's made since being elected.

THAT: Can you say "megalomania?"

THE OTHER: Of course, how can he make a mistake when he receives divine guidance?

THIS: "Air America" host Randi Rhodes is a brutish, braying, and otherwise indelicate personage who makes Rush Limbaugh look courteous.

THAT: The other day, Rhodes dropped her voice and practically salivated over an Aussie female caller from San Francisco, saying (paraphrasing) "Are you one of those big, red-headed Australian women?" Apparently sexually aroused, Ms. Rhodes went on to say something like, "I'll bet she's like one of those big prison bitches."

THE OTHER: If Ashcroft has his way, Rhodes might wind up spending a lot of time with big prison bitches.

THIS: Michael Jackson (the liberal radio host) was as informed, articulate, civilized, and a thorough an interviewer as ever to host a radio program.

THAT: No wonder he's not on Air America.

THE OTHER: No wonder he's not on radio at all.

THIS: Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia has a policy barring all TV and radio media from recording any of his speeches or personal appearances.

THAT: Now that's standing up for freedom of speech!

THIS: Last week, when Scalia appeared in a Presbyterian Church in Mississippi, a federal marshall ordered an Associated Press reporter---and a high school newspaper reporter---to erase their tapes of Scalia's remarks.

THAT: Not likely that the justice was there to speak about separation of church and state.

THE OTHER: Good thing Scalia apologized. He has much to fear from uh, high school newspaper reporters.

THIS: The Presidential Daily Briefing regarding terrorism says there were "patterns of suspicious activity in this country consistent with preparations for hijackings or other types of attacks," and that the FBI was"conducting approximately 70 full field investigations"---including one into allegations that "a group of Bin Ladin [sic] supporters was in the U.S. planning attacks with explosives."

THAT: Vice-President George W. "President" Bush said the PDB "was no indication of a terrorist threat" and "said nothing about an attack on America."

THE OTHER: By the way, Bill Clinton did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky.

THIS: TV Newscleavage Sharon Tay is hardly the only salacious, preening, bosom-thrusting presence in local TV "journalism." Jillian Barberie's navel (Fox) is an integral part of her reporting, fleshy Lauren Sanchez might as well be pole-dancing as she recites the headlines on UPN, and KCAL's Mia "Coppertone" Lee keeps abreast of, and in, the news. 

THAT: Perhaps it's time to add a sixth "w" to the journalism lede axiom: "Who, what, when, where, why. . .and whorey."

THIS: In May 2001, the Bush Administration sent $43 million in aid to Afghanistan, knowing that it was at that time controlled by the Taliban, and sheltering Osama Bin-Laden---who was to blame for the two terrorist bombings of U.S. embassies in Africa in 1998. The money was a reward for Afghanistan's part in the "war on drugs," specifically "controlling" the Afghan opium crop, according to Colin Powell.

THAT: Osama is still on the loose, and the Taliban (and equally vile "warlords") are making a comeback in Afghanistan. Oh, yeah, and opium production in Afghanistan---which Bush says the U.S. has "liberated"---is at an all-time high. (So to speak.) Afghanistan is the world's leading supplier of heroin. Guess that $43 million didn't exactly go to the "war on drugs."

THE OTHER: Just say "oh, no."

THIS: Denise "Denny" Smith, widow of the great L.A. Times columnist, Jack Smith, and a brilliant and gracious lady, passed away this week at age 83.

THAT: The Rip Post knew them both casually through a few meetings and mail, but never encountered lovelier people. Both---especially Denny---were very kind to this writer, and supportive of his work.

THE OTHER: Today's column is dedicated to Denny's memory.

                                          BACK TO PAGE ONE

© 2004 Rip Rense. All rights reserved.