THIS, THAT, AND THE OTHER
(5/3/06)

THIS: Mexican president Vicente Fox legalizes cocaine, heroin, pot, LSD, PCP, opium, synthetic opiates, mescaline, peyote, psilocybin mushrooms, amphetamines, methamphetamines. 

THAT: I get it. He and Bush are doing a swap. We get their working class and they get our middle class.

THE OTHER: Synthetic opiates? Great news for Rush Limbaugh!

THIS: Barry Bonds hits his 712th steroid-enhanced home run, closing in on Babe Ruth.

THAT: Babe did it all with hot dogs, beer, and cigars.

THE OTHER: Barry has a great future in the Mexican Leagues.

THIS: Mexican president Vicente Fox changes his mind, and refuses to sign bill legalizing drugs.

THAT: He did, however, sign legislation to stop the pink alien monkeys from singing in his bathtub.

THE OTHER: And you wonder why they call it. . .dope.

THIS: Countless thousands---millions---of immigrant protestors, illegal and otherwise, take to the streets of U.S. cities May 1 to demonstrate what the country would be like without them.

THAT: Good, effective device.

THE OTHER: An equally valid exercise would be for all of them to leave this country for a day to see what life would be like without it.

THIS: News item---17 pounds of opium found in bottles of “Clinic Clear Daily Care Anti-Dandruff Shampoo.”

THAT: Vicente Fox’s favorite!

THE OTHER: Opiate of the tresses.

THIS: Kobe Bryant is nearly decapitated by Raja Bell in game four of the NBA playoffs. Bell is ejected from the game. He should have been arrested.

THAT: Bryant later mumbled to a ref after Kwame Brown was Abu Ghraibed by three or four Suns, and was ejected.

THE OTHER: This is why I don’t watch pro basketball anymore.

THIS: Joe Biden wants to divide Iraq into three states---you know, like his hair.

THAT: One state for the Sunnis, one for the Shiites, one for the Kurds.

THE OTHER: Need one more for the continuing state of madness. . .

THIS: The first noticeable change on the west side of the city on May 1 was that it was very, very, very. . .quiet.

THAT: No buzzing lawnmowers, leaf-blowers. Traffic noise was like a Sunday morning. In Des Moines.

THE OTHER: I could get used to this.

THIS: MSNBC poll says 94 percent of the public think “President” Bush “misled” (ha!) the American public about the reasons for the Iraq war. His “popularity” rating is lately around 33 percent.

THAT: Why is it that the downtowns of every city in the country are not jammed with protestors demanding removal of this lying administration every weekend? 300,000 anti-war protestors in NYC barely got any coverage from our courageous mainstream media last week.

THAT: Maybe that explains it.

THIS: FDA says that marijuana has no medical benefits whatsoever.

THAT: Wonder how the people staving off glaucoma with legally prescribed pot feel about that. Wonder how many cancer patients using pot to stop chemotherapy nausea feel about that.

THE OTHER: The FDA has no medical benefits whatsoever.

THIS: Neil Young puts out a courageous, intelligent anti-Bush administration album. Pink records a pretty good song knocking Bush. Pearl Jam comes out with an anti-Bush album. Springsteen goes to New Orleans and dedicates a song to “President Bystander.”

THAT: Madonna puts on a concert and urges the audience to “just go to Texas and suck George Bush’s d---.”

THE OTHER: You first, Madonna.

THIS: CIA agent Valerie Plame was following the nuclear weapons program in Iran when Karl “The Pig” Rove and President Dick “Vice-President” Cheney decided to expose her---in retaliation for former U.S. Ambassador Joseph Wilson’s probing of the administration’s false claim that Iraq was seeking plutonium in Africa.

THAT: Er, um. . .exposing a CIA agent? Who was working to protect the country---and the world? Who was keeping tabs on the Iran nuke program---which we are now threatening to bomb, possibly with our own nuclear weapons?

THE OTHER: High treason, anybody? Or low comedy. . .

THIS: Add immigration strikes to my favorite times to be in Los Angeles.

THAT: I love 'em! They are right up there with three-day weekends, when all the RV jackasses leave town, and Jewish holidays, when the freeways are a dream.

THIS: Ahmad Chalabi duped the U.S. into thinking the Iraq invasion would be a cakewalk, in order that he could further dupe the U.S. into making him Iraq president, and was at one time wanted for murder, embezzlement, and jaywalking, by the U.S. military.

THAT: No wonder the Bush Administration is working with him again.

THE OTHER: They're Ahmad about the boy. . .

THIS: News item---Keith Richards falls out of coconut tree in Fiji and suffers concussion.

THAT: News item---Giant squid invade northern California

THE OTHER: News item---Bush says, "We believe this is a turning point for the Iraqi citizens, and it's a new chapter in our partnership.”

THIS: Molly Ivins, Robert Fisk and other major columnists are coming out and saying that criticizing Israel, its policies and influence in the U.S. government through AIPAC---the innocuously named Israel Public Affairs Committee---is hardly tantamount to anti-Semitism.

THAT: Mazeltov!

THE OTHER: Expect Alan Dershowitz to denounce them as anti-Semites any time now.

THIS: Madonna invites audience to “just go to Texas and suck George Bush’s d---“

THAT: News item: “Ancient Patagonian Rodent Provides Clues to Evolution of Social Behavior.”

THE OTHER: Maybe she meant the vice-president.

THIS: Speaking of which, President “Vice-President” Dick Cheney keeps a chemical-biological protection suit with him at all times, according to a new report in Vanity Fair.

THAT: He also varies his route whenever he drives. “Yeah,” says Dick, “we take different routes so that ‘The Jackal’ can’t get me.”

THE OTHER: “The Jackal” obviously being coded language for Madonna.

THIS: The great Willie Mays has turned 75 years old. "I'm not a birthday guy," Mays said. "I like simple things. Get a cake and get it over with and go on to the next one, hopefully."

THAT: I believe the sun came up in the west this morning.

THIS: “I know Dick Cheney's Secret Service guys smoke pot. The reason I know that is I sold them bongs.” ---Tommy Chong.

THAT: Cheney shoots pal in face on quail hunt.

THE OTHER: Contact high?

THIS: Fox News item--- "During Hu's remarks, a protester began screaming and was led away by security. The woman was a credentialed member of the media and member of the Falun Gong. In Chinese, the woman said: 'Bush, stop him from persecuting' Falun Gong and, 'Mr. Hu, your days are numbered.'

THAT: “The woman” who shouted at Chinese President Hu Jintao at the White House is Dr. Wenyi Wang, a pathologist. The reason for her protest was the widespread claim---backed up by doctor and patient witnesses---that China is kidnapping Falun Gong members and “harvesting” their organs while they are alive in a massive, macabre transplant scandal. (This is standard practice, by the way, for Chinese prisoners.)

THE OTHER: Funny how the mainstream media in this country doesn’t seem to cover this stuff. Oh, that wacky cult. . .

THIS: Dr. Wang faces six months in prison on federal charges of threatening an official for her words to Hu, “your days are numbered.” Bush apologized to Hu for the verbal assault.

THAT: Falun Gong, by the way, advocates such subversive things as meditation, exercise, compassion, and ethical living.

THE OTHER: No wonder China is afraid of these people. No wonder Bush apologized. (Here’s a little more about how China does things, for those with strong stomachs.)

THIS: Tom Cruise brings forth into our world a little girl whom we hope does not in any way emulate her father.

THAT: News item: “Ancient Patagonian Rodent Provides Clues to Evolution of Social Behavior.”

THIS: New White House spokesliar Tony Snow has remarked that there is no racism problem in the United States.

THAT: That statement is as white as. . .

THIS: Tuned in a Dodger game the other night and saw all those guys with no names on the backs of their uniforms.

THAT: And when I heard the names of the players, I'd never heard of most of them, anyway.

THE OTHER: Only Dodgers left in the park are Vin Scully and Fernando Valenzuela. And Manny Mota, if he's still around.

THIS: All those news reports about Tom Cruise and his wife planning to eat the placenta following his daughter’s birth were just absurd.

THAT: It was the baby that Cruise was thinking about eating.

THIS: News item---South Carolina wants to make possession of sex toys a felony, punishable by five years in prison and a $10,000 fine.

THAT: Oooooo. Sounds kinky.

THE OTHER: Bill Clinton had better leave his cigars at home.

THIS: News item: “Writer Spends Week in Zoo Cage.”

THAT: You peeked! 

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