by RIP RENSE
THIS, THAT, AND THE
OTHER. . .
(May 23, 2006)
THIS: Heather Mills McCartney separates from Beatle Paul.
THAT: I guess their marriage was just limping along, on its last
legs. But she's got a leg up on things now. As for Paul, well, I guess he's
stumped. With no prenup, he doesn’t have a leg to stand on. It’s going to
cost him an arm and a leg. Their marriage is out on a limb, at best.
THE OTHER: Shame on me.
THIS: Oprah to “write” fitness book (with Bob Greene), and signs the
biggest non-fiction book deal for it in all of human history! Over $12
million Oprah bucks!
THAT: Inside sources tell The Rip Post that there is not a single
toilet in Oprah’s home, and that while in studio, she never visits the
THE OTHER: By the way, a recent Oprah show visited whimsical, merry
Auschwitz, where, of course, countless Jews were put to death in WWII. Here
is the happy promotional billboard, near Melrose and La Cienega:
says glamour quite like a ex-death camp, does it? You go, girl! (Thanks to
THIS: The Dixie Chicks’ Natalie Maines: "I apologized for
disrespecting the office of the president . But I don’t feel that way
anymore. I don’t feel he is owed any respect whatsoever.”
THAT: Music to my ears.
THE OTHER: I respect her statement, and her musicianship, but I wish
I could respect the Dixie Chicks’ albums a little more.
THIS: Rep. Nancy Pelosi, who wrote that hideously embarrassing novel
about a woman representative in Washington, D.C., and Rep. John Conyers,
both proud Democraps, say they will not support impeachment for President
THAT: I would support impeachment of Pelosi and Conyers on that basis
alone. Of course, I would support impeachment of Pelosi on the basis of the
hilarious sex scenes in her awful novel.
THE OTHER: (Best argument against impeachment of Bush: Cheney. Throw
them both out.)
THIS: “Scooter” Libby says he never saw the New York Times article
about Ambassador Joseph Wilson with handwritten notes by Dick Cheney about
taking action against Wilson.
THAT: Gun? What gun? Oh, this gun in my hand? I don’t know how it got
there! Liquor store? What liquor store? I’ve never seen that liquor store in
my life! Blood? What blood? That blood? I must have cut myself shaving!
THIS: Fashion designer Tommy Hilfiger, whose preposterous name is to
be found stamped on the hindquarters of millions of female U.S. citizens,
beat up singer Axl Rose at The Plumm Club in NYC. It was a territorial
dispute over Rose having moved Hilfiger’s girlfriend’s drink.
THAT: Perhaps Jane Goodall studied the wrong creatures.
THIS: Attorney General Alberto “Good Mexican” Gonzalez says that
reporters can be legally prosecuted for printing leaked information.
THAT: Gonzalez, of course, says national security is at issue. In a
way, he’s right. The printing of leaked information by corporate/government
whistleblowers in a free press is absolutely vital to national security.
THE OTHER: Perhaps Jane Goodall studied the wrong creatures.
THIS: News item--- Housing prices in NYC are driving young white
people to purchase flats and brownstones in Harlem, where housing prices are
now rapidly rising.
THAT: The Harlem Shuffle. Can Watts be far behind?
THE OTHER: Incidentally, I heard Bush speaking beautiful, eloquent,
grammatically perfect English the other day. . .
THIS: Woman who puts her life on-line, 24-7, including masturbation
and confessions she would only make to a shrink, is upset about the National
Security Administration spying on citizen phone records. She considers it a
violation of her privacy.
THAT: Perhaps Jane Goodall. . .
THIS: Scientists say that the risk of asteroid Adophis slamming into
Earth in 2036 are greatly reduced---much less than had been suspected. It’s
now one chance in 24,000.
THE OTHER: Not to worry. Humanity will have pretty well ended the
party by then.
THIS: Heather Mills McCartney (beware of anyone using three
names---old Rip Post axiom) reportedly has referred to her estranged husband
to friends as a “boring old fart.”
THAT: Malice will be difficult to prove here.
THIS: News item---pigeon-brained birds can think in logarithms.
THAT: News item---apes can plan ahead.
THE OTHER: News item---Pat Robertson says God told him a tsunami’s
THIS: Brit deejay Chris Moyles does impression of “big, fat black
guy” while interviewing Halle Berry, and she is offended.
THAT: Halle Berry does impression of black woman, and The Rip Post is
THE OTHER: Why is it all right, by the way, for black comics to
lampoon whites as nerdy-speaking idiots, yet taboo for white comics to
THIS: A couple weeks ago, veteran Fox News reporter/interviewer Tony
Valdez was a guest on the John and Ken show on KFI. John and Ken are
provocateurs, I gather (AM radio is seldom on at The Rip Post), and were
raving about the immigration “issue,” and manifest destiny, when Valdez said
this: 'It's very convenient for you to do that, I say with respect,' Valdez
shot back, 'but nevertheless you took this country, you killed people in
order to take this country for yourself.'”
THAT: News item---pigeon-brained birds can think in logarithms.
THIS: Valdez seems a nice fellow, but all this stuff you keep hearing
from protesters about how “you” stole “our land,” etc., merits a little
THAT: Speaking on behalf of other evil European-Americans, I would
like to point out that none of us were here to steal anything when this
country was settled. I did not fight in the war with Mexico, and I’ve never
met anyone who has. What’s more, I not only have never stolen anything
(other than an orange when I was ten years old), and am not a landowner, but
this land does not really belong to anyone. It was here before humans were,
and very likely will be here long afterward.
THIS: Chief Justice Clarence “Pubic Hair on the Coke Can” Thomas
attended a party for Bush’s sister, Doro Bush Koch, who has written a “book”
about her father. Said Thomas to Doro: “We have to pray for your brother.
He’s in real trouble.” This from the New York Daily News.
THAT: The Rip Post is not big on prayer, but believes that Chief
Clarence has it assbackwards: it’s the country that’s in real trouble, and
needs praying for.
THIS: Bird flu reportedly makes leap to human-to-human transmission.
UN experts say 150 million could die.
THAT: Think what this could do to Oprah's new fitness book deal!
THE OTHER: Pray for Oprah!
THIS: Condoleezza Rice recently told The Independent her favorite
pieces of music. Among them: Cream’s “Sunshine of your Love” (No. 2),
Beethoven’s 7th (“quite simply the greatest symphony of all time”), Elton
John’s “Rocketman.” Ms. Rice, as is well known, also plays classical piano.
THAT: Comforting that in times like these, the Secretary of State is
granting cutesy-poo interviews about her musical faves, and really taking
some time to really enjoy her celebrity!
THE OTHER: Fiddling while the world burns.
THIS: Some of her other choices were the Mussourgsky opera, Boris
Godinov, Aretha Franklin’s “Respect,” and Cream’s “Sunshine of Your Love.”
THAT: Wonder what’s behind her “love” of Russia. Tzarina aspirations?
THE OTHER: Considering her spike heels and black S&M knee-length
boots, make that Catherine the Great aspirations. (Whinneeeee, snort,
THIS: Hillary Rodham Clinton (all three of her) has called for
cutting reliance on foreign oil fifty percent by 2025.
THAT: Or was that George W. "President" Bush?
THIS: ABC News picks Charlie Gibson as its news anchor. The SF Chron
runs a story on page one about Gibson being ABC's "answer to Katie Couric,"
who despite having no background in news, is the new CBS anchor.
THAT: News item---new species of penguin discovered.
THE OTHER: Now which one of these stories is more interesting to you?
THIS: Elton John dons a tutu to celebrate the first year anniversary
of a British musical, then a couple weeks later says "all photographers
should be shot."
THAT: Monsanto patents genetically modified pig. Britain genetically
modifies baby to be "cancer-proof" to several forms of the disease that
plague the family.
THE OTHER: You'd think that modern science could do something for
THIS: First Clownface Laura Bush says the media is "enjoying" her
husband's dive in the polls.
THAT: She must read The Rip Post.
THIS: Scarlett Johansson reveals that she refers to her breasts as
THAT: Frankly, Scarlett, I don't give a damn.
THIS: Pamela Anderson, who rose to fame because of a pirated porn
video of her and "rocker Tommy Lee," as he is invariably called, says that
vegetarians have better orgasms.
THAT: Donald Rumsfeld wants to spend $65 billion more on Iraq.
THE OTHER: Perhaps Jane Goodall. . .
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