by RIP RENSE
VOTE FOR BOOOOSH!
(Oct. 29, 2004)
The following is a paid
"Hello, American Infeedels! I am Osama
bin-Laden! Your personal boooogieman! Boosh is my man! Vote for Boosh and keep the War on
Terror alive! Vote for Boosh so he will keep sending the infeedels to my homeland! Vote
for Booosh so we can recruit lots more looney keeds to go on suicide bomb missions for
Allah! Don' vote for Kerry! Don' vote for Kerry! Kerry ruin everything! World War III
party over! Kerry try to fix Iraq, calm everybody down---no goooood! Besides, he talks too
much, and bores me, and I can understand Boooosh's English! Booooosh and Cheney! Booooosh
and Cheney! Jihad! Jihad!"
"I'm George W. Bush and I approve this
The following is a paid
"I am American Azzam Al-Qaeda! But you
can call me 'Al.' See, I learn that from Paul Simon song, so you know I am real American,
even though I have very, very slight accent, like Arianna Huffington. See? I read pundits,
too! That Maureen Dowd---she slays me, but some day I will slay her and all American
infidels! I know all that goes on in America, American doggies! Boo! Boo! Are you scared?
I know about your Halloween! Treek or Treat! Tom Cruise, Britney, Boston Red Soxes! I talk
to you for 90 minutes on veedio because I want you to reelect Booooosh and Cheney! They
are my main homies, bro! They keep me in business, and I understand all about free
enterprise and chain of command, sir! Because I am American, just like you! I know all
about football and pork rinds! So re-elect Boosh and Cheney to keep me in my job. They are
good for my economy, and all Al-Qaeda employees! They create lots of new jobs for us! Get
real scared, American infidels, and vote because you are afraid of me and my cool
wraparound bandana! Boo! Have a nice day!"
"I'm Karl Rove---I mean, George W.
Bush---and I approve this message."
Step right up! Hurry, hurry---here
it is, folks, the October Surprise. They couldn't catch Bin-Laden, so the bearded old
polygamous goat crawled out of his spider hole in Tora Bora, or Bora Bora, or Pago Pago,
and made a cameo! He gallantly taped his message of support for the Bush administration. I'm
not a terrorist, but I play one on television! It was the least he could do for Jihad
and Allah and Dick Cheney! What a guy, for an evil mastermind with one kidney!
And how 'bout that menacing American Assman
(whom the FBI says might actually be a kid from Orange County named "Adam")? All
the experts say that he knows this country well, has the lay of the land and all that, so
we'd better watch out! Of course, if he really knew the USA, then why did he threaten to
"make the streets run red with blood?" That happens in South-Central L.A. or
Detroit every Saturday night. But no matter, Assman looked like a young Yassir
Arafat---what you could see, anyhow. Look out!
Yes, Osama and Assman were obviously
so worried by Kerry's poll numbers that they just couldn't stand it any longer, and had to
get involved in the political process---just like millions of patriotic Americans
volunteering at the polls; just like those wonderful people in Britain who wrote letters
to voters in Ohio (and got All-American "Dear Limey asshole" missives in
return.) Thanks, Osama! You're quite an example, risking your life and all! If Americans
were half as interested in our politics as you are, we'd have a representational democracy
here, maybe. You should phone some undecideds down in Florida!
Yes, Bin-Laden must have been biting his nails
to the quick and playing with his beard something fierce, there in his comfy mud hut
compound in the Muslim region of Northwestern China. Probably almost spat out his yak milk
during the presidential debates. After all, with Kerry in office, the whole foreign U.S.
policy emphasis will be to reduce the impetus for terrorism. Gosh, how wrongheaded can you
Why, that Kerry madman says he
wants to lower random mass murder to the level of a "nuisance," much as it has
been for our pre-9/11 lives. You know, kind of like Oprah--- she's always there, but you
can mostly ignore her. Can't have that! That would spoil Osama's groove thang. Booosh is
his enabler, for Allah's sake. They need one another. They're the Laurel and
Hardy of Armageddon, the Abbott and Costello of World War III, the Allen and Rossi of
Global Pax Americana.
Hey, George, here's another nice mess
you've gotten me into! We can't have global pax, Americano!
The Bin-Meister looked positively
aglow with inspiration in that videotape, didn't he? Taking great pride in the impact and
influence he has on American politics. I'll bet no terrorist has so swayed public opinion
in an election since Monica Lewinsky.
And even though the Prez and Bin-Laden
hadn't done their comedy routine in quite a while, Booosh never missed a beat---promptly
declaring "the American people will not be intimidated by Osama
Bin-Laden!"---really knocking 'em dead (well, metaphorically, not like those 100,000
innocent civilians in Iraq.) Yes, it's the Osama and George Show---brought to you by
Halliburton and Saudi Arabia, just in time for election sweeps!
I mean, this is one ratings-conscious terrorist
network. They have their timing down, you have to give them that. Osama and
American Assman's videos will be playing incessantly all weekend---certainly more than
Arnold's 2008 Presidential Campaign appearance in Columbus---er, that is, his
appearance in support of Bush there. You know that Arnold was there to boost the Prez,
even though he only talked about how he'll never forget Columbus, and how he did a lot of
body-building there, and once squeezed the hindquarters of some very fetching little
Columbus coffee shop waitresses. . .
Upstaged! Shwarzenegger upstaged! Now that's
terrorism of a kind he never faced in Hollywood. Leave it to Osama Bin-Laden. Allah be
praised! Vote for Boooosh!
Hey, American Assman, what are you gonna do
after you make the streets of America run red with blood?
"I'm going to Deezneeland!"
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