by RIP RENSE
THAT, AND THE OTHER
(May 8, 2004)
THIS: Donald Rumsfeld says the torture of Iraqi men and women in Saddam's
own former torture chambers by U.S. soldiers---under apparent control of U.S.
"private security" firms functioning free of U.S. law---is
THAT: Not any more.
THIS: Rumsfeld, in a long-delayed and profuse apology for the torture,
told the world to "judge us by our actions."
THAT: Er, probably not such a good idea, Mr. Secretary.
THIS: Former U.S. Army sergeant and former "interrogation
instructor" Tony Robinson told Fox interviewers that the torture of Iraqis---which
included being urinated upon, hooked up to wires and threatened with electrocution, being
stripped naked and raped with objects---is just "frat-hazing."
THAT: What the hell frat did he belong to?
THE OTHER: Sigma Delta Fry. Kappa Strippa Weewee.
THIS: Rush Limbaugh, which I think is some sort of sandwich spread, said
that the torture was nothing more than good ol' American boys and girls trying to
"blow some steam off."
THAT: Wonder what Rush does for fun. . .
THIS: Yes, torture is old hat. Yes, torture occurs in every war. Yes, the
United States, under the cover of the CIA, has engaged in torture for decades, along with
most other countries on the planet. Yes, the Baathist soldiers would have done the
same---certainly much worse---to westerners, given the chance.
THAT: The problem is, you see, that uh, we uh, went to
Iraq for the specific purpose of um, stopping Saddam from---what was that word
that President Bush used incessantly--- torturing? Didn't Bush depict Saddam as
the worst tyrant since Hitler because he "gassed his own people" (using weapons
purchased from Uncle Sam and Great Britain) and kidnapped and tortured his own citizens,
and built "rape rooms?"
THE OTHER: Suppose the torture scandal just might undercut U.S.
credibility a bit?
THIS: Many newspaper editorials and many members of Congress are calling
for Rumsfeld's dismissal.
THAT: I'm baffled. Doesn't the responsibility lie in the Oval Office?
THE OTHER: And the vice-Oval Office?
THIS: There have only been a few mentions to date that women at Abu
Ghraib Prison were stripped and abused. Some press accounts include allegations of rape.
THAT: If any of this turns out to be the case, I wonder if Rush and
former Army Sgt. Tony Robinson will dismiss this as "hazing" and "blowing
THIS: President Bush is now referring to the perpetrators of abuse in Abu
Ghraib Prison as "the wrongdoers."
THAT: So now he is fighting both the "evildoers" and the
THE OTHER: At least he no longer has to fight the Dewar's.
THIS: Items: Oil prices highest since 1990. . .Record income at Chevron-Texaco.
THAT: My olfactory sensors detect the presence of a creature with long
snout, tail, and whiskers.
THIS: Item: Saddam's former generals are being put in charge of Iraq
militias to keep the peace.
THAT: Why stop there? Attention, President Bush: there's a hairy, crazy
guy recently extracted from a "spider hole" who could whip that country into
shape in a quick hurry. Probably work for nothing, too.
THIS: Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz, who I think is in that new
"Van Helsing" movie, testified before Congress last week about U.S. deaths in
Iraq: "It's approximately 500, of which---I can get the exact numbers---approximately
350 are combat deaths."
THAT: Well, gee whiz, Wolfie, it was actually 726, with 524 combat deaths
(not including U.S. civilian deaths.) But who's counting? Death is just the cost of war,
right? What's a couple hundred more American kids, eh?
THE OTHER: Sure is a relief to know that the Deputy Defense Secretary
"can get the exact numbers" if he wants to. Phew!
THIS: As Rumsfeld testified before Congress, tendering his
"deepest" apologies for the Iraq mess, a group of protestors in the gallery
began to shout things like "Fire Rumsfeld!" and "Tell Us The Truth."
The Defense Secretary paused for a minute while police escorted the protestors out.
THAT: The NPR "reporter" on hand did not report what the
protestors shouted, how many they were---nothing. Just a brief mention of "protesters
in the gallery," and then the "reporter" remained mute while the police
escorted them out---as if the whole disruption was too rude to report!
THE OTHER: Fire that idiot.
THIS: Paul Bremer, the U.S. "administrator" of Iraq, said this
about the Bush Administration's terrorism policy on Feb. 26, 2001: "What they will do
is stagger along until there's a major incident and then suddenly say, 'Oh my God,
shouldn't we be organized to deal with this?'"
THAT: After this comment was picked up by the press last week, Bremer
apologized for having said it.
THE OTHER: Now there's a man with the courage of his convictions!
THIS: Speaking of courage, how 'bout that Michael "Mickey"
Eisner stopping Miramax from distributing Michael Moore's Bush expose, "Farenheit
911," out of fear that he would lose millions of bucks in tax breaks in Florida if he
made Jebbie Bush angry.
THAT: Maybe if Moore stuck a couple of manic animated characters in his
movie, making vile jokes about defecation and gas and sex (with celebrity voices, of
course), Eisner might have gone for it.
THE OTHER: Nothing scary about that Bush family, is there. . .
THIS: The new pink or green pastel neckties (usually worn with yellow or
blue pastel shirts.)
THAT: My idea of torture.
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