by RIP RENSE
relationship with Christ. . .
(Aug. 4, 2004)
I was shooting the breeze with my friend,
Jesus H. Christ, the other day. He has a hell of time, Jesus, given the remarkable
similarity between his name and that of the man regarded by many as The Lord and Savior.
Jesus H. likes to call himself "The Lard
"People often prostrate
themselves before me," said Jesus H., "and try to kiss my feet. I tell them they
need an immediate prostrate examination. Har."
We sat in the patio of a Coffee Bean in East
L.A., watching the merry SUV's prance by, trailing plumes of burned R.J. Reynolds product
and spent fossil fuel. Jesus H. wore jeans and a black T-shirt with white letters
curiously spelling out the words, "NO ONE" on the front.
"What's with the shirt, Christ?" I
"Well, no one knows. No one has the
answers. No one is right. Everybody is so damn sure they are right, and that's the whole
problem. And everybody thinks they're somebody, like the big camera is on them, and
they're starring in their own movie.We're all one big no one living in a big
"You sound like John Lennon."
"You must get razzed about that
name," I said.
"It can be quite a cross to bear," said
Christ, with a wink. "In school, everybody wanted me on their team, you know, even
though I was mediocre at sports. 'The team with Jesus is the team that wins'---that sort
of thing. Every time I've ever been in a swimming pool, well, you can imagine. It gets old
"Well, have you read the 'Left Behind' crap? Jesus Christ comes back and
slaughters the non-believers. All the nice people in the world who happen to be
Buddhists or Hindus or Jews---Jesus wastes their asses! They explode in pustules and bile,
and die um, Biblical deaths. That ain't my savior, bro."
I wondered how women tolerate it.
"No sense of humor," he said.
"You know, in a tender moment, I like to sing 'Yes, Jesus Loves You,' but they don't
seem to appreciate it."
I asked Christ about people bothering him in church,
but he said he only goes at Christmas, where he gets the usual "happy
birthday---nudge, wink." It's been many years, though, since he listed himself in a
"Heal my uvula! Can you do something
for bunions? If you're the son of God, why the hell do they call you the son of Man?
The calls never ended. Women used to speak in low tones and ask if I was 'risen.' I
remember one guy, a drunk, who said he couldn't believe in me anymore."
"What did you tell him?"
"I said I have trouble believing
in me, too. He made some confused, grunting noise, and hung up. And then this guy named
George kept calling, asking me to help him kick booze. I told him I really wasn't that
Jesus, but he kept calling and calling, so finally I said, "Okay, yeah, right, I'm
Jesus Christ, and you're President of the United States! I often wonder. . ."
I asked about the current wave of so-called
"It's not Christianity," he said,
sipping a decaf iced blended mocha through a straw ("don't know why I order
decaf---the damn chocolate keeps me up, anyway.")
"What is it, then?"
Christianinsanity. It has as much to do with the teachings of Jesus as chocolate
has to do with mud. It's just an ugly reaction to the salacious aspects of popular culture
that took root in the last thirty years, as well as the sometimes runaway humanitarian
impulses of the left. You know, political correctness and such. White middle-America grew
tired of being villified and ignored."
I told Jesus H. that this is easy to see.
"Yes," he said, with a wink,
"it's no revelation! But it's gotten all out of hand, with the White House and
congress invoking Biblical scripture. You know, using code lingo for the pseudo-Christian
crowd out there. And remember that prisoners at Abu Ghraib were forced to renounce Allah
for Jesus, presumably after they were made to eat their lunch from a
This reminded me of a statement by Robert
Reich, secretary of Labor during the Clinton years. He said that the great battle of the
21st century will not be with terrorists, but "between those who believe in science,
reason and logic and those who believe that truth is revealed through scripture and
"Yeah, he nailed it! Heh, heh, couldn't
resist. It's the new Dark Ages, Rense, the Scopes Trial all over again. Science Vs.
Superstition Smackdown! And Christianinsanity has not come near peaking yet. It's a
massive retreat into fairy tale in the face of fear. He is risen? No, He is Reason. That's
"You mean you're. . .you're. . an
ATHEIST? With a name like that?"
"What do you think the 'H' stands
"Uh. . .Heretic?"
"Hellifiknow. I believe in what I
don't know. People with 'faith' think they know what they don't know. It's so arrogant,
presumptuous. They often kill over it. Does it make me an atheist because I don't believe
in any of the available myths from various religions? Except as nice metaphors?"
"Well, what is your religion, then?"
"That's my business," said Jesus,
looking a little cross.
"Religion isn't a business, J.C.."
"The hell it isn't! It's big business in
the USA, tax-free, and all gummed up with government. First you have the 'faith-based
charity' ploy, part of the 'Christianization' of previously secular social programs. So
you brainwash the prison population, and the poor---much as the Islamic fundamentalists
seek to do the world over---converting them to their crazed interpretation of the
"Wait a second, Christ. You're
comparing Christians who seek to 'spread the gospel' with Islamic fundamentalists?"
"Well, have you read the 'Left Behind'
crap? Jesus Christ is a warrior who comes back and slaughters the
non-believers. That's correct, all the nice people in the world who happen to be Buddhists
or Hindus or Jews---Jesus wastes their asses! They explode in pustules and bile, and die
um, Biblical deaths. That ain't my savior, bro."
I told him that most churches don't subscribe
to this lunacy.
"Maybe, but too many so-called churches in
this country, too damn many of 'em, are fronts for arch right-wingers, like that D. James
Kennedy jackass in Florida. He calls for Christianity, or his stupid view of it, to be the
very foundation of all media and government. He says voting is a
Biblically-endorsed duty! What a nutball. What a punk. He goes on the tube every Sunday
morning, coast-to-coast, tweeting like a sanctimonious cuckoo-bird."
"Oh, what's a little Biblical scripture in
the hallway of a government building?"
"Tell you what," said Christ,
lighting up a Lucky Strike, "when you have a couple of hours, go to the
library and look at the history of nations where religion became officially mixed up with
government. Look under 'death.' What is the difference between what D. James Kennedy wants
and what the Taliban want? The Taliban want a government run by Koran-stitution. Kennedy
and all the Christianinsane want one run by Chist-itution. And how come all these TV Jeezo
bastards all look like Howdy-Doody after he died, anyway?"
Jesus H. Christ gulped the dregs of his mocha,
wiped his beard, adjusted his sandals, and looked me right between the eyes.
"Don't go printing any of this, goddamn
it," he said, "Or they'll crucify me."
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