by RIP RENSE
THIS, THAT, AND THE OTHER.
THIS: Vice-President George W. "President" Bush opens his press
conference with this: "This has been tough weeks in that country."
THAT: Yes, it have.
THIS: President Dick "Vice-President" Cheney tells Japan that "we
are doing everything we can" to free the Japanese hostages.
THAT: Rough translation of "we're doing everything we can," a
versatile expression employed by the Bush administration for nearly every crisis:
THE OTHER: (The Japanese hostages' release was negotiated by Sunni
THIS: Barry Bonds beats Willie Mays with his 661st home run.
THAT: All of Barry Bonds' records should have an asterisk beside them
THE OTHER: Mays used his natural body in an unnaturally difficult park in
which to hit home runs---Candlestick. Had he played anywhere else, he would have easily
surpassed Babe Ruth---probably with 800-plus homers.
GEORGE W. BUSH--- TERRORISTS' ESCORT
THIS: Churches---okay, "religious
organizations"--- now compete with secular groups for tax money---used for everything
from church renovation to drug rehab. This was accomplished by a series of Bush executive
orders circumventing Congress.
THAT: If the churches are getting our tax dollars, on top of all their
non-profit profits, then. . .tax the churches!
THE OTHER: U.S. Grant wanted to do it. He was ahead of his time!
THIS: U.S. Iraq commander Gen. John Abizaid asks for 7,000-10,000 more
THAT: That's 7,000-10,000 more targets for rocket-propelled grenades, car
bombs, kidnappings--- all to police countless thousands of "insurgents."
THE OTHER: That's police, as in "police state."
THIS: Vice-President George W. "President" Bush has said many
times that it is insulting and condescending to "the Iraqi people" to suggest
that they are not ready for democracy.
THAT: Hey, it isn't that they're not ready for democracy---they're not
ready for civilization.
THE OTHER: Mobs of young men and children joyfully burning and
dismembering human beings. . .nope, just not quite exemplary of the best democratic
ideals. . .
THIS: About 12,000 "sealers" are currently clubbing and
stabbing to death up to 350,000 baby seals off of eastern Canada for pelts that go for $50
THAT: I don't think those seals are ready for democracy, anyway.
THIS: Laker Kobe Bryant is criticized for ball-hogging in one game, so in
the next he puts up almost no shots at all, and the Lakers lose the game---jeopardizing
home-court advantage in the playoffs.
THAT: I don't think Kobe is ready for democracy, either.
THE OTHER: The Lakers lost home-court advantage when Jerry West left, and
Chick Hearn died.
THIS: Tom Cruise raises a ton of dough for New York City firefighters
suffering a variety of maladies from inhaling poisons released in the collapse of the WTC.
THAT: Best performance of his career, by far.
THIS: Eighty-three U.S. soldiers are slaughtered, hundreds injured, up to
800 Iraqis are slain--- reportedly including many women, children, and elderly men---and
Vice-President George W. "President" Bush declares that the Iraq situation is
THAT: Um. . .Did somebody slip some beer into his non-alcoholic beer?
THE OTHER: Did somebody slip some LSD in mine?
THIS: Local KTLA Newscleavage Sharon Tay gives the following
journalistic advice in the L.A. Times: "When I'm myself, viewers respond. I
can show that I can be girly. I can be funny. I can be sexy. I can be honest. I can relate
to them on a friend level. They can trust me."
THAT: There you have it, journalism students: confirmation that
newsgathering skills, reporting, and editing have exactly nothing to do with
THE OTHER: Her quote reads like a personal in
the sex ads.
THIS: "I have a lot of credibility," adds TV Newscleavage
Tay, who recently appeared in sultry, partially nude poses in Razor Magazine,
"because I'm real."
THAT: Yes, well, with the possible exception of her bustline, and parts
of her face.
THIS: The Sunnis and Shi'ites, who like each other every bit as well as
Martha Stewart likes John Ashcroft, have joined forces against the United States. They
would love to impose a tyrannical theocracy in Iraq.
THAT: You know, kind of like the "Christian" Right would love
to do here.
THIS: "Air America" debuts as an answer to relentlessly
annoying, snide conservative radio propagandists (and is yanked from L.A. airwaves over a
THAT: "Air America" is so far mostly succeeding at being just
as relentlessly annoying and snide as conservative radio propagandists (Janeane Garafalo's
often incisive presence excepted.)
THIS: Bob Dylan does an ad for "Victoria's Secret" lingerie.
THAT: Everybody must get stoned.
THIS: The next de facto Iraq ruler after Paul Bremer leaves or is fired
is said to be U.N. Ambassador John D. Negroponte.
Negroponte, among other illustrious resume items, was in Honduras to oversee the U.S.
funding of "death squads" (okay, "freedom fighters") in the early
80s---all in an attempt to overthrow the government of Nicaragua.
THE OTHER: I don't think Mr. Negroponte is ready for democracy, either.
THIS: Vice-President George W. "President" Bush said he can't
really think of a single eeny-weeny mistake he's made since being elected.
THAT: Can you say "megalomania?"
THE OTHER: Of course, how can he make a mistake when he receives divine
THIS: "Air America" host Randi Rhodes is a brutish, braying,
and otherwise indelicate personage who makes Rush Limbaugh look courteous.
THAT: The other day, Rhodes dropped her voice and practically salivated
over an Aussie female caller from San Francisco, saying (paraphrasing) "Are you one
of those big, red-headed Australian women?" Apparently sexually aroused, Ms.
Rhodes went on to say something like, "I'll bet she's like one of those big prison
THE OTHER: If Ashcroft has his way, Rhodes might wind up spending a lot
of time with big prison bitches.
THIS: Michael Jackson
(the liberal radio host) was as informed, articulate, civilized, and a thorough an
interviewer as ever to host a radio program.
THAT: No wonder he's not on Air America.
THE OTHER: No wonder he's not on radio at all.
THIS: Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia has a policy barring all TV
and radio media from recording any of his speeches or personal appearances.
THAT: Now that's standing up for freedom of speech!
THIS: Last week, when Scalia appeared in a Presbyterian Church in
Mississippi, a federal marshall ordered an Associated Press reporter---and a high
school newspaper reporter---to erase their tapes of Scalia's remarks.
THAT: Not likely that the justice was there to speak about separation of
church and state.
THE OTHER: Good thing Scalia apologized. He has much to fear from uh,
high school newspaper reporters.
THIS: The Presidential Daily Briefing regarding terrorism
says there were "patterns of suspicious activity in this country consistent with
preparations for hijackings or other types of attacks," and that the FBI
was"conducting approximately 70 full field investigations"---including one into
allegations that "a group of Bin Ladin [sic] supporters was in the U.S. planning
attacks with explosives."
THAT: Vice-President George W. "President" Bush said the PDB
"was no indication of a terrorist threat" and "said nothing about an attack
THE OTHER: By the way, Bill Clinton did not have sexual relations with
that woman, Miss Lewinsky.
THIS: TV Newscleavage Sharon Tay is hardly the only salacious, preening,
bosom-thrusting presence in local TV "journalism." Jillian Barberie's navel
(Fox) is an integral part of her reporting, fleshy Lauren Sanchez might as well be
pole-dancing as she recites the headlines on UPN, and KCAL's Mia "Coppertone"
Lee keeps abreast of, and in, the news.
THAT: Perhaps it's time to add a sixth "w" to the journalism
lede axiom: "Who, what, when, where, why. . .and whorey."
THIS: In May 2001, the Bush Administration sent $43 million in aid to
Afghanistan, knowing that it was at that time controlled by the Taliban, and
sheltering Osama Bin-Laden---who was to blame for the two terrorist bombings of U.S.
embassies in Africa in 1998. The money was a reward for Afghanistan's part in the
"war on drugs," specifically "controlling" the Afghan opium crop,
according to Colin Powell.
THAT: Osama is still on the loose, and the Taliban (and equally vile
"warlords") are making a comeback in Afghanistan. Oh, yeah, and opium production
in Afghanistan---which Bush says the U.S. has "liberated"---is at an all-time
high. (So to speak.) Afghanistan is the world's leading supplier of heroin. Guess that $43
million didn't exactly go to the "war on drugs."
THE OTHER: Just say "oh, no."
THIS: Denise "Denny" Smith, widow of the great L.A. Times
columnist, Jack Smith, and a brilliant and gracious lady, passed away this week at age 83.
THAT: The Rip Post knew them both casually through a few meetings and
mail, but never encountered lovelier people. Both---especially Denny---were very kind to
this writer, and supportive of his work.
THE OTHER: Today's column is dedicated to Denny's memory.
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