NIGGER
(Nov. 25, 2006)

          The USofA is reacting as though Michael Richards’ cuckoo shrieking in a nightclub is a meltdown in civil rights, not a man’s career. The ‘net has “nigger” bloggorhea, the mainstream media is tiptoeing through the “nigger” aftermath with careful solemnity, Al Sharpton is sanctimoniously refusing to accept Richards’ apology.
          Wonder how often old Al says “nigger.”
          I haven’t yet read that Richards is a Bush or Mossad plant to distract from the trifling Middle East troubles, but that doesn’t mean it hasn’t been written.
          You know, Kramer never did anything this remotely zany on “Seinfeld.” What an episode it would have made. Kramer triggers race war! Gi-gi-gi-Giddyup! But then, as Larry David all too keenly understands, we are already living in a “Seinfeld” episode. We are all in a show about nothing.
          Still, it’s a scheme you could file right next to Kramer putting “levels” in his apartment, isn’t it? Or driving across statelines to recoup bottle deposits---make “nigger” part of daily language.
          “Jerry, I’m gonna make NIGGER an ordinary word!”
          “Nigger? You can’t make ‘nigger’ an ordinary word, Kramer. People hate that word. It’s racist, it’s hateful---“
          “When I’m through, you’ll be saying ‘nigger’ in restaurants and laundromats. ‘Good evening, my good nigger. . .Oh, excuse me, nigger. . .Are these seats saved, nigger?’ You’ll be calling your mom ‘nigger.’ Your rabbi! The president will start his speeches with ‘my fellow niggers’. . .”
          “Kramer, that’s crazy, someone’ll kill you if---“
          “Nigger, Jerry! It’s the key to peace among the races. We shall overcome. We’re all niggers, don’t you see?”
          (Enter Elaine.)
          “How are you, my good lady nigger?”
          “What?”
          I think there might be something in this, really. Take the hoodoo out of the word, and make it a generic reference. Legislate it. Hey, they've legislated crazier stuff lately. “Baseball player?” “Baseball nigger.” Supermarket checker? “Supermarket nigger.” U.S. Senator? “U.S. Senate Nigger.”
          Okay, right, that’s too general to work. How about just exchanging it for “man” in various occupational terminology? City councilnigger. Aldernigger. Los Angeles Times staff nigger. TV News Anchornigger. Chairnigger. Or Madame Chairnigger, depending on the sex. By the way, I hate “firefighter” and “police officer” since they p.c.’d “man” out of the titles. Make it all uniform. Firenigger. Policenigger.
          You know, black America was on to this a long time ago---at least the younger segment. The house of rap and hiphop is built on “nigger.” The group, N.W.A.? “Niggaz With Attitude.” I walk past University High School all the time and hear students merrily greeting one another as “my nigger.” The problem is that these young blacks don’t like non-blacks saying the word. Well, most of them, anyhow. I have heard college kids, black and white, referring to one another as “nigger.” Purely with affection.
          This is the right track. One of the nicer compliments I have ever received was being referred to as a “white nigger” by the African-American a cappella group, The Persuasions, with whom I worked for several years. “White boy” would have pissed me off, but “white nigger” connoted a degree of affection.
          That’s it. If we can’t use it in official titles, make it a term of endearment. Aren’t you sick of hearing “darling” and “honey?” The Honey People have taken over the world, haven’t they, Honey? Think of the valentines. “For my dear Nigger, with all my love.” “Roses are red, violets are blue, you are my Nigger, and I love you.” “Nigger" is a many-splendored thing.
          "Nigger" could be the new “dude.” Which, of course, opens its grammatical possibilities. You hear “dude” used as a greeting, an exclamation of surprise or approval, a question, an expression of anger---you name it. “Dude. Dude! Dude? Duuude!” Why not “Nigger. Nigger! Nigger? Niggerrrr!” And seeing as it has already been used as the name of rap groups, why not sports? The The L.A. Niggers? How about. . .cities? Nigger, North Dakota.
          The problem, I guess, is that many blacks and sane whites understand the history behind the word, and how demeaning it is, or used to be. At least Bill Cosby does, but his efforts to discourage young blacks from using the word have only elicited scorn from the “black community.” Cosby, like many, is baffled that after having been historically oppressed, demeaned, and um, murdered by whites, young blacks should now demean and oppress themselves by using “nigger.”
          But give it up, Bill. People just love this word. If enough start using it, pretty soon it will lose all its hoodoo. How To Stop Worrying And Love “Nigger.” Why, the U.S. military will have to stop calling Arabs “sand-niggers,” because it will have no more sting, and racist whites will have to abandon the slur altogether. Think how befuddled they will be!
          Let “nigger” break out. Let my “nigger” go! Nigger nigger nigger!
          Which brings me back to Richards.
          I grew up in the same town as Mike---Thousand Oaks. He was about four years ahead of me, and I didn’t know him. He was not mah nigguh. There were no blacks in T.O. at that time, and precious few non-Caucasoidals. Just scattered latinos, Asians, and Jews. I remember little kids calling one another “nigger” on the playground, though they did not understand the history of the expression---having obviously picked it up from their racist parents. One white kid with wiry black hair was dubbed "Niggy" by both friends and teachers(!) And yet, I didn’t encounter racial hatred in T.O.. Most of the parents I knew were social liberals who were rooting for Martin Luther King.
          Which brings up the crux of the “nigger” issue. There is a difference between racial hatred and racism. Everyone is a racist. No exceptions. Everyone, at least privately, generalizes according to race and ethnicity. Even Oprah. It’s natural. It’s when racial generalization gets all gummed up with oh, the desire to commit say,  genocide, that problems arise.
          Is Richards full of racial hatred, or was he just spouting a racist word in a failed effort at being outrageous, or was it an outburst of anger, frustration, insanity? Hell, if I was stuck on stage at “The Laugh Factory” after “Seinfeld,” I might be yelling “nigger,” too. And you know what? I don’t care. If black comics can derisively label me a “white boy,” I don’t give a rat’s ass if Richards calls someone a “nigger.” That guy gives me so many laughs in “Seinfeld” reruns---what unites people more in this sorry world than laughter?---that I’m quite willing to forgive him.
          Unlike Al Sharpton and a whole lot of pompous. . .uh. . .
          Naughty people.
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