THIS, THAT, AND THE OTHER. . .
(May 25, 2005)

THIS: Jay Leno testifies at the Michael Jackson trial.

THAT: He could have offered expert testimony on the advantages of having a real chin.

THIS: First “Lady” Laura Bush, she who made jokes about her husband having sex with a horse, visited Jerusalem and declared that Middle East peace will be attained by “baby steps.”

THAT: Next up for Middle East visits: The Church Lady, Martha Stewart, and Romper Room’s “Miss Mary.”

THIS: Dodgers now have a solid grip on third place, with their eyes set for fourth.

THAT: Couldn’t happen to a nicer owner than Frank McCourt.

THIS: McCourt eliminated a lot of Dodger Stadium foul zone by putting in tons of fantastically expensive seats ($40,000 a year, in some cases), some of which have. . .no view of the batters! He has added hideous video displays ringing the stadium, cheesey flashing lights for home runs, and lots of deafening vile corporate rock music in place of Nancy Bea Heffley’s organ, vastly increased prices for parking, Dodger Dogs. . .

THE OTHER: You could say he’s made the entire park a foul zone.

THIS: A page one L.A. Times story announced that “city and county officials” approved yet another insane spate of massive development downtown: high rise towers, shopping centers, entertainment venues---all clustered near Disney Hall.

THAT: It was fully ten paragraphs in, on the jump, before the article revealed who the officials were: some strange thing called a “city and county joint powers authority made up of top officials.” Officials. . .made up of officials. Good reporting!

THE OTHER: Ten paragraphs? Still, that’s earlier than most L.A. Times stories answer questions raised in the lead.

THIS: Jay Leno testifies at the Michael Jackson trial.

THAT: Tens of thousands of children around the world drop dead from AIDS, disease, starvation.

THE OTHER: Guess which one gets covered by TeeVee Newsmannequins. . .

THIS: Eli Broad lurks behind that new downtown L.A. development deal, now being rubber stamped by the likes of Super-Wazir Gloria Molina and Mayor-erect Little Anthony Villaraigosa..

THAT: Broad said that the development will stop L.A. from being a “divided city, a divided county.”

THE OTHER: Yes, Eli, a whole lot of ritzy new skyscrapers and a small park near city hall will immediately cause mass integration, city-wide. White-flight will reverse, south-central will become the new de riguer neighborhood, and everyone will live in harmony forever.

THIS: Well, at least the new development will help hide Disney Hall.

THAT: Which reminds me, didn’t L.A. Philharmonic CEO Deborah “Lucretia” Borda say that cockeyed Disney Hall---we call it Dizzy Hell at The Rip Post---would become L.A.’s “living room?”

THE OTHER: Wonder how many folks from Boyle Heights and Jefferson Park have been doing any living inside Dizzy lately. . .

THIS: A San Francisco law student, Brij Dhir, sued Lost Coast Brewery for making a beer called Indica India Pale ale, which featured the Hindu god Ganesh (who has an elephant’s head) holding Indicas in his hands and trunk.

THAT: The brewery discontinued the brand, but Dhir wants them to pay very Dhirly---$25,000 for his own indignation and up to $1 billion for trauma to Hindus worldwide.

THE OTHER: Imagine there’s no countries/ it isn’t hard to do/ nothin’ to kill or die for/ and no religion too. . .

THIS: A bicyclist once cut directly in front of Riposte on a dark, empty street at 11 p.m., nearly buying a one-way ticket to Nirvana. Riposte admonished the bicyclist thusly: “Please be careful. I almost killed you.”

THAT: The cyclist, a young man in the vicinity of UCLA, responded, and this is the truth:  “I don’t have to listen to YOU. I go to LAW SCHOOL!”

THE OTHER: Imagine there are no attorneys/ it isn’t hard to do. . .

THIS: Tuned in TeeVee News on the morning after the mayor’s race to find out Little Anthony’s margin of victory over Mayor Yawn.

THAT: Switched between 2, 4, 7, and the half-nude female lunatics on Fox, and it was fully 35 minutes before a single word was uttered about the election.

THE OTHER: TeeVee Newsmannequins were covering more important matters, like American Idol, Michael Jackson, anti-cellulite massages, Star Wars, how many “mil” such-and-such movie made. . .

THIS: Paris Hilton, the latest blonde Vaginal-American to capture the fancy of media, makes a commercial in which she cavorts nearly naked with a hamburger the size of Shaquille O’Neal’s ego.

THAT: The burger is a series of folded crevices hiding a gooey, drippy, runny, juicy tomato-red center.

THE OTHER: You know, just like Paris.

THIS: This commercial, the Los Angeles Times soberly reported in its business section, is geared toward the “target demographic” of 18-to-34-year-old men.

THE OTHER: No!

THIS: The inside of Mayor-erect Little Anthony Villaraigosa’s head must look like Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride. Cover of Newsweek, talk of being a vice-presidential prospect---it’s enough to make a humble man quite deluded.

THAT: And Little Anthony is not a particularly humble man.

THE OTHER: How is it that getting 260,721 votes out of 3,694,820 possible voters suddenly catapults someone to vice-presidential candidate status?

THIS: Still, it is good to have a mayor who actually walks and talks.

THAT: Little Anthony promptly denounced the vigilantes “defending” the U.S./Mexico border---not long after “Governor” Schwarzenegger incredibly endorsed them.

THE OTHER: That’s more opinion that Mayor Yawn expressed in his entire term.

THIS: Demographics, incidentally, is the science of figuring out what the public wants---so say demographers.

THAT: It is actually the business of figuring out what the greatest number of people will respond to. So says The Rip Post.

THE OTHER: It takes “science” to figure out that 18-34-year-old “men” will look at Paris Hilton?

THIS: Jay Leno testifies at the Michael Jackson trial.

THAT: And the judge said that Larry King was irrelevant?

THIS: “President” Bush opposes stem-cell research, despite breakthroughs by Korean scientists that not only apparently cure a type of diabetes, but hold promise for myriad other diseases.

THAT: Jesus Christ.

THIS: Korean scientists harvested stem cells from cloned embryos, which Bush opposes as a violation of the sanctity of life.

THAT: Guess that means he recognizes cloned humans as viable human beings.

THE OTHER: Wonder why he didn’t think that the “collateral damage” deaths of 100,000 innocent Iraqis at the hands of “the coalition” were not a violation of the sanctity of life.

THIS: Demographics accounts for the “dumbing down” of popular culture---attempting to always find the largest common denominator response mechanism, and pander to it for a buck.

THAT: The L.A. Times recently added a demographics desk to help decide content.

THE OTHER: Stop the presses.

THIS: One of the “detainees” at the USA’s prison camp in Guantanamo is a Afghan chicken farmer.

THAT: Think of the thousands of chickens who can sleep peacefully at night thanks to the “war on terror.”

THIS: Christopher Reeve’s widow was on ABC Sunday morning touting stem-cell research.

THAT: She was rebutted by Billy Graham’s daughter, who called stem-cell research “thumbing your nose at God.”

THE OTHER: What of thumbing your nose at born, living humans suffering from hideous diseases?

THIS: Newsweek put Little Anthony on its cover with the asinine headline, "Latino Power."

THAT: Little Anthony would not have been elected were it not for white and black voters disillusioned with Mayor Yawn. What's more, he calls himself a mayor who "happens to be latino."

THE OTHER: How is that "Latino Power?"

THIS: The CIA has been cozying up to Sudan’s intelligence chief, General Salah Abdallah Gosh, flying him to Washington for who-knows-what kind of dastardly behind-the-scenes plotting with the Bush administration.

THAT: For those who do not know General Gosh, he is an orchestrator of mass murder, torture, imprisonment, and mass rape in western Sudan.

THE OTHER: Gosh!

THIS: Good that the U.S. has found a new murderous lunatic to befriend, now that Saddam is lounging around in boxer shorts in a U.S. country club somewhere.

THAT: Gee, you don’t suppose there is any oil in Sudan, do you?

THIS: Jay Leno testifies in the Michael Jackson trial.

THAT: The L.A. Times headline read: “Jay Leno Brings Levity Into Court.”

THE OTHER: Good that there is room for comedy in a child molestation trial.

THIS: Thurl Ravenscroft, the voice of Tony the Tiger, various Disneyland rides (including the “yo-ho’s” in “Pirates of the Caribbean”), the bizarre Laguna Pagaent of the Masters, the Grinch in “How the Grinch Stole Christmas,” passed away at 91.

THAT: Riposte interviewed him many years ago for the Herald-Examiner. He was g-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-EAT!

THE OTHER: (Had to say it.)

THIS: Democraps and Repugnicans avoid a filibuster over the appointment of right-wing, anti-enviornment, pro-corporate fascist judge.

THAT: So the Repugnicans get their judges, and the Democraps get to keep the right to use their filibuster---as long as they don't use it!

THE OTHER: “When a wolf and a fox agree on a modus vivendi, the rabbits and woodchucks had better be on their guard.”---Dave Lindorff.

THIS: Newsweek retracts story on U.S. troops allegedly flushing a Koran down a toilet in order to torment prisoners.

THAT: Newsweek had two sources on the story: one from the state department, and one from the U.S. Army. The state department source later retracted the information, and the Army source waffled, saying his information had not been specific enough.

THE OTHER: This is called being burned by sources, hardly irresponsible journalism.

THIS: Jay Leno testifies at the Michael Jackson trial.

THAT: Upon his departure, he tells the courtroom, “We have Renee Zellweger on the show tonight.”

THE OTHER: Wonder why he wasn’t cited for contempt of court.

THIS: George Lucas makes yet another insufferably self-serious “Star Wars” movie, with zero of the campy panache of the original.

THAT: Dialogue that could have been written by a fourth-grader, wooden performances, endless digital dazzle. . .but the movie is said to contain several broadsides at the Bush administration, warning of blindly following nationalism.

THE OTHER: All is forgiven, George.

THIS: Dodgers continue getting beaten by better teams, then haul out all the clichés: “we didn’t execute,” “we didn’t get the breaks,” “the home run ball beat us.”

THAT: They were beaten by an owner and General Manager who think great team play results from assembling players who’ve never played together before.

THIS: Kenneth Tomlinson, the Repugnican chairman of the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, continues his war against PBS, charging excessive liberalism.

THAT: Yes, constant reruns of Suze Ormand, Dr. Wayne Dyer, geezer-rock shows, the Mamas and Papas documentary, John Tesh at Red Rocks, Hayley's Hints, Masterpiece Theater, “As Time Goes By,” documentaries about the American hot dog---pretty damned subversive stuff, Ken.

THIS: “Nightline” will devote its Memorial Day broadcast to reading the names and showing photos of servicemen and women killed in Iraq.

THAT: Attention, Tomlinson---more crazed liberal media at work!

THIS: Jay Leno testifies at the Michael Jackson trial.

THAT: Riposte is a finalist for best online commentary in the Greater Los Angeles Press Club competition for the second year in a row.

THE OTHER: Will wonders never cease?

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