by RIP RENSE
BATMAN VS. BOBBLEHEAD
Sept. 13, 2005
figured it out. I know how to get us out of Iraq, how to restore
sanity to the White House (well, let’s say restore routine corruption), how
to avert another New Orleans. Even how to fight terrorism.
We need Batman. That’s
the answer. Someone with an undying, unquenchable desire to defeat cruelty,
avarice, crime. A person who experienced such injustice and tragedy in
formative years that he has become the sworn enemy of both, for life.
You know, kind of the
opposite of George W. Bush or Dick Cheney.
That’s it. Batman. It’s
the only way out.
Before you laugh this off
as puerile, consider the fiends Batman routinely opposed, and defeated. The
Riddler, The Joker, Mr. Freeze, Catwoman. All twisted, depraved, devoid of
heart, compassion---megalomaniacal monsters shaped by alienation, sculpted
by arrogance, who refined their criminality to high art.
If those images do not
bring to mind (in order) Donald “Known Unknowns” Rumsfeld, George W.
“Heh Heh” Bush, Dick “Go F--- Yourself” Cheney, and Condoleezza “Imelda”
Rice, you must not be a fan of comic books---er, politics. Hell, I think
Condi could actually play Catwoman in the next Batman flick.
And now, I give you. . .Bobblehead.
That’s his Batman
arch-criminal name. You know him better as Pat Robertson.
If you’ve never seen Pat,
well, he has the peculiar habit of almost constantly shaking his head from
side to side, or nodding up and down, as he speaks. Almost as if he’s
arguing with himself, or as if an itty-bitty devil is whispering in one ear,
and an itty-bitty angel is whispering in the other. Stick his head in the
back window of a car, and no one would know he’s human. He also looks like a
guy with bad hemorrhoids when he prays, but that's beside the point.
Batman. The only hope.
Robertson: Hemorrhoids for Jesus?
of course, is the good Christian who thinks that the 9/11 attack
was Gawdallmightee’s revenge against
gays and lesbians (okay, that was Falwell, but what's the difference?); who recently recommended killing the president of
Venezuela because he threatens to deprive us of SUV fuel. Pat generally
views storms, earthquakes, and possibly Oprah as punishment meted out by
Hay-zoos and his Pop for various reprehensible human exploits, such as
abortion and “Desperate Housewives.”
One has to wonder, of
course, why this troglodytic concept is not universally applied. Why,
for instance, does the Creator punish oodles and oodles of children around
the world with dysentery, blindness, Tuberculosis, AIDS? Why do amoral
billionaires lord over the planet, pillaging the air, water, and land in
order to make more money, and suffer nothing worse than nasty divorces and
the impending shortage of Gulf of Mexico oysters?
Ah, well, God moves in
mysterious ways his wonders to perform.
And so does Bobblehead!
Anyone who thinks Pat is
just an avuncular Jesus Boy occupying a quixotic TV niche probably also
believes that Halliburton operates for the public good.
I mean, did you know that
Bobblehead once claimed he was helping little starving African children with
swollen bellies and flies in their eyes---you know, the favored moneymaking
bait of every self-respecting millionaire Christian televangelist---when he
was really helping himself to African diamonds? Kids aren’t forever, you
see, but diamonds are!
What a wacky, fun-loving
It all happened way
back in prehistoric 1994---that’s before 9/11, friends---during the
Rwandan genocide. You know, Rwanda---another one of those funny ol’ African
“countries” where one tribe wipes out another, largely with machetes, until
the whole place is one big pile of hacked-up corpses. They do it all the
time, while the superpowers sort of spectate, the way you watch two guys
duke it out in a bar. Think of it as “bumfights” for world leaders.
Well, Bobblehead went on
the tube on his “700 Club” show, which is one of those Bible-banger programs
disguised as news and commentary, and asked that good Christians send him
some shekels so he could fly supplies into Zaire to feed and treat Rwandan
refugees. And boy, did the Jeezo bucks flow! The money went straight to
Pat’s “Operation Blessing” charitable tax-dodge---er, that is, wing---and
he dispatched a few airplanes full of goodies over Africa-way.
Except. . .he didn’t.
Well, he did, but the real purpose of the planes was to ship lots of nifty
high-tech mining equipment for an outfit called African Development Corp.
You know, you develop Africa by digging up its precious gems---that sort of
Well, bust my buttons if
the principal executive and sole shareholder of African Devilopment---er,
Development---Corp. wasn't. . .
Holy Duplicity, Batman!
Don’t believe it?
Check with the Virginia attorney general’s office, who investigated the
whole deal, I guess because Batman wasn’t available.
Now if you think that
Bobblehead was punished for this sin, or that his viewers lost faith in him,
or that the attorney general prosecuted him for fraud---or that
Gawdallmightee put a hurricane on his ass---well, oh ye of little faith.
This is America, land of the fee. Robertson took $400 grand, which was
allegedly the amount fleeced from his flock, and---no, he didn’t pay it
back---he put it back into Operation Blessing.
Essentially meaning that
he covered the diamond flights out of his own pocket, or well, that it would
look that way on the books. It’s just the old shell game, but it was enough
to mollify the Virginia A.G. folks. They must be good Christians, too.
As must be the people in
charge of FEMA!
We all know FEMA, the
human relief government outfit headed by a guy who used to run horse
shows, which recently worked so effectively to do exactly nothing for
thousands of Americans who drowned and died of thirst in Louisiana,
including lots of crippled people in rest homes, and sick people in
FEMA, you see, really
likes Bobblehead. Likes him so much that it listed Operation Blessing
right on its website, as one of the bestest places you could donate
money to, in order to help the poor hurricane victims! Yup, Pat “Diamonds
are a Christian’s Best Friend” Robertson’s charitable tax-dodge---er,
wing---was listed right behind the American Red Cross!
That’s FEMA, the
Faith-based Emergency Management Agency.
Of course, you know that
Bobblehead learned his lesson from that nasty wrist-slapping he took from
the Virgina A.G., so none of the donated money will go to ancillary purposes
like, oh, flying the last oysters out of N’awlins so Pat can have a little
fais do do.
But wait! FEMA just
removed Operation Blessing from its site, because the press got wind of the
whole deal and revealed that---well, guess who gets Operation Blessing’s
biggest charitable donations! C’mon, guess!
The Red Cross? Don’t be
silly! The Boys’ and Girls’ Clubs of America? Get real, now. Kids with big
bellies and flies in their eyes? Nope---why, it’s Bobblehead himself who is
blessed with Operation Blessing’s biggest bucks! Swear to Gawdallmightee! In
fiscal 2004, $885,000 hard-earned donated public dollars were given to the needy,
destitute, and starving folks at. . .
CBN. Pat Robertson’s
Christian Broadcasting Network!
And fire up the goddamn
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