THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING?
 IT IS.
READ DAVE LINDORFF

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civilized news about the news

SHAFTS. . .
 by The Lamplighter
                                      updated capriciously. . .

QUOTATIOUS:
"Choose softer paths in all things. Hard times are always ready to pounce and seize us by the throat. Be gone demons, afflict us not, we have gentler matters to attend to. In that, we will find strength to answer the call." ---Jack Oakes.

MYCROFT'S ANALYSIS
Lamplighter's luminary pal, Dave Lindorff, posed a most radiant question for our dark times in a recent column: "Why Hasn't Bush Been Impeached Yet?" We suspect it has something to do with flouride, or UFO's, or Britney Spears, but our occasional correspondent Mycroft has more articulated ideas. Here is his response to Mr. Lindorff:

"When reading your column I was reminded of poor dopey Ralph Nader’s stated position for not withdrawing from the presidential race and throwing his support to Al Gore in the election before last. He said, I believe, in essence that the American public should realize that it does not matter whether the Democrats or Republicans are in the White House – the interests and behaviors they serve and evidence are the same (the interests he believed he was campaigning against by championing the ordinary schmoo).

"I believe this is the reason that an impeachment effort hasn’t been launched. Both parties and virtually all candidates share core value structures – please big money and the wad (Norman Mailer’s term), and big money and the wad loves a war. The Democrats have never been against the war on principal (the only valid reason in my estimation) – anyone with the slightest moral sense knew from the beginning that this was nothing more than outright systematic murder and conquest.

"The Democrats liked the idea of America controlling the world’s oil reserves as much as any hoary Texas Republican, and gave the institutional thumbs’ up to imperial conquest. The fact is that neither the Republicans nor the Democrats (nor the vast majority of the American public) believes that there is anything wrong with using America’s military might to conquer other nations and take their resources, or to impose our nation’s will upon them. Why else have an army?

"This is another engagement of the age-old duel between principal (i.e. the rule of law and reason) and might (I CAN impose my will so I WILL impose my will). Guess which side is winning? Guess which side always wins? Ultimately these politicians are neither “Republicans” nor “Democrats.” They are just people, with all the terrible urges and behaviors of an omnivore that evolved against desperate odds by its extraordinarily enhanced wit. It may be to humankind’s credit that the notion that morality ought to govern one’s actions cropped up some millennia into the evolutionary push toward eating lobster in Martha’s Vinyard, but humankind’s willingness to abandon notions of morality whenever snickeringly convenient (by that I mean at the drop of a proverbial hat) condemns us all.

"America stood on an interesting pedestal immediately following WWII. It seemed that a world-class political and military power whose actions were motivated (well, at least tempered) by principal, rather than by avarice, stood center stage. I believe this was an historic moment.

"Unfortunately America then launched into a series of small wars and skirmishes over the next fifty years that were not motivated solely or even primarily by principal (most by a mix of uncertainty about America’s role in the world, religious fear, the innate corporate profitability of a war – any war – and the possibility of long-term economic / strategic gain). This tarnished the image, but did not destroy it. Then came the invasion of Panama, the political cleansing of Grenada, the renting of our military to Saudi Arabia, the sponsoring of secret wars in Central and South America and, finally, a land grab as bold as any the English, French or Germans ever perpetrated during the heyday of military colonialism. We showed the world the true colors of America, and they are dark and mottled indeed.

"But it is a convenient lie to blame the Republicans or the Neocons for this fall from grace. It is the manifestation of the will, and the amoral indifference, and the overarching greed of virtually all Americans that has brought our nation so low."

Socratic Monologue
Our old lantern-lighter pal, Socrates, checked in with a monologue that was so well-crafted, so finely honed, so finessed and nuanced---and so flourescently important---that your Illuminator decided to give it separate placement. It is entitled, "Old Dogs and Dirty Tricks," and here is the tantalizing first paragraph:

"Washington is abuzz with the winds of change, or so we might wish to believe. Change comes hard for any one, but it is especially hard in the political arena. Particularly if you are the President of the Dis-United States. At what has become perhaps the most perilous moment in our national history, we are at a crossroads where only genuine statesmanship can guide us through to safety and put us back on course as the democratic model for the world to follow - - by choice, not by imposition."

Read all of this marvelous beam of light here.

Room Inn Nations
Lamplighter is so nonplussed---or it it plussed?---about the "Oscars," that his normal loquaciousness is low. But it must be said that all these gushing, barely articulate series of disjointed ejaculations about God and coming from South-Central L.A. and believing in your dream (where are the cliche police!) and so on have got to stop. LL thinks Forrest Whittaker is a superb actor and a stinking lousy speechmaker. Forrest, you have not solved global warming, discovered a cure for AIDS, or removed Bush and Cheney from power. You. . .acted. You. . .won an award. A top award. Well done, but a little humility, please. Same to you, Jennifer Holliday--er, Hudson---and believe me, you need it a lot more than Forrest. By the way, Ellen DeGeneres is every bit as funny as a second-grade teacher talking about milk going up your nose. And Clint, well, Clint, you're gettin' old at last. Greatest injustice of the night: "Pan's Labyrinth" not winning best foreign film. Second greatest injustice of the night: "The Departed" winning anything. There are better Bugs Bunny cartoons. Let Al Gore host next year. . .

In The Snake Eats Itself Department: Toyota is building a new auto assembly plant in Northeast Mississippi. There are at least two interesting things about this. First, the only reason Japanese auto manufacturers assemble cars in the USA is because the Congress years ago passed protective tariffs against Japanese auto imports. The companies beat this by building the cars here, so the tariffs were all rescinded. Second, the USA has a surplus of reasonably intelligent, reasonably hard-working adults in backwaters like Mississippi and other southern and Midwestern states happy to have these stultifying repetitive factory jobs---never mind what Karl "the Pig" Rove said about not wanting his son to pick tomatoes. In other words, we have become a source of reasonably intelligent cheap manufacturing labor, at least compared with the labor pools in Japan and Western Europe. In other words, we have become our own "Third World" country---outsourcing to ourselves! We’ll soon be making tennis shoes and clothing once again.

Question of the day: how many pairs of hands does a female movie star have to pass through before she becomes undesirable as used goods? It seems there is always some itinerant dancer or cinefellow ten or fifteen years younger (either calculating for exposure or who doesn’t know any better) willing to woo even the most tarnished aging divas and over the hill (25+ years) pop tarts. Wonder how Sharon Stone and Christian Slater are doing. . .

WHY DO THE BIRDS GO ON SINGING?*

Now cometh a great big wonderful beaming shaft! Lantern-lighter "Doc" yet again hath come through-eth with an essay guaranteed to drive shadows fleeing. Here it is, kids:

So, brethren and sisthren, it is fear – FEAR, I say – that is the genesis of religion. Fear of the unknown, fear of the known, fear of fear itself. Fear of terrorists, fear of dying, fear of flying. The original fears were probably of earthquakes, volcanoes, too much rain, too little rain, and other entirely inexplicable, uncontrollable natural factors that spelled doom or prosperity for our primitive hunter-gatherer forebears (note well that these remain pretty high on the things-feared-list today, puncturing little intellectual conceits about having de-mystified nature’s arbitrary assaults).

Modern fears are somewhat more varietal. True, the Big Boogaloo - fear of death – lurks behind nearly every manifestation of popular despair we still encounter during our brief mambo with life. Then we move on to the purveyors of oblivion -- starvation, disease, you know, the four horsemen of Apocalypse Now. Finally we end up entwined in pretty silly trivialities: fear of television reruns, fear of the next guy’s different god, fear of wearing the same dress as Dinky Glimp. If one could hear all the prayers for divine assistance in avoiding various types and levels of unpleasantry that waft upward each day, one would have a damned-near complete list of every dark and fearful nook in the human psyche.

And that brings me to my next point. What is the connection between fear and religion? Aha! It is identical to the fundamental principal of capitalism – identify a need, then satisfy it at a substantial profit (or sometimes create a need, then satisfy it, same thing). The elemental human need is two-headed – the need to understand those things we fear (fundamentally, that can kill us)and the need for assistance in avoiding them. Both heads perch on the same body -- The Unknown. You know, “The undiscover'd country from whose bourn no traveller returns….”

Now since it was probably pretty clear to even our brooding brow-ridged bipedal ancestors that they certainly didn’t have any answers, the logical thing was to ascribe the reason for such calamities to (and endow the power to stop such calamities in) somebody or something else. But who? But whom? (The grammar god is fickle and aloof.)

The original answer was -- in the very things that were feared. So, in every culture that was subject to volcanoes, you had a volcano god. Where floods were a hazard, you had a rain god. Earthquakes? Create an earthquake god. These fanciful creations satisfied both questions – these special effects gods were understood to be the cause of such seemingly arbitrary and appalling occurrences, and provided a key to avoiding them. Create and placate the right god, and the fire pits would stop firing, the rains would come on time and in moderation, and all would be right with the world.

This is all pretty much hokey dokey! It removed some of our fear by removing some of the unknown – people could understand these anthropomorphic gods they conjured up. They were sort of like us, only (to use the pop jargon) EMPOWERED. And the fancied ability to placate such gods restored a bit of imaginary control to the situation. Nobody got hurt, and everybody felt a little better. Well, except those sacrificed to placate a particular member of the pantheon one’s society venerated. (Funny how virgins seem to have been at the top of everybody’s Sacrificial Top Ten, be they gods of fire or fruitcake. You don’t suppose these societies were male-dominated, do you?) Taking the Big Dive to mollify the God of Large Potatoes must have been a bummer.

Of course, since these gods didn’t really exist, the success of societal adoration and attempted placation were pretty much arbitrary. (I’ve always loved the fact that the Greeks endowed their gods with the very human trait of arbitrariness, to explain why the results of their worship and sacrifices seemed so…arbitrary.) Even so, a little imagined control of the sometimes-dire situation seemed better than none, so even the ficklest of divine creatures and forces didn’t completely lose their supernatural sheen.

As the millennia passed, reasons for many of the natural catastrophes that had a way of shortening life expectancies became understood. Nothing does in a god quicker than application of the scientific method. Volcanoes? A release of the Earth’s inner molten core through fissures. Cataclysmic rainstorms? A shift in ocean temperatures and currents. It wasn’t because some big bully of an Olympian god had an angina attack after all.

When the reasons for the god's creation – to answer the Big Why? -- disappeared, so did the god. So long. Hasta la vista, Baby. Don’t let the door hit your ethereal ass on the way out.
But so long as us people remain fearful, so long as we keep deceasing and the mysteries of life, death and creation perplex our frontal lobes, we will keep around a god or two as a handy, dandy all-purpose response to those remaining perplexities that ail us. Sure you can ask him (or her or it) for special favors, but if you don’t get them, don’t bitch. Sure you can ask for an explanation of the mystery of life, but don’t hold your breath. Gods don’t explain. They work in mysterious ways. It’s in the contract.

To be continued.

*End of the World, composed by Skeeter Davis.

ROMAN MUSING
Lamplighter received the following bit of short musing from lantern-lighter Doc: 

"I have been reading an easy history of the Roman Empire (one of those books for idiots), only about 250 pages. Reading this leads to the conclusion that people have a killing gene that guides their actions. The history of Rome is a litany of hundreds of wars fought over about six centuries, killing many millions of people.  Each had a “reason,” but the real reason is the human need to kill, still guiding the actions of so many “leaders” today (as well as the armies they control and direct).

"Every war had a 'reason' seized upon to allow expression of the killing compulsion.  Everyone knows that if there were no soldiers, there would be no wars, but the fact is that there is an unending supply of soldiers, each of whom has the killing gene in place and in command. We sublimate and satiate the killing gene vicariously through brutal sports much of the time, but it boils to the surface often enough---resulting in the death of many, many millions in my lifetime alone. It is finding expression right now in Iraq (and shortly in Iran), Palestine, North Africa and innumerable other places in the world.  It has always been so with humans, and always will. Humans are easily the most despicable creatures extant. There certainly is no god, because if there were, we humans would be dispatched immediately by the creator without a moment’s pause."

The most despicable creatures extant? LL is not too partial to alligators. . .
   
END (L.A.) TIMES
The L.A. Times' ongoing decline and descent further into blandness and banality does not break Lamplighter's heart---what's left of it. This pompous, pretentious rag has for decades been marked by an unseemly self-importance and arrogance. Perhaps it's something in their coffee, as the haughty Times attitude may be encountered from top to bottom, from editor to phone operator to secretary. LL has a million stories about Times Disease. Here are two:

When "edited" by a fellow who had at least the maturity and seasoning of an 8-year-old, LL requested that the cliched word, "virtually" not be inserted in his copy, and that instead the plainer and more accurate "almost" be used. The response: "This is a TIMES story! This is a Los Angeles TIMES story! Are you so important that you don't have to be edited?" I know, I know, but it's true, folks. The other: when an overnight Fed-Ex package to LL was sent care of the Times, why, the secretary there very conscientiously forwarded it to His Brightness---three months later. When LL very, very politely asked the secretary if she wouldn't mind alerting him to any/all urgent overnight packages---offering to then drive down and pick them up---Sec'y said, and we quote, "We forward mail to you as a COURTESY. If you don't like it, we can just throw it in a box down here and you can come and get it yourself!"

But this is a mere surface scratch into Times mentality.

This "great newspaper" (as its editors and ad campaigns have long shamelessly referred to it) became "great" only because of the Hearst Corporation stupidly killing the Examiner in '62 and dropping out of the morning market. Prior to that, The Times historically had been considered a dull, gray, arch-conservative, racist fishwrap that was laughed at by the staffs of the other four or five papers in town (several of which were also arch-conservative and racist.) And as we like to maintain in this column, the Times has never been a "great" newspaper---despite some truly fine reporting and writing amid all the chin-stroking overstuffed interminable phoneybaloney prose and pose---rather, it has been a "great big" newspaper.

So it is with outright cheering that we observe the Tribune Company debase the place, and rub its imaginary blue nose in the dirt. We chortle when we see it subjected to the (gasp) unthinkable indignity of front-page ads on its various sections. We howl at the new ad campaign that shows fisheye-lensed dunderheads staring into your face (as if looking into a newsrack), reacting with drooling delight at the "redesigned" paper (as if people ever give a crap about such superficial changes.) We smile fiendishly when the latest Tribune Company babysitter---er, publisher---demonstrates zero understanding of L.A., and talks about "reaching out" to the "latino community" (as if the "latino community" gives a damn about the paper.) We slap our knees when they do things like switch the editorial pages to section one---oh, yeah, that'll sell more papers!---and, cough, howl, reduce the size of the masthead! Yowzah! Now I'm gonna subscribe!

The Times would do fine if it would change just a couple things---like oh, its staff and attitude. But the likelihood of that happening is as great as Bush leaving Iraq. What is going to happen is that this sorry paper will become more of a magazine to amplify a newsier website---so says the new Babysitter. (Yes, this will increase circulation! Make the stories even more interminable!) And it will do many, many other fall-down-funny, crackpot things.

What staggers LL about all this, and the widespread decline in newspapers everywhere, is that there is an obvious remedy that no one ever mentions. How about. . .become a newspaper again?

Newspapers all over the country from Monterey to Omaha have largely the same national/international content and coverage. What the hell ever happened to covering the community? That's right, folks---imagine this: a local newspaper. And what's more---a hard-hitting, no-pulled-punches newspaper that advocates on behalf of the community, and the underdog. (If that sounds like the Jim Bellows-era Herald-Examiner, you're way ahead of me.) Put most national and international news in section two. Make the paper an L.A. paper! Make it irreverent, funny. Make the writing bright, sharp, to-the-point. Inspire outrage. Inspire tears. Stop pandering to Hollywood, and start covering it. And you really, really need a punchy, crackerjack sports section. (The Times sports pages are full of people consumed with out-punning each other, and Bill "One Sentence Per Paragraph" Plaschke.) Bring back weekly Bingo games! Give away cars! Hire Bob Barker as official spokesman! And as far as losing ad revenue to Craigslist and the like, how is it that the Times and other papers didn't instantly come up with an on-line competitor? Well, you get the drift. And drift is the future of the Times and other American newspapers---as long as they are owned by bottom-line mercenaries like Dean Singleton, The Tribune Company, and "edited" by overeducated, monied elitists completely out of touch with working-class reality.

THE SUZERAINTY
Nice word, isn't it? Of course, you've heard it before, being far more enlightened than Your Illuminator. If you knew suzerainty like I knew suzerainty. . .Didn't I go to school with Suze Rainty? It might've choked Suze, but it ain't gonna choke Rainty. Cough. Ahem. Sorry, I had a small fit. But this is the Perfecto Zapata word for the Bush Administration's magnificent achievements in The Middle East. (Well, Condi thinks they're magnificent---she told Congress how successful this whole venture has been!) But don't take it from Lamplighter---take it from lantern-lighter Doc, who dropped a line to muse about exactly how much Congress can do to stop George W. "American Enterprise Institute" Bush (the Neocon---accent on the "con"---outfit drafted current Iraq plans and wrote Prezboy's big speech about same.) Doc explained that there are no checks whatsoever on unbalanced Bush:

"Some argue, perhaps correctly, that it started when Ford pardoned Nixon, letting him off the hook for breaking numerous laws. This established the presumption that any president who goes too far will be similarly pardoned, so no sitting president need have fear of personal repercussions for actions. Note that we have not declared war on Iraq or anyone else, sidestepping the issue. Congress just decided to call it something else, in order to avoid the responsibility of making such a decision. The press and White House call it a 'war on terror' at best, when it honestly ought to be called 'A Racist Crusade Under the Impetus of Pseudo-Christianity to Co-opt Iraq Oil Reserves and Impose an Israeli Suzerainty Over the Middle East.' U.S. citizens don’t think there is anything wrong with killing Iraqis (or any other Muslims) and stealing their oil. They don’t. Really. It is okay by them to kill the 'towel-heads.' This is the real, core problem, and it won’t go away."

Now, lantern-lighter Doc's observations were amplified a bit by lantern-lighter Socrates, who wrote:

"Congress has always squirmed when it came to exercising its constitutional duty regarding a declaration of war. The Authorization Act passed during the Nixon years (and vetoed by Mr. N.) has never been actively implemented in curbing Presidential incursions on congressional powers. Worse, the blank check given by Bush's stacked deck Republican congress in authorizing the use of military force against any country known to be involved in 9/11 has never been seriously challenged - - patriotism, you know. Perhaps now, congressional hearings on a variety of Bush shenanigans may offer some hope of restoring powers to their proper place. Perhaps. NPR had an interview in which it was stated that about 65% of our available military is bogged down in Iraq alone. This may act as a constraint on any plan to attack Iran. The wild card, of course, is Israel. If Israel attacks Iran unilaterally, we're sunk.

"Just an afterthought: If the surge fails, as it will, McCain as an active supporter of the policy, will doom his presidential ambitions. Fine with me."
 
HANGMAN
So we won’t have Saddam to kick around anymore. . .Yes, Lamplighter almost feels sorry for the “brutal dictator.” Hell, he was only doing what brutal dictators are supposed to do: wipe out a couple hundred people every time the populace gets unruly. True, he got rather um, carried away with the sadism and idolatry, but that's hardly unusual for brutal dictators. People forget: Saddam was supported by the U.S. for decades while he was busy having fun as a brutal dictator. . .U.S. Ambassador April Glaspie inadvertently gave him the go-ahead to take Kuwait. . .Saddam actually did destroy his only “WMD” about two or three weeks before the invasion (about 25 Scud missiles with no WMD in the warheads). . .Saddam did say he would negotiate with the U.S. shortly before the invasion. . .Naturally, we know that the whole Iraq thing was a sham from the get-go---an excuse for vainglory, indulging fantasy about "democratizing" Arab nations (which, of course, would actually result in them electing religious maniac brutal dictators), allowing corporations to rape and pillage, etc. Seems to LL that Saddam’s big mistake was lobbing those few Scuds at Israel in Gulf War I. That, was not hard to comprehend, given that the entire Arab world thinks Israel is an aggressive and murderous anti-Arab state (with nukes, no less.) But that’s what sealed his fate. The Neocons, many of whom actually worked for Israel (Cheney, Wolfowitz, and others freelance consulted for the Likud party), swore to “git” Saddam at that point. So now we are a nation that selects defenseless nations we do not like, invades, occupies, and murders their leaders. Gee, wonder why we are not bothering with all the other brutal dictators in the world.

XMAS WITH JACK OAKES
One of the resident "A Verse to You" poets on this fine website, Jack Oakes, periodically drops a line to edify, horrify, electrify. It is with the heartiest Christmas cheer that Lamplighter brings you the latest tiny acorns from Oakes:

"Some schmuck in an BMW tailgated me tonight. When I pulled over, he slowed down and glared at me. I flipped him off. When I pulled out again, he slowed down. I tried to pull around him, and he sped up. I put the brights on him, and he took off. Probably some yuppie swine drunk from an Xmas party.

"That's the thing I dislike about the holiday season, it brings out the worst in many, many people. Real ugliness. Greed, a corruption. A hellish darkness of the collective soul.

"As for the morons and "Christian" jackasses who rant about the "War on Christmas," well, the Colonial Puritans also hated Christmas. It was banned in England. Read this from the Worldwide Church of God, Herbert Armstrong's old church
(http://www.wcg.org/lit/church/holidays/xmassin.htm):

"But a truly Christian observance of Christmas does not include drunkenness, fornication, carousing or any other conduct unworthy of saints."

"Ah shucks, I miss that old-fashioned sort of Christmas!

"Bad Santa," by the way, is a tremendous movie. It captures the true shabby spirit of Christmas in our modern world.

"Here is another take on the history  of Christmas
(http://www.serve.com/shea/germusa/xmasintr.htm):
"The celebration of Christmas was made a crime in Massachusetts in 1659. That edict was repealed in 1681, but in 1686 the governor needed two soldiers to escort him to Christmas services. In 1706 a Boston mob smashed the windows in a church holding Christmas services. Due to the early predominance of the Dutch in New York (founded by them and first named New Amsterdam), New Yorkers celebrated Christmas from the 17th century on, but as late as 1874 Henry Ward Beecher, America's most prominent preacher, said, "To me, Christmas is a foreign day."

LL adds: Which brings to mind that wonderful poem about Beecher:

The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
Called the hen a most elegant creature
The hen, pleased with that,
laid an egg in his hat
And thus did the hen reward Beecher!

COUNTRY HAYWIRE
Bush wants $100 billion MORE for Iraq and Afghanistan. Crazy John McCain wants 30,000 more troops for Iraq. The Joint Chiefs don't want any more troops sent. About three-quarters of the populace wants to get out of Iraq. This country is simply out of control. How long, one wonders, will the world put up with it? And in the highly unlikely event that "we" wind up controlling Iraq with massive manpower and expense, what the hell kind of achievement is that? And will the last sane U.S. citizen please turn off the lights?

MERRY GOLDMAN SACHS
Oh, the spirits are bright at Goldman Sachs! Oh, the holly is jolly and the gentlemen merry. Ladies, too! The outfit made $9.34 billion this year, the most in Wall Street history---so much that it is setting aside $16.5 billion for salaries, bonuses and benefits for employees. (Either that or share a cell with Jeff Skilling.) Now, we checked with reputable mathematicians, and we think a billion dollars is a lot more than is made by Your Illuminator, but so what---Goldman Sachs deserves every penny. After all, these are the investment bankers who arrange mergers and acquisitions or sell corporate stock to investors---you know, all those mysterious things that happen to a people with lots of money. Why, there's a merger industry! Did you know that? I'll bet you did, and Lamplighter was the only one in the dark here. That's correct, these are people who help corporations swallow one another up, and make everything so wonderfully chaotic and mercenary in our world! Cynical? Moi? Nah, LL wishes all investment bankers great happiness through all their massive material wealth. They're neat people! Why, here is a quote from a nice lady investment banker named Pamela Liebman in the NYT coverage: Investment bankers, she said, "work hard and want to live well." You bet. Merging is hard work! And everyone aspires to live well, especially in Watts and Compton. Ms. Liebman, the chief executive of the Corcoran Group, a residential brokerage, gives us a little insight into the personality of the average investment banker: he or she, she said, is usually interested in buying a luxury apartment in Manhattan or a second or third residence elsewhere. Hey, so is LL! And wouldn't you know it? Lots of people seem to really like investment bankers! Why, the folks at BMW of Manhattan opened a showroom at 67 Wall Street just so investment bankers would not have to take all that nasty time to travel uptown to its main sales and service operation at 57th Street and 11th Avenue! Wow. So when you are wrapping the one or two presents you went into hock to buy for your kids to put under the plastic image of a Christmas tree stuck to the wall above the TV, just remember---at least the investment bankers at Goldman Sachs are having a swell holiday season!

GO PARK YOURSELF, TRAFFIC COPS

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: anyone who would take a job as a parking cop is fundamentally deranged. There are any number of sicknesses involved here, beginning with a simple desire to exert authority. There are also elements of sadism, obviously, as their very job is causing problems and much unpleasantry. Would you like a job based on causing pain? (Dentists excepted?)

Yes, the arrogant and rich among us frequently park illegally, because they don’t give a damn, and they deserve the tickets. But they are in the minority of those who find the little flapping pinkies under their windshield wipers. Typically, recipients are those who emerge from a movie five minutes after a meter expired, or who put quarters in meters that do not register them---or those who park in 40-minute parking zones that are right next to four-hour parking zones and have identical signs except for the zero.
Typically, they are also people who cannot afford to pay the fines.

Etcetera.

Lamplighter’s significant flame once parked perfectly between two red zones, with barely inches to spare on either side. It was a masterful job. Yes, she was blocking a handicapped access curb---but the handicapped access was 100 percent blocked by a construction fence and scaffold. Did she get a ticket? Does a dog scratch its ass? Did she fight the ticket? Does a cat have a scratchy tongue? Did she win? Oh sure, and rabbits don’t wiggle their little pink noses.

Which brings up the latest astounding ploy used by Parking Nazis. This one really leaves the tongue lolling, the head rolling around the shoulders, the eyeballs pinwheeling.

Get this:

LL observed a woman pull into a metered parking space in Westwood one afternoon. Two hour parking. She emerged from the car and put lots of money in her meter, went away for a while, and came back to find a flapping pinkie under her windshield wiper.

No, her meter had not expired.

No, she was not parked during a “no parking” period for street cleaning.

No, she was not partly into a red zone behind her.

Ready? She was not exactly in the little white-painted corners delineating the parking space. Her rear tire was about four inches past one of the corners.

This was not even Your Illuminator’s business, but I remain outraged.

These parking cops are just sick at the very core of their being.

QUOTATIOUS:
From Lantern-Lighter Jack Oakes:

"Meanwhile African-American personages are languishing in misery, crime, sickness, despair, ignorance, poverty, violence and the best Jesse and Sharpie can come up with is to rant about some has-been sitcom actor's psycho outburst at a comedy club. I have a dream. They don't have a clue."

SOCRATES CHECKS IN
Your Illuminator just cannot bring his glowing self to shed light on any of the madness involving the L.A. Times, or Iraq, or Oprah telling Kirstie Alley, "Your boobs look good," or McCartney calling for a "dignified" divorce, or the hideous weather, orGeorgio Armani on the cover of Arcitectural Digest (oh, goshohgollygeewhizbangwowie, I wish I could live like Georgio!), so it was with some relief that we received the following essay from regular Lantern-lighter Socrates. It is far too civilized reading for most of you, but then, most of you don't read this site anyhow. . .Soc?

"October and November is a deliciously calming time of the year, the temperature moderating, the colors of the flora making a last burst of splendor, and the animal kingdom heading toward nap time. Unfortunately, the magical spell is broken for one species, since it becomes the season of silliness as its “leaders” make a headlong dash to satisfy their egos by aspiring to mediocrity when greatness is beyond their grasp, thereby demonstrating why no one should elect them to political office. The lack of statesmanship in our time is underscored by the expectation that public service is the stepping stone to riches or a footnote in the history books. This egocentric philosophy of our elected servants has done more to undermine the virtue of our country, our democracy, and our Constitution than any enemy beyond our borders.

"The public need consider only a few of the most absurd public pronouncements by officials “in the know.” President Bush’s declaration of “mission accomplished” has become a ludicrous testament to willful ignorance of cultural, historical, and military realities; Vice President Cheney’s proclamation that “the insurgency is in its death throes,” underscores the primacy of wishful thinking over rational thought; and Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld’s conclusion that one billion more dollars is appropriate for training more Iraqi security forces, but that we don’t need more trainers is mind boggling. His departure is a premature Christmas gift that is not unappreciated. I’m sure each of us has a favorite tribute to madness, but it eventually reaches the point that Americans have to ask themselves: What is to be done to undo the travesty and tragedy that has been foisted upon us in the name of security, regardless of the party in power?

"The congressional elections were a possible step in the right direction, but the country needs to look well beyond throwing the rascals out. Perhaps we need, desperately, to change not the officials, but the system. Thomas Jefferson admonished us two centuries ago that the tree of liberty needed to be refreshed on occasion with the blood of patriots. He may have meant literally a homegrown insurgency, but more likely an updating of the Constitution to reflect the changing times, but never sacrificing our hard won democratic principles. If it was the latter, then clearly we are overdue for an overhaul. To that end, my ruminations in this silly season have led me to consider what reformations of our Constitutional government might be in order that would satisfy our Founding Fathers’ intent and avert the fascist oligarchy that threatens to overwhelm us.

"We need to examine what is wrong with our current system. What seems to have brought us to the precipice of disaster is two fold: the lust for power and the lust for wealth. The prescription for curing our ailment is simple and therefore bitter, but only to those who put their interest above their country. The cynical observation that anyone who would seek public office should be regarded with the suspicion an electorate would have for a common criminal is not without merit.

"How then do we neutralize the overly ambitious from aspiring to power? We might begin by limiting the potential for power. Maintaining the two bodies of Congress would be practical, but limit their term of service to four years for both bodies by staggering their election by two years so that both bodies would not be elected at the same time. Further, any official elected is automatically removed from office at the end of that four years and not allowed to run for office again until his office has been vacated for four years. Said official will be paid a salary adequate to perform his functions and be off limits to any lobbyist. Lobbyists must address publicly the whole body of Congress and there are to be no secret hearings of public concern.

"How the Congress would be populated needs to be changed. Power must be removed from ruinously competing political parties. Just a suggestion, but two parties would be acceptable and lesser parties would align themselves with one of the two. There should be an equal balance between male and female members and roughly the same should hold true for the Supreme Court. The recommendation is that a representative from each party would be elected by each state to the House of Representatives and to the Senate. Neither party would have a majority; therefore, they must compromise judiciously or forfeit their salary. There would be no room for party politicking, but only learned debate in the interest of the country. However, there must be results. The tie-breaking vote would be cast not by the Vice-President, but the electorate: In or out!

"The citizenry needs to be presented with an agenda of problems of national concern and allowed to designate which they regard as the most important for any legislative session, when they elect their representatives. If those national, not state, problems are not dealt with effectively during the legislative session of four years, all representatives forfeit any future congressional career for four years and the return of their salaries. The agenda could possibly be derived from state legislatures reflecting their constituents’ needs: the budget, education, health, safety, treaties, et cetera. The presentation of the agenda would be to the Congress by the President and his responsibility would be to keep them on task.

"As for the President, he should be elected by the general public, but his powers should be relegated to those of leadership: proposing, but not disposing; exhorting, but not dictating. Veto power would remain in his/her hands, but signing statements would be invalidated as representing a de facto veto. The power to declare war would rest with the Congress or selected officials in consultation with the President, not solely the President. If we are ever under attack time becomes moot. In time of war not precipitated by us, all congressional members’ terms would be extended one term. The President may serve four years, then, be retired and allowed to run after four years have elapsed.

"These few suggestions represent a beginning of possible upgrades of the Constitution, but primarily they would serve to seal off the corridors to the abuse of power and limit the rapacious urges of many alleged public servants. Certainly the Bill of Rights needs to be vigorously enforced, and the selection of Supreme Court Justices warrants being revisited, but these are matters beyond immediate necessities: addressing the causes of our woes. These are just a few of my ruminations for a better future. Shouldn’t we all be re-examining the state of our nation? After all, it is the silly season. Right?

"If I may be so bold, I think it might not be an inappropriate forum for “The Lamplighter” to solicit reasoned ideas from its readers to submit their suggestions as to how America might improve the functioning of our elected government on a reformed Constitutional basis. How say ye?

Socrates

RALPH STORY STORY
Ralph Story had an inimitably affable demeanor, on and off-screen. His feature stories and commentaries, often about Los Angeles, were an important part of L.A. news in the '60's, specifically, KNXT's "The Big News," and the weekly feature show, "Ralph Story's Los Angeles." Lamplighter remembers the latter fondly, and it had a bit of a role in inspiring him to later want to write features about interesting and offbeat people and places. Anyhow, LL had the pleasure of meeting Ralph back in the '70's, when he had the unlikely job of anchoring the local KNXT news with Connie Chung. He was extraordinarily gracious to a kid who did not particularly want to do what has really a puff-piece. Story passed away a couple of months ago, but he is fondly remembered by KCET, where he worked toward the end of his career. And he had the good judgement to devote one of his "Ralph Story's Los Angeles" shows in 1964 to the original L.A. Daily News, celebrated on this website. The transcription of that show, painstakingly hunted down and transcribed by LL, may be found here. End Story.

SQUAWK AND TWILLIE
For some reason that would take an hour to explain, Lamplighter's consciousness, or lack of same, contains a conversation with a minor fictional character in a film. The character's name is Squawk Mulligan, and he is a bartender in a movie called "My Little Chickadee." Squawk is having a chat with fellow barkeep Cuthbert J. Twillie, played by the man who wrote the dialogue for this scene, one W. C. Fields.

Now, what stands out from this utterly drop-dead funny scene is not the utterly drop-dead funny exchange between Squawk and Twillie, but the voiceover of a "customer," who says, with all the sobriety of a man on trial for murder, "No, I just can't recall any such incident right now." The dryness of this delivery, and the businesslike manner in which the speaker considers the rather unusual question that is put to him, is a pearl of absurdity. Here is the conversation:

(Twillie and old buddy "Squawk Mulligan" are tending bar together, telling tall tales to a customer:)

Twillie: "I'm tending bar one time down in the lower east side in New York. A tough paloma comes in there by the name of Chicago Molly. I cautioned her, 'None of your peccadilloes in here.' There was some hot lunch on the bar, comprising of succotash, Philadelphia Cream Cheese, and asparagus with mayonnaise. She dips her mitt down into this melange. I'm yawning at the time, and she hits me right in the mug with it. I jumps over and I knocks her down."

Squawk: "You knocked her down? I was the one that knocked her down!"

Twillie: "Oh yes, that's right. He knocked her down...but I was the one who started kicking her. I starts kicking her in the midriff. Did you ever kick a woman in the midriff that had a pair of corsets on?"

Customer: "No, I just can't recall any such incident right now."

Twillie: "Well, I almost broke my great toe; I never had such a painful experience."

Customer: "Did she ever come back again?"

Squawk: "I'll say she came back. She came back a week later and beat the both of us up."

Twillie: "Yeh, but she had another woman with her--an elderly woman with gray hair."

By the way, Fields did not merely contribute this one scene to the movie, as is claimed here. He had a knock-down drag-out with co-star Mae West over the writing that resulted in co-credit on the movie.

IRAQ AS 'PROVING GROUND'
Attention, lantern-lighters: this might make you want to throw a lampshade over your head and dance yourselves into imbecility. It's a little note sent our way by the poet, Jack Oakes, who keeps up with current events---much to his own distress. Jack?

"They will shut us down. No more Internet, imposition of martial law, rounding up of dissidents for those concentration camps, death squads stalking our streets, torture chambers, rape rooms, the whole enchilada. All these threads are all connected. They just don't happen willy-nilly out of thin air.

"If America can declare itself free to torture, kidnap, secretly imprison without charge or trial, any damned thing is thinkable and doable.

"What has gone down in Iraq is a training ground, a proving ground for things to come. Plus recruiting the dregs of society will provide shock troops for repression at home (a la "Clockwork Orange"). Iraq is not a failure, it's a rousing success. They are doing exactly what was planned. They intended a no-win war. And the key element: it is a massive redistribution of billions of dollars from all of us to the military industrial complex. That's the real deal."

Jack sent along a few links to elucidate his views:

Iran: The Unthinkable War---part one
http://www.dissidentvoice.org/Oct06/Santos02.htm
Part One: The Democrats are silent as the Bush regime prepares for war against Iran -- silent in the face of a potential nuclear mass murder -- even a global war. Silent in the face of an attack that could cause an utter meltdown of the global economy, a 1930s style Depression that would send millions, perhaps billions of people into starvation-level poverty, as the prices of oil and gasoline triple.
Part two:
http://www.dissidentvoice.org/Oct06/Santos04.htm
Part two: Democrats and Republicans alike claim that Iran is a “terrorist state,” one that can’t be allowed to possess nuclear weapons. But there is no evidence that Iran is developing a nuclear weapon, any more than there was any proof that Iraq was developing one.
The Bush/Cheney Police State Is Upon Us
http://www.rense.com/general73/stt.htm
Now That You Could be Labeled an Enemy Combatant…
http://www.dissidentvoice.org/Oct06/Wokusch04.htm
They Passed the Torture Bill, Gave Bush Wiretapping, and America is Dead
Bush's Mysterious 'New Programs' (from 2/23/06)
http://www.alternet.org/rights/32647/
But recent developments suggest that the Bush administration may already be contemplating what to do with Americans who are deemed insufficiently loyal or who disseminate information that may be considered helpful to the enemy. Top U.S. officials have cited the need to challenge news that undercuts Bush's actions as a key front in defeating the terrorists, who are aided by "news informers," in the words of Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld.

MIGHTY OAKES
Now that you are in a swell frame of mind, after you get finished lining up that Irish citizenship, you might want to read this more heartening rumination, also from Mr. Oakes:

I reflect just now that I am essentially the same person as I was 30 years ago. A bit more prudent, perhaps. But instead of having the pep of a 25-year-old, I'm a shuffling middle-aged guy.
I look at the world around me and see ... what? Not my world, I do not give consent to this society. Were I could be like Thoreau and live in a shack and wander about commenting on what is observed.

Ah, that is so passe. Nobody wants to hear it. Nobody wants to see us. It's not good for ratings, it doesn't sell tickets. There is no profit in us.

Nobody thinks about the world the way we still do. The visions we had were the best, the music we heard was the best. The friendships were grand. The times were joyous.

Ah, but time passes us by. And we are left to wonder why. Yet each morning, we rouse ourselves from our slumber and rub the sleep from our eyes and give it another try.

But it seems with each passing day, we are a little less a part of the passing scene. We have become ghosts. There is no prophet in us.

It's only money, that is all that most people see, money. Money to stave off fear. Fear of death, or growing old, of being sick. The pervasive level of opulence in this country is astounding. Money has a way of altering landscapes and mindscapes. It provides an illusion of escape from the cycle of suffering as assuredly as any opium pipe.

But I prefer my dreams and visions. May they be true.
May I be true to them. Who could ask for anything more. I'm the richest man in the world. I have nothing to prove. I am already a winner. May I extend benefit to all sentient beings, to each according to his needs.

It is better to be optimistic, to believe in what we know to be true. We only wish to tell the truth, we have no wish to deceive. We've struggled mightily these many years against a thousand passions, and it has brought us to the brink of understanding. The utlimate discovery, the simplest plan. Shake my hand.

As was the case with the Age of Enlightenment, the Declaration of Independence, the rights of man, we could well usher in a new era of understanding and insight. Even as our fundamental liberties are imperiled as never before, a new wave of reason is being nurtured in ways the pundits and hucksters could never understand, nor ever corrupt.

A few sweet words of truth and kindness dispensed as we go through our day will cast new seed onto ready ground. The results will be a new Garden of Eden. Nurtured by passion and reason, indestructible by greed and corruption, cutting through contempt, calumny and delusion.

Find the right words, find them in your heart. No greater magic can be imagined. There's no further search required. The quest is at an end. The misery and the ignorance and the howling stops now.

If the world is dull, stale and unprofitable, it is only because we have let it be so. The things that will happen now are beyond the understanding of the media hounds and whores. Keep them at bay. Don't let them get a sniff of the project. Careful labors are required now.

Believe in your gifts, the ultimate treasure, beyond the limits imposed by current commerce. Here is the antidote. Let us toast to the success of our further adventures.

CLEANING HOUSE
Lantern-Lighter Socrates dropped a line from his retreat in Idylwild, or was it Truth or Consequences, or was it Vane, Ohio? Anyhow, Soc was cleaning out his garage, and it got him thinking about cleaning out Washington, D.C.:

"The first phase of remodeling mania has abated, but a follow up bout is in the making I fear.

"Mania." Now there is a word that is about to become as abused, overused, and relegated to meaninglessness as the current buzz word, "robust," (note to readers: please see Lingo Czar column) especially if our beloved fearless and feckless leader persists in shooting his mouth off at the behest of Herr Rove, and if the media becomes increasingly aware of his manic desperation to salvage his ass from future charges of war crimes and some well-earned knitting time in Leavenworth. In all fairness he should be offered the alternative of being "renditioned" to a judicial institution for humane inquiry, say in Baghdad or Mosul. Although there have been a few insightful remarks made about Bungling B's admission regarding previously denied CIA secret prisons, no one seems to be outraged - I mean OUTRAGED - that he confesses to a lie and has the gall to insist that Congress pass legislation sanctifying his sins and saving his hide and that of his camp followers (Republican moneyed [but never enough] whoremongers (such a wonderful Biblically laden term) who have sold this country down Texas' gold plated porcelain brain drain). I doubt if there is enough room available in Argentina to accommodate the number of expatriots that would be generated if Congress declines. Fat chance!"

Some rant from the Soc-man! But wait---there's more:

"I realize I sound overly optimistic, but when Arlen Specter bends over backward to legalize Bugsy B's rapes of the Constitution while insisting L'Emperor must ask Congress first - respectfully, for the sake of appearances, just as was done in Ancient Rome; and the front runner of the Democratic hopefuls, Ms. Clinton, admonishes the nation that we need new leadership while "completing the mission" in Iraq, what is one to do except laugh maniacally. I'm sure Mr. Bin Laden is doing just that as he strolls the twilight streets of Des Moines pondering the irony of his reported presence "somewhere" in the mountainous border region of Pakistan, while America is "staying the course" in Iraq pursuing its "War on Terror."

"Well, as in the immortal words of the inimitable Madame Malaprop, "I distress." Certainly I have wandered far from the garage syndrome, but after the investment of a week, I felt I should at least give the semblance of some remarkable transformation in my life having occurred (note: Soc sent a few pics of his spic-and-span garage) that will give indisputable proof that my life has indeed been in vain (Vain, Indiana, that is.)"

Lamplighter here: Turns out, by the way, there is no Vain, Indiana, or any other city named Vaiin. So no one, Soc, lives in Vain.

SUCH WISDOM FROM AN ANIMAL. . .
If you have never seen the wombat lecture, please watch. If you already have seen it, please watch again.

VONNEGUTTED
There is a new piece on the great Kurt Vonnegut in Rolling Stone, in which he calmly predicts the end of humankind based on the usurping of fossil fuel. Which prompted these observations from reader "Doc:"

"How can any human be so dispirited and remain alive? It can't be fun, unless Vonnegut has some genetic immunity to his own words and thoughts. Maybe if you are the one thinking it up and saying it, the message isn't as destructive of hope. I think humans will stumble along this rutted downhill track for centuries yet, I don't think anything cataclysmic will happen (or at least not so cataclysmic as to obliterate civilization such as it is). It is important to believe Vonnegut because of the motivational force of his ideas, though. A healthy halving of the human population through disease and starvation will leave a manageable group with sufficient technology to prosper on vastly reduced hydrocarbon use. I think this is coming. See the story on suicide epidemic in India because of continuing drought and reduction of government subsidies to farmers? Galapagos said it straightest. With its hopeful Darwinianism. Sounds like Vonnegut now looks at Bush as a symptom rather than as the disease. Western art largely freed itself from the shackles of religion 250 years ago. There ought to be signs of it reemerging as a dominant artistic force if the marching legions of the fearful/devout are as powerful as they are billed. Would be interesting if France wound up the last preserve of laissez faire humanism, as the Americo neo-inquisition warms up its torture machines. There is something to be said for a sense of history."

LENNON COMEBACK
John Lennon “persevered through relentless absurdity,” as per the Rip Post motto, and attempted to turn his fame and wealth into a means of generating human cooperation. Lamplighter remembers it all too clearly, and how so many churlish souls found Lennon’s high profile “commercial campaign for peace” to be over-the-top.

It is now fairly apparent that no campaign for peace can be too over-the-top. How many persons in Lennon’s position, in terms of wealth and fame, have devoted themselves to such constructive matters? Bill and Melinda Gates perhaps head up the short list.
 
For this---for turning his life into an anti-war campaign---Lennon was spied upon by the United States government and threatened with deportation. He and wife Yoko Ono were famously tailed, bugged, harassed, and frightened by government spooks under orders from Richard Nixon and J. Edgar Hoover.

As with Lennon, peace groups today across the nation are being monitored and spied upon, infiltrated and harassed---by the United States of America. The government has turned paranoiac in its fear of “terrorists,” turning its Big Brother eyeballs on senior citizen coffee klatches and those who wear anti-war T-shirts to Bush rallies. The Neocons who are seeking to remake the world through World War III fear nothing more than a united anti-war front.

Unfortunately, they have little to fear. The anti-war “front” in this country seems splintered, fragmented, discouraged. Many "mainstream" Americans have been brainwashed into a nervous fear of “terrorists.” Others mistake the Iraq madness for countering terrorism, when it has done nothing but foster and increase the number and resolve of terrorists.

Things are not as they were in the late ‘60’s and ‘70’s, when middle-class suburban moms and dads marched in anti-war rallies with blue collar workers, veterans, and students. Those days seem distant, and so does Lennon, but they are about to be a little less so, with the release of “The U.S. Vs. John Lennon” Sept. 15.

See it.

ADD LENNON
On a musical note, Lamplighter musically notes that the soundtrack from the Lennon film features songs that have been released many, many times before on various compilation albums.

While these songs are indispensible to the film, it seems that one or two unreleased tunes might have helped matters. . .

Oh, wait! There are two unreleased songs on the soundtrack: Lennon’s “How Do You Sleep?” minus vocals, and a live performance of “Attica State,” his brave condemnation of conditions at the New York prison.

Now maybe this is niggling, but. . .these really aren’t very unreleased.

A version of “Attica State” is on Lennon and Ono’s “Sometime In New York City," and to call “How Do You Sleep?” minus vocals “unreleased” is almost dishonest. With vocals, the track has been availble on the “Imagine” album since 1972!

Of course, Lamplighter actually prefers “Sleep” without the vocals, as the lyrics are a very caustic---downright nasty---condemnation of Paul McCartney, recorded when Lennon and McCartney were trading jibes on respective albums. An unfortunate public airing of trivial dirty laundry.

Yet “Sleep” does make for a great instrumental track (it contains one of George Harrison’s finest guitar solos), and one can see how it will work as backing music for the film. But. . .

Why on earth doesn’t Ono release something truly new?

There is no faulting her for the assiduous, relentless, and loving job she has done in perpetuating Lennon’s music, thinking, art, philosophy through the years, but the repackages of existing songs are wearing very, very thin.

Suggestion:

There are many Lennon home recordings of unreleased songs. Some are complete (“India, India,” for instance), and many are partial workouts of prospective songs. (“Free As A Bird” was one such partly finished demo, which Ono sent to the remaining Beatles for finishing.) But there are many others, including titles like “That’s The Way The World Is,” “Don’t Be Crazy,” “Don’t Be Afraid,” “You Saved My Soul,."

Given that Beatles Producer George Martin and son Giles recently pulled off the creation of an astonishing 90-minute Beatles “mash-up” score for Cirque du Soleil’s “The Beatles’ ‘Love’” show, why not enlist these wizards to do something with the Lennon demos?

Why not turn them all over to George and Giles, and let them do something clever and magical? Slice and dice, orchestrate, mash, call in session musicians---whatever it takes. Maybe it could be a suite, including one or two complete tunes. Maybe there could be songs built from several fragmentary demos. (The Beatles certainly did that plenty of times.)
 
But one thing is guaranteed: it would be new. No, two things. It would be great listening. No, three things. It would be absolutely wonderful, invigorating, inspiring, heartening to hear something new from John Lennon when it is least expected.

The man deserves this, and frankly, so do we.

A NOTE FROM DOC
Lantern-lighter Doc dropped a shaft of illumination our way. Here it is:

"The culture of consumerism makes Bushism possible.

"People do not live lives in the traditional sense, they consume. Major life events are fraught with consumption. The more material belongings, the more status activities, the more gratification of the senses all mean that the individuals who are consuming same are as 'wonderful' as can be.

"Who really lives anymore? When we are not consuming, we are just marking time until our next purchase of goods or experience.

"Western society has gained the whole world, but has lost its soul. Jungle-dwelling natives of the Amazon are more human that we. We are in the thrall of our machines, our materialism, our comfort and convenience. But who are we? Do we even know?
Palliative dispensers like Oprah and Dr. Phil are there to buttress the status quo. True insight is a forgotten art.

"So the cargo cult of consumerism is the opiate of the people, lulling them into an illusion of life. Meanwhile the Morlocks are slaughtering thousands, stealing us blind and destroying the planet. And the more they plunder, the more undone the world becomes. Hence the "need" for authoritarianism.

"The more they screw with the world, the more power they need to control the system to keep power. Thus it drifts from friendly fascism, to authoritarianism to totalitarianism.

"Everything is broken."

Feel better now, folks?

CHERRRRY!!!!!
Once upon a time a lot of benign, happy young people enjoyed yelling "Jerrrrrry!!!!" at the late Jerry Garcia. This was a cry of exuberance, however primitive and tribal, meant to bestow upon the guitarist for the Grateful Dead a degree of appreciation intended to encourage him to make music. Sigh. Those were nice days. As most of you lantern-lighters know, Mr. Garcia's name was appropriated by Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream for use in naming its cherry-with-chocolate bits flavor, "Cherry Garcia." It is delectable, a gustatory equivalent of a fine Garcia guitar moment. (Mr. Garcia did not object to this use of his appelation, though he did exact a reasonable fee for it.) Jerry is gone, and the original Ben and Jerry sold the franchise, but Cherry G. lives on. Far be it for Lamplighter to speak with authority on health issues, but the stuff seems to contain mysterious curative properties. Consider this e-mail from a friend and reader, who shall here be known as Gertrude:

"maybe you'd approve of this. along w some bronchitis thing sprouting from my earlier cold of last month, i have had laryngitis for almost a week. at first it was funny, esp when my phone went out and i had to call repair. i won't go into that now. anyway, the laryngitis became an impediment after a few days. people began begging me not to speak. my scratchy screech was truly awful to hear. it literally hurt listeners' ears. people also began mentioning the 'a' word-- antibiotics-- and the 'p' word, pneumonia, thinking i am some kind of idiot for using natural remedies and trusting the process. anyway, one woman acquaintance, who has sex with doctors but sniffs herbs, remembered one of the Ronis medical dynasty had once recommended to her something he called a 'cold vaporizer.' as opposed to a steam one, i guess. (sounds like my old nebulizer, actually) . anyway, i reasoned, that sounds like a job for some prescription ice cream. and so, last night, i staggered to the korean food boutique otherwise known as spruce market and got some medicinal CHERRY GARCIA, came home, had two 'doses' of it spaced several hours apart, and voila, today, i am nearly back to being my normal hyperverbal self with those dulcet tones some of us know and love, well, like a lot!!!"

Yes, I realize that one bit of anecdotal evidence is not going to sway opinion, let alone the medical establishment. But I must add a second Cherry G. episode, which I related to Gertrude:

My friend, an 80-year-old former nurse, just had her second heart surgery in three years. This one was rather difficult and required a second “chest-cracking” to eliminate blood clots. Gasp! She was really thrown for a loop. Sounded like a feeble old lady afterward, pessimistic about ever regaining her strength. Yet I noted that she, too, had been eating ice cream, and not merely any ice cream, but (drum roll) Cherry Garcia! I was glad that this at least gave her a little pleasure in her difficulty, not suspecting the miracle at hand. I spoke to her just the other day, and to my amazement, she sounded like her old self. Her voice was strong as she delcared that she is feeling her strength start to return. I had a sudden thought. “Are you still eating Cherry Garcia ice cream?” Her response was emphatic: “Yes!” So there you are. The magical, transformative powers once found in the guitar and voice of Jerry G. seem to have carried over into the quasi-namesake ice cream.

DARK AGES
Journalist/author/verysmartperson Jeannette Winterson observed during a interview with Bill Moyers on his fine “Faith and Reason” series that humanity might be entering a “cultural dark age” where thought/reason/art are done on the QT by a minority of the populace---just in case one day the race finds these things of worth again.

Lamplighter hereby dubs Jeannette Beam-of-the-Month!

Spurred by this notion, your Illuminator solicited comments from this website’s 23.7 daily readers. Two such contributions are printed here, first from Lantern-Lighter A. U. Thority:

“We are in a period where there is wholesale rejection of ALL science and scientific method and belief in man’s ability to rationally investigate and resolve mysteries surrounding life. These people want their prejudices validated, and that is what organized religion and unprincipled politicians are willing to provide in return for wealth. They want good guys and bad guys, with no one in the middle. Most of all they want Christ to return not so much as they can enjoy the 'rapture' as to be able to see everyone else being eternally consumed by sulfurous flames. The ultimate validation of ignorance. They burned witches for 300 years in the middle ages to satisfy similar prejudices (i.e. destroy that which – they thought -- they could not understand).”

LL thinks that Thority is right on the money---and we do mean money. What’s more, if Hay-soos ever does return, the chances of which we think even less than Bush pronouncing “nuclear” correctly, and if JC really is intent on seeing sinners singed (which we doubt), the first to feel the flames would be the “Christian” right. But enough holy-rolling. On to comment number two, generously supplied by Lantern-Lighter Herodotus:

“The thought of a cultural Dark Age has not been far from my thoughts these last several months, especially after listening to NPR News. The determination of nations (not just ours) and factions religious and economic to belligerently attempt to impose their plans for domination leaves me shaking my head in dismay. Much as I hate to say it, a world wide conflagration of hatred may be what it takes to sort things out, and the result may be nothing we could ever imagine or want. The ancient Greek Oracle who had advised a king contemplating a pre-emptive strike, that if he went to battle a great nation would fall. We may now be in that lamentable position. We might very well not even be a survivor as a species to contemplate the chaos. If we do manage a few feeble candidates to carry on, we seemed programmed to re-enact the same attitudes, emotions, and stupidity that guarantee we will do no better than in the past. A favorite fantasy of mine is that Nature is tired of our screw ups and is striking back with a variety of weapons of mass destruction: global warming, vanishing icecaps and coastlines, loss of farmland, exotic diseases and pandemics. While we as a species may go under, the world will be saved from us. Probably no great loss, as the lessons of our great artists and thinkers who urged us to continually examine ourselves for what is noble and what is mean have consistently gone ignored, since we have been too busy making a buck and outwitting the other guy to have to worry about making the world a better place for all life. 'God's favorite creature' is about to get a reality check.”

By the way, here is Moyers’ own thought on Winterson’s postulation, from an article in the Seattle Times:

“I can certainly see what she means by that, and I certainly in moments of pessimism myself believe the triumph of the anti-science of the right, the triumph of political ideology that is not challenged by religious people who would rather see their president in power than to see any president held accountable. Yes, and I see the lack of quality in our public discourse as revealed on the cable channels, on Fox News, on talk radio, indicating that if people do see the light they quickly stamp it out. And yes, I'm deeply troubled that our democratic discourse, our philosophical explorations and our religious understanding are all reduced to bumper stickers and sound bites.”

ON PELICANS
Now, your Illuminator is very, very worried about animals, as all the best people are. All the animals, that is, with the possible exception of the ones who enjoy watching "American Idol" and have bumper stickers reading "God said it, I believe it, that settles it." Nope, not worried about them. They seem to be well on the way to eating themselves out of house and home. Or, perhaps, consuming themselves out of house and home. If they don't mend their ways, they will have no ways to mend. But unlike pelicans, humans have complex brains capable of great things. Well, some humans, anyhow, most of which are not to be found anywhere near Pennyslvania Avenue. All of which is to say that we are worried about all the pelicans plowing into cars and dive-bombing into blacktop---apparently driven toward inland optical illusion by a lack of food at sea. So we consulted Lantern-Lighter Doc for an appraisal of this matter:"Undoubtedly there are good years and bad years for pelicans. Some years ago there was a big die-off of seal pups because the El Nino conditions brought warm water well north, preventing the explosion of foodstuff along the coast that upwelling cold water normally detonates. Without this "krill" (for lack of a better term -- really all sorts of organic matter from diatoms to released eggs of thousands of different kinds of sea creatures and much more) for the small fish to eat, there wasn't enough food for those on top of the food chain. Even killer whales reverted to eating sea otters because of the paucity of seals. I think I remember a big die-off of sea birds at the islands (can't think of name) due west of San Francisco where many bird species breed for same reason. It is indisputable that there aren't enough easily captured fish to support the existing pelican population. This might be because of an El Nino condition, might be over-fishing, might be lethal runoff / pollution from land, might just be that the pelican population got too big. Probably several (or all) of these factors to some degree coinciding. Is man to blame? To the extent that the problem is a decline of fish populations, certainly. The world-wide currents that control sea life are shifting because of the planet warming (even the Gulf Stream is reportedly changing course, with potentially dire consequences for all Northern Europe). To the extent man's use of fossil fuels contributes (or causes) global warming, man is too blame. To extent decline in fish population is because of pollution in oceans, man is to blame. Only if pelican population got too large to be supported by normal fish populations (assuming that there are historically normal fish populations, which I doubt), is man not directly to blame. Even then the reason for an exploding pelican population (if that is the problem) may well be decimation of pelican's predators (at sea, sharks, Orcas; on land, larger raptors, maybe bobcats and pumas) as a result of man's overpopulation. We are changing the world, intentionally and unintentionally, in every conceivable way, often changes so subtle that they are not realized until long after the effects are fatal to other forms of life."

Thanks, Doc.

ADOLF OR ANN?
Good day. Your Illuminator, ever seeking to probe the darkest corner of every evil shadow, naturally sheds his rays on Ann Coulter. Is she crazy, or just deeply irritable because she has an Adam's apple to rival Sam Elliot? Or more fun to consider, did she speak the following quote, or did Adolf Hitler? Hmm? "These scum manufacture more than three quarters of the so-called 'public opinion,'...To give an accurate description of this process and depict it in all its falsehood and improbability, one would have to write volumes." Why, it seems that Mad Annie has been boning up, so to speak, on Der Fuhrer!Take the Hitler Vs. Coulter quote test here.

BOB HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL
Bob Hope was well known for political opinion, if not insight. Yet in this rare commentary, Hope makes what is, without a doubt, a stunningly incisive, downright prescient observation about today's political scene. See it here.

MINE'S BIGGER THAN YOURS
There has been much hoodoo lately about North Korea's Kim Jong Il threatening to launch a fire-penis capable of hitting the U.S., and of Bush huffing and puffing about how we have our own fire-penises capable of shooting down any incoming. Accordingly, Lamplighter thought it appropriate to share this bit of pithy observation sent by Lantern-Lighter John Van Couvering:

"SPEAKING OF STUPID - Loonies in North Korea decide to show world they are invincible mighty nation under Dear Leader's guidance and set up to test fire Galaxy Buster Interplanetary Very Amazing Rocket. Loonies in Washington go berserk with eye popping rage at this impertinence, instead of falling down laughing as any sane person would, and order Invincible Never Miss Staggeringly Wasteful Anti-ballistic Missile to be readied in response.

"Dear Leader pushes button, band plays fanfare, stadium full of stooges chant his praises, harmless rocket with dummy warhead soars up over North Pacific. Deep in command bunkers grim-faced sweating generals stiffen in alarm, Dubya utters secret code words to authorize ABM to launch and destroy this threat to civilization as we know it, silos snap open, ultra high tech rockets leap into the sky.

The wonky ABMs miss their target by 10 miles as usual. The half ass NK missile blows up all by itself. The world sees not one but two delusional emperors with their pants around their ankles, prancing around huffing and puffing and falling down every time they swing at each other. North Korea is a pathetic joke, but how are we different?"

Uh. . .Dear Leader can pronounce "nuclear?"

Stella Zadeh
Stella Zadeh was a TV talent agent specializing in handling producers at the end of her life, but I knew her as a city editor at the L.A. Herald-Examiner in the early '80's. She was a brilliant and speedy editor then, who could write accuracy and focus into a sentence or paragraph with a couple of deft changes. Usually while simultaneously speaking to the reporter who wrote the story, carrying on a phone conversation with another reporter, and eating her dinner. She was a lovely woman and a good person who treated you fair and square. Maybe that's why she was so often given lousy shifts while other far less qualified women and men rose to positions of authority at that paper. Stella was all business. She didn't play games. She wanted the story, she wanted it fast, she wanted it interestingly written, and she wanted it accurate. We covered a lot of hard news stories of the ilk that hardly matter a day or two after they are written, and we did a good job of it. We shared mutual respect, mutual priorities, and a lot of laughs. That she only got 58 years in this life, which ended June 7, is a crime against humanity.---RR.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN
TO BE AN AMERICAN?
Lamplighter received the following commentary by a reader who wanted to be known only as "Ashamed."

Since we are all Americans, we are all equally blessed (or damned) by those things the world deems to be quintessentially "American." I heard a fellow on the radio this morning brand as "un-American" those persons who doubt the story of heroic passengers rising up on 9/11 to overpower hijackers to prevent their airplane being used as a flying bomb." This apparently suggests that one should at all times be "American," since being "un-American" is a terrible label to bear. But who is the arbiter of what is or isn't "American?" We all have our own opinions of what is and isn't "American," of course, including that radio DJ. But my guess is that the White House is the ultimate arbiter of what is "American" in the eyes of the world, since the administration makes and enforces American policies around the globe. So hang on to your hats. Here is what our administration has avowed to be "American."

(1) Torture. This administration even had its now-attorney general draw up a memo justifying the use of torture against prisoners, male and female, no holds barred. So when you go abroad, don't be surprised if the citizens of whatever country you enter look at you askance, since you are a torturer.

(2) Assassination. Assassinating the leaders of other nations at will, if we don't like their policies. The administration calls it "regime change," but it is outright murder, in violation of all international law. Remember the "deck of cards" showing all the Iraqi leaders the President wanted murdered? Remember all the Taliban we shot on sight? So when you go abroad, don't be surprised if the citizens of whatever country you enter look at you askance, since you are a murderer.

(3) Terrorism. We have used massive weapons of destruction to kill about 200,000 - 300,000 Iraqi civilians, mostly women and little children, in the course of effecting "regime change." What could be more terrifying than living in fear, knowing that at any moment bombs may drop out of the sky to blow your beautiful babies into little red pieces? This is ten times more than Hussein ever murdered, even by our own administration's inflated estimates. Early in the war we sent laser-guided weapons to blow up a restaurant with hundreds of families eating dinner, because we thought that one or more of the people we marked for assassination might be there. The man who pushed the button launching the bomb is a terrorist and a murderer. The man who planned that strike is a terrorist and a murderer. It is now coming out that our own military operates its own death / murder gangs, lining up and massacring Iraqi women and children to create terror. This is all endorsed by the Neocons and the Bush administration. It is now the quintessence of being "American" in the eyes of the world.

"WAIT A MINUTE," you say. "I never endorsed torture or assassination or terrorism! You can't blame me!"

Wrong. The people of a nation are always held responsible for their leader's actions. We held the German people responsible for Hitler's actions and those of the German military machine, allowing millions of German civilians to starve to death after the end of WWII, without a twinge of guilt. We punished the Japanese civilian population in months of fire bombing of Japan's major cities, barbecuing women and children in their houses, because they allowed their leaders to wage war against the US and other nations. Without a twinge of guilt. We carpet-bombed schools, hospitals, temples and regular old neighborhoods in Hanoi for months because the North Vietnamese wouldn't stop their leaders' war being conducted in South Vietnam. Without a twinge of guilt. So. You are a torturer, an assassin, a murderer and a terrorist in the eyes of the world. Yes, you. The housewife in Pacoima. The retiree in Redondo Beach. The garment worker in downtown LA. The cattle rancher in Utah. The rap singer in Detroit. Your administration has made it so. To deny it is, simply put, un-American. Will each of us have to pay for these crimes against humanity? When you look into the eyes of a Pakistani, or a Greek, or a Namibian or a Peruvian, ask yourself, what are they thinking about you? Only time will tell. When you look into a mirror, what are you thinking about yourself? In the meantime, enjoy being an American. If your conscience will allow it.

BUSH FAMILY PORTRAIT
George W. "President" Bush has taken time out from his efforts to save humanity for Jesus and Halliburton to pose for a new family portrait. You may view it here.

2008 IN THE NSA BAG
Lots of people write to Lamplighter. You can, too! This comes from lantern lighter DP, who eschews capital letters:

"have you been wondering why our nsa gestapo is going to
bat for their illegal data base?have you vaguely thought that, for one thing, it enables total spying on democratic campaign plans? well, yes,
of course.but a bigger reason, says greg palast, is that the repugs
can now spike massive numbers of ballots from minority
precincts, more than in 2000 and 2004. mission 2008 (will be) accomplished."

MUSICAL INTERLUDE
For your dining and dancing pleasure, click here.

ORIGINAL MOVIE PLOT!
Attention, all money-grubbing Hollywood jackasses---er, that is, all fine film studio heads! Here it is---a sure-fire science-fiction/horror classic in the making! Name your price! But the following, submitted by lantern-lighter Mycroft, is strictly original copyrighted material and we will sue if any aspect is reproduced without permssion! Okay, everybody, here we goooooo. . . .

"There are parasites that have developed the ability to modify their host's behavior to enhance the parasite's life cycle. There is a worm of some sort that invades certain fish. The parasite lodges in a portion of the fish's brain and modifies the fish's behavior, causing the fish to frequent the surface of the lake and jump from the water frequently (rather than remain in deeper portions where these fish typically stay) to enhance the chance of the fish being eaten by predatory birds (hawks, etc.).

"The fish is then taken by a raptor, consumed, and the parasite's eggs that incubated in the fish head are liberated in the bird's digestive tract and deposited back into the water in the bird's droppings, spreading the parasite from lake to lake. This ability of parasites to modify their hosts' behavior to meet the parasite's own ends is pretty extraordinary -- and cinematic dynamite!

"Assume a parasite that requires a male host to incubate but must enter through the male's urinary tract. The parasite first invades females, and exudes catalytic acids that result in extreme chemical imbalance in host women. This causes them to become uncontrollably lustful, slavering, mutely seeking to have intercourse with every male they encounter. The poor things have no choice. Real pathos here. I am thinking a once-in-a-lifetime career opportunity for Kathy Bates.

"The successful achievement of intercourse allows the parasite eggs to invade the male. They absorb the new host's testosterone, necessary to create a perfect chemical environment for the spores to hatch and grow. This sapping of the male's testosterone results in new hosts becoming lethargic and submissive (as the parasites mature), however. The males soon amass many female friends who find them reassuringly docile and non-aggressive. Social greeting kissing on the lips between the modified males and their new circle of female friends ensues, which allows microscopic 12-legged parasite juveniles inhabiting the males'
saliva glands an easy avenue back into females, where the parasites'
hormonal excretions soon modify the behavior of the new host female, and the cycle continues as the parasite becomes sexually mature and produces a new batch of eggs.

"Thus the parasites capitalize not only on the fundamentals of the human reproductive act but also on the social conventions of the day, i.e. female fraternization with docile male homosexuals. One can adapt the precise plotting and much of the dialogue of "It Came From Beneath the Sea" -- scene-by-scene -- including "It's jet-propelled!" in the movie. If you need something more graphic, can also have larger parasite juveniles come crawling up the throats of the homosexuals before they exchange social spit with females, who momentarily feeling something crawling in their mouths, but dismiss it. Sex crazy females, emaciated by parasites' voracious appetites, can form vast colonies in the LA storm drains, popping out of manhole covers at night to waylay unwary males. Martial law is declared.

"Army in WWII-era jeeps invade storm drains with flame throwers to destroy the nympho nests. I see last movie roles (and nostalgic reuniting) for Liz Taylor and Mickey Rooney here -- she a sex-starved queen of a nympho nest, and Rooney a general directing the moral and physical cleansing of the City of Angels. Epitome of type-casting. So, what do you think?"

ILLUMINATIONS
People spend most of their lives pursuing and worrying about absolute nonsense. What can Your Illuminator do about that? Stay out of their way. Feel a bit of bemused compassion?

Maybe if I can keep my balance and not get drawn into the inferno I can somehow make a positive contribution toward illumination. I'm not a believer in the straitjacket of karma. People have free will, they can make choices. They should be making choices that enhance their personal and our collective well-being.

But people are kept ignorant of their freedom. Indeed they are actively brainwashed into believing that their well-being is linked to subservience to the continued dominance of the corporate culture, or religious institutions, or Bushism, etc. Foolish apes.

Compassion stings. But compassion is the doorway for liberation of all sentient beings, including ourselves.

No mystical mumbo-jumbo. It's just one of those immutable facts of being. The Tibetans and some other Buddhists have been navigating these spaces of the psyche for centuries. Love, joy, compassion, equanimity are not just some philosophical goals, but are actual transformative energy centers. Good places to hang out.

What a different world it would be if people were raised up seeking those pathways, rather than aspiring to go to Disneyland, to watch the game, to get rich, to get laid, etc.

STAR-SPANGLED BLATHER
This crap with Ray McGovern, the ex-CIA man who confronted Rumsfeld with some simple truths at a photo-op press con(ference), is sickening. Forget that McGovern knows his Iraq stuff, and exposed the lies, half-truths, and obfuscations that define Rumsfeld’s star-spangled blather. That’s all easy to see for anyone being truthful with himself or herself---which, of course, eliminates much of the right-wing.

The sad, frightening, and otherwise scary part of all this is that McGovern was going to be hustled out of the room---even though he was merely asking questions, and quoting Rumsfeld to his face. 

It is un-laughably commonplace that this administration screens dissenters out of photo ops, and routinely has goons carry them out when they dare to get a ticket and legally attend. Or even arrest them, as was the case when Cindy Sheehan attended Prezboy’s State of the Union message. Her crime: wearing a T-shirt calling for peace.

Yes, peace has become a crime under Bush the Imperious.

In this instance, Rumsfeld played to the cameras by calling the goons off McGovern, and at one point snidely remarked that the man---who dared to use the “lie” word---was getting a lot of good air time. Oh, how wonderful of the secretary to allow a mere U.S. citizen to question him!

Here is McGovern's comment about the scene to DemocracyNow!:

"Well, curiously enough, a very large man came down with a white coat on, and he stuck his elbow into my chest and started pushing me back. And I pushed back, literally and figuratively. And it was the moment of truth. Would Don Rumsfeld want me thrown out of there, having asked in a very civil manner simply pointed questions, or would he ask them not to remove me? He chose the wiser course. I first thought that this was him being gracious, but when I thought of the P.R. debacle it would have been for him to have me removed after simply posing these questions, which nobody else has the guts to pose him, that he chose the wiser course from a P.R. point of view, as well."

But the Jackoff of the Week Award goes to CNN Newsbitch Paula Zahn, who like so many “reporters,” is barely to disguise her shallow reactionary nature as she “interviews” people with whom she disagrees. Watch the interview for yourself, and see what I mean. Note how she wants to give Rumsfeld credit for not having the goons hustle McGovern out!

This is truly the twilight’s last gleaming of sanity in this country.

THE HUCKSTER CULTURE
Lamplighter, who is burning the lamp at both ends with other matters, is pleased to have received the following ruminations from Lantern Lighter A. Pismo Clam:

"The huckster culture makes folks think they are special and entitled to the satisfaction of every inculcated whim.

"But all the while the corporate bosses and their political stooges are sneering at them.

"Jesus, of course, has been commoditized to relieve your every worry.

"The big difference is in the news media. in the good old days, newsfolk were cynics with hearts of gold that exerted some sort of counterforce in the mass culture. Now "journalists" are imbeciles incapable of cognition beyond their immediate narrow experience. Instead of mitigating societal problems, they compound them.

"But thanks to the Internet, independent voices can be heard, but I think mostly that serves the "in-group" and doesn't directly affect mass culture.

"Society is broken in so many ways. I doubt it will ever be reassembled in any coherent way that we can relate to as true believers in the Enlightenment that produced a society in the United States that allowed for unprecedented freedoms in both the practical and intellectual levels.

"But as with any species, the adaptations continue, natural selection plays out. they are neither good or bad, they just are. But as we see around the globe, corporate greed and religious tyranny conspire to repress the intellect and produce outcomes in terms of economics, peace, human rights and environment that are not optimal for quality of life for tens of millions. Darfur is the latest poster child.

COMFY COUNTRY

Why, given the national repudiation of Bush and his policies, are there no protests? Why is D.C. not overrun with angry citizens demanding impeachment? Lamplighter queried Lantern Lighter Mycroft, and got this response:

"Country is too comfy and entertained. If there were a draft, war would never have happened. There is a deep unstated conviction that the poor saps who signed up for the military are getting what they deserve. This is especially true with admin's top players, all of whom were smart enough to avoid any warfare and are smug and proud about it. This is part of the mystique of being rich and powerful -- anyone who isn't is getting just what they deserve. This attitude isn't limited to the uber-class, though. It is held by most Americans, rich or poor. As Patton used to allude, only idiots die for their country. And the dominant sentiment is that we ought to kill all the Arabs and take their oil, since "they don't deserve it and we do." Any candid poll would show that sentiment about 75% -25%. Bush does not believe that he or America is wedded to the rule of law -- the idea that law must prevail over exercise of sheer, brute might. This is also the attitude of the Republican party, which believes in an Old Testament God who pronounced and commanded allegiance to only one law -- kill the non-Christians, all of them. And it is perfectly okay to get yours in the process, so long as you don't get caught. Be sure to read the profile on the obscure European leader of one of the Soviet Republics in this week's issue of the New Yorker. Even in an age of unparalleled outlandishness, this guy takes first prize."

SWAMI SAYS
Lamplighter received this ruminative communique from Swami Gumboyaya:

"Funny how these people forget that Jesus was on the wrong side of the ruling and religious powers of the day. Look where it got him.

"What can be done to combat such ignorance? It is pathological. People have a terror as to what is behind the facade of everyday existence. So they buy into whatever convenient group-flock scenario and stick to it like glue. And anything that would shake there faith is viewed as a threat to be attacked.

"The Bush crowd has been adept at manipulating the herd and its fears. They've gotten away with the worst sort of deceit and abuse, they've committed crimes against humanity, against the environment, they've looted the economy, they've trampled our rights. Yet because of the power they have seized over the American psyche, they are stilling getting away with it.

"What new treachery do they have in mind? The nightmare is not over. There has yet to emerge a credible moral force to challenge them. People have lost the instinct for truth and courage. Democrats are craven. The media are whores.

"Lucky us, with our journalistic spirit and the deeper insights derived from our embrace of the opportunities afforded by the era in which we came to maturity, we just can't help it.

"Someone once lamented what was termed my 'existential anxiety,' but I am more content with the great unknowns of being. Maybe age has atrophied my brain's anxiety center. But the big cosmic stuff doesn't worry me. We are "alive," then we "die." That's that, I have no clue as to what that's all about.

"But it still seems important to try to "get it right" while we are here. As the Buddhists say: "Extend benefit to all sentient beings." How to do that? Be kind to oneself. Be straight with those we encounter. Be kind to the foolish tormented souls because they really don't know any better. But their ignorance, which can be so profound as to be insane, is really where their problems, and the world's problems lie.

"How to transform that ignorance in an effective and kindly way? Maybe the lessons of the Zen masters offer some guidance as to how to awaken ourselves and others to the truth. But first we need to want to do that, that must be our "right intention."

IN CASE. . .
You've never looked inside your computer before. . .here.

RANDOM THOUGHT:
You know how people who live in a particular place forget to look at their environment? They get so caught up in their life routine and construct that they forget to notice the gardens and sky and kitty-cats and chirping birds? Come to regard it all as just a place to function? This is what has happened to the power elite in the world, except it pertains to the whole planet. Not including those, of course, who could never be moved by the sight and smell of a flower in the first place.

QUOTATIOUS:
"There is no morality on grand scales. There is only who has and who hasn't. No right, no wrong. Never has been, never will be. This is why Christ died." ---Leo G. Funderburke III.

VERY LARGE PENETRATORS
If it weren't all so insane, it would be funny. Well, it's funny, anyhow, right? How to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb, and all that rot, eh what? Here's the deal: Prezboy Bush loves bombs, especially nukes. He loves them verrrrry, verrrrry much, although not enough to pronounce "nuclear" correctly (which remains just astonishing.) He loves them so much that he has commissioned huge new species of nuke bombs built, all with the cutesy-pie name of "bunker buster." Frankly, I think the estate of Buster Keaton should sue for ruining his good name, but that's another story. And Prezboy and Dick "Lon" Cheney and Rumsfeld and the rest really, really, really want to use these newfangled death devices. They're kids with firecrackers looking for a match, and they are hoping they have found a whole pack of matches in Iran.

In the mean time, though, they are going to bust a couple of bunkers in the poor glow-in-the-dark Nevada Desert, which should be yielding up giant ants any day now. The military calls it "Operation Divine Strake," which sounds suitably James Bondish, and has a little Biblical implication for all the slap-happy Armageddon folk out there. It will actually produce a big mushroom cloud over Las Vegas. Now, this particular 700-ton bunker-busting-buggy-bumper thing apparently is not a nuke, which Lamplighter guesses is good news! So don't say we never bring you any "positive spin" on this site! Here's a little dope:

"I don't want to sound glib here but it is the first time in Nevada that you'll see a mushroom cloud over Las Vegas since we stopped testing nuclear weapons," said James Tegnelia, head of the Defense Threat Reduction Agency. Tegnelia said the test was part of a US effort to develop weapons capable of destroying deeply buried bunkers housing nuclear, chemical or biological weapons.

"We have several very large penetrators we're developing," he told defense reporters.

And there is some more good news, at least for Madonna.

JACKOFF
Lantern Lighter Polonious Souinolop took note of one Rip Post reader's objection to referring to Capt. Jack Abramoff, Scourge of the Seven Sleaze, as "Jackoff" on the Daily Newslinks page. (For the record, the RP did this before George Clooney.) While allowing that Abramoff, for whom the word "corruption" is damning with faint praise, is one naughty, naughty man, Reader scolded the RP for using a "vulgar" term. Now, Lamplighter notes lots and lots of extremely vulgar terms in the RP daily, among them: Bush, Cheney, Rice, Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz, Rove, war in Iraq, faith-based, civilian deaths, war on terror, etc. But Reader obviously goes by a more quaint and parochial notion of vulgarity, and that puts her right in step with the Religious Right.

Your Illuminator had not intended to make mention of this matter at all, but the short comment from Mr. Souinolop simply could not be ignored, so double were its entendres, so potent and fertile was its point:

"How outrageous that a reader should have been scandalized by your frequent use of the appellation, “Jackoff,” when discussing the machinations of Jack Abramoff. The subject is so touchy that I felt myself compelled to take matters into my own hands and see if I could reach a result with a decisive stroke that would be satisfying to all concerned.

"The tender person in question obviously has taken the term, “jackoff,” to be a slur or scurrilous commentary on a pitiable figure who was only trying to keep upright those of his ilk who were in dire need of support - - and much more. Clearly, “Jackoff” is a contraction of “Jack Abramoff,” and, as we all know, contractions are not only useful, but essential. It quickly singles out the questionable gentleman in question, making him more readily brought to mind at climactic moments of private conversation, at least outside the Oval Office.

"Beyond the mere utility of the term in regard to the avaricious Abramoff, there is also the historical Biblical precedent. King James, of course, was more genteel in his presentation of the story of the first reported case of self-abuse (although I seriously doubt any practitioner ever thought of it as abuse) when he recorded the story of Onan, who, in a moment of conscience, disagreed with the Old Testament injunction that a brother should impregnate the wife of his deceased brother or be stoned, and he paid the price that would have made any Islamic potentate proud (I still can’t understand why they can’t just have a group hug and get along). But, somehow, “Jackonan” doesn’t have the same ring of cachet as “Jackoff,” therefore, we need to look closer, don’t we, Brother Jerry?

"So… that leaves us with exploring the relationship between the terminology and the vermin. As to the former: “Onanism,” often believed to be the practice of the “M” word (Just call me King James), is the self centered practice of providing, in secret, pleasure to oneself without the participation, knowledge, or approval of anyone other than the indulger, with the expectation of undiminished rewards, and certainly without concern for anyone else’s welfare. Hmmm? As to the latter, it sure sounds like Abramoff to me: Seems secretive to me, certainly didn’t benefit those he purported to help, and most certainly was meant to be self pleasuring. Sounds like JACKOFF to me.

Sincerely,

Do It Yourself (Why wait to get screwed?)


HEAD SPIN
Lantern-Lighter Hart Pressed sends along this little cry of exasperation, shared by Lamplighter and the few remaining citizens not poisoned with paranoia and reactionary hatred (the entire Fox News viewing audience):

"Somehow in trying to keep up with the news, I find that events are outstripping my ability to keep up, or more accurately, comprehend that as Ambrose Bierce proclaimed, "Can such things be?" One idiotic development seems to follow another at such an accelerating pace that I expect to be hospitalized by massive bruising due to pinching myself to determine if I am really awake. There is no connection between the Israeli raid on the Palestinian jail just 20 minutes after Western "monitors" withdraw, right? The Russians really thought Iran would be amenable to reason, right? Bush still thinks civil war is not in the cards when the body count of Iraqi citizens escalates, right?"
 
OUTSOURCED
Now making the rounds of the 'net and e-mail is this little bit of satire that, when you think about it, might not be a bad idea:

Subject: Outsourcing the Presidency
Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of March 17, 2006. The move is being made to save the President's $400,000 yearly salary, and also a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead the office has incurred during the last 5 years.

"We believe this is a wise move financially. The cost savings should be significant," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). Reynolds, with the aid of the Government Accounting Office, has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively. "We cannot expect to remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.

Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for sometime. Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India, will be assuming the office of President. Mr.Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no health coverage or other benefits; it is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government will be open. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the American Express call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President someday."

A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem because Bush was not familiar with the issues either. Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issues at all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "President Bush has used them successfully for years." Mr. Singh may have problems with the Texas drawl, but lately Bush has abandoned the "down home" persona in his effort to appear intelligent and on top of the Katrina situation.

Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two-week waiting period, he will be eligible for $240 a week unemployment compensation for 13 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit. Mr. Bush has been provided the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited practical work experience. A Greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested due to Bush's extensive experience shaking hands and his phony smile. Another possibility is Bush's re-enlistment in the Texas Air National Guard. His prior records are conspicuously vague but should he choose this option, he would likely be stationed in Waco, TX for a month, before being sent to Iraq, a country he has visited. "I've been there, I know all about Iraq," stated Mr. Bush, who gained invaluable knowledge of the country in a visit to the Baghdad Airport's terminal and gift shop.

Sources in Baghdad and Fallujah say Mr. Bush would receive a warm reception from local Iraqis. They have asked to be provided with details of his arrival so that they might arrange an appropriate welcome.

SHATNERISMS
Lamplighter has always thought that William Shatner is a fine actor. To all who lampoon his lampoonable mannerisms, apply this test: anytime Shatner is on-screen with any other actor/actors, who are you watching?

Well, it turns out that Shatner is a fine thinker, as well. No, he didn't exactly change the world, contrary to what The History Channel suggests in its documentary, "How William Shatner Changed The World." (It which how "Star Trek" technology foreshadowed contemporary technology.) But one wishes that more of the world thought more like Uncle Bill, who shared some heavyweight life philosophy with Associated Press's David Germain:

"I've always had sort of an ironic view of life," the 75-year-old Shatner said. "My belief system is that when this is over, it's over. That you don't look down from heaven and wait for your loved ones to join you. There may be some soul activity, but I'm not sure about that. But what I am sure about is that your molecules continue and in due time become something else. That's science.And that works for me. So that if this is it, you better take it at its right proportion. That there are serious things, but most things are temporal and ephemeral, and you should cultivate that attitude. That joy and love and all the verities are what counts. So I try not to take too many things seriously, and if I find myself caught up in the seriousness of the moment, within a period of time, I'm able to cajole myself out of it."

Yet this has hardly led to blind optimism. Like Capt. Kirk, Shatner is a hard-core realist, assessing crises without illusion:

 "Technology has brought us to this point of self-destruction," Shatner said. "It's the dichotomy of our curiosity and greed, which are hardwired _ greed, because we had to survive because we were always hungry, so we had to gather things, and curiosity, which brought us out of the trees.

"In small amounts, they're the difference between us and the rest of the animal world. In large amounts, they're causing the destruction of everything. And I think technology has put us in a position of destroying the planet as we know it, and us along with it. I'm very pessimistic about the future of mankind based on all the things that are going on now and our lack of will to correct it."

TWO-TIMESIN'
So are you an L.A. Times reader, or an L.A. Times online reader? What's the difference, you ask? Better ask the Times marketing/ demographic shills---er, that, is, editors---who believe there is one. Here's a recent Slimes---er, Times---headline: "Book Casts Doubt on Case For War."  A yawn, right. Safe and dry and who-gives-a-crap. This hed ran in the Times print edition, yet there was an entirely different hed for the same story in the on-line LAT: "Book: Bush Proposed Provoking War."

Wow.

Obviously Times pinheads think they can snag more on-line readers by being more liberal, pointed, provocative in tone, as they believe Internet-inclined readers to be. How hilarious. Here is part of the weasely Times "Readers' Representative" (now there's a stupid job) response, as sent to blogger Robert Niles:

"Neither headline was wrong," wrote Jamie Gold. "I simply thought that the one headline in particular that appeared on that news story on the website included a voice that might not have been consistent with the voice of the print version of the paper (and in fact it was not, which is why the reader wrote). Editors in both the newsroom and at latimes.com serve their unique audiences - but they do not reflect a different standard of accuracy."

Chortle! Yuck! Har! Howl! Haw haw! What laughable obfuscation! If it wasn't for this sort of merriment, Lamplighter's bulb would be dim indeed. So you see, the LAT and the LAT on-line "serve their unique audiences." Meaning that story headlines---if not content and placement!---are toyed with (I believe the stereotypical word is "slanted") for different perceived readerships. But cough, ahem, ptui!---they do "not reflect a different standard of accuracy."

Well, now, let's examine that. The print headline points the finger at a book, and the on-line headline points the finger at Bush. Which finger is it, Reader Rep? Sounds like The Times is trying to get a finger in every demographic pie, and is quite willing to play with information to do it. Consider yourself fingered.

BRAIN FLUKES
Lantern-lighter Zoom brings this to our attention:

"An ant climbs a blade of grass, over and over,seemingly without purpose, seeking neither nourishment nor home. It persists in its futile climb, explains Daniel C. Dennett at the opening of his new book, "Breaking the Spell: Religion as a Natural Phenomenon" (Viking), because its brain has been taken over by a parasite, a lancet fluke, which, over the course of evolution, has found this to be a particularly efficient way to get into the stomach of a grazing sheep or cow where it can flourish and reproduce. The ant is controlled by the worm, which, equally unconscious of purpose, maneuvers the ant into place.

"Mr. Dennett, anticipating the outrage his comparison will make, suggests that this how religion works. People will sacrifice their interests, their health, their reason, their family, all in service to an idea "that has lodged in their brains." That idea, he argues, is like a virus or a worm, and it inspires bizarre forms of behavior in order to propagate itself. Islam, he points out, means "submission," and submission is what religious believers practice. In Mr. Dennett's view, they do so despite all evidence, and in thrall to biological and social forces they barely comprehend."

DARK AGE DESIRES
From Lantern-Lighter Burbank:

Events personally, nationally, and internationally have proven so headstrong in their forward impetus, that I must conclude that the physicist's Theory of Chaos is rampant and in full force. Logic must step aside as the reverse side of the coin asserts itself. Reason has been supplanted by the irrational, and we victims must quiescently compose ourselves on the couche de pomme de Terre with Bud firmly in hand as we watch the world unwind under the unwatchful eye of the Emperor Bush, the First and Last.

It was amusing to observe the discomfort the administration must have felt at the Cheney hunting incident, regarding which (paraphrased) Paula Poundstone astutely observed: "What's all the fuss about? I mean, the victim and the victim's family have apologized for inconveniencing the Cheneys, so get over it!" But now we have the port absurdity, a Prez who is in ignorance about it, but supports it, failing to recognize it is not the corporation that commits the crime, but the innocuous (can he spell it?) individual who plants the bomb; religious assaults in Iraq (surprise, surprise) that seem guaranteed to result in civil war; Hamas democratically in control of Palestine, and Condi getting nowhere in garnering Arab support against them (surprise, surprise); and now I receive another jury duty summons as a democratic duty. It rings a bit hollow, considering we have an administration that seems determined to nullify the Constitution and its bucolic notions, so why bother with the courts, when the highest court will now underwrite any neo-fascist policy because corporations, not citizens, finance the electoral process. It's not just a sad day for America; it's a sad day for humanity, and it is a sadder day because America is responsible.

It would be wonderful if the world believed as we do: However, the world was not shaped under the social political conditions from which we were fashioned. Just because we evolved after centuries of "rationalism", does not mean that our "benefit" is applicable to cultures that survived under the iron hand that subdued the violent and centripetal forces that would have destroyed rational Western movements, as we are witnessing in Europe's difficulties integrating cultures that have no intention of yielding their identities, and Europe is straining to maintain its heritage as the birthplace of democracy (Remember ancient Athens, Mr. Bush?). When Mr. B. met Russia's Mr. P. and pronounced them soul mates because he could see it is his eyes, maybe we should not have been so quick to dismiss the pronouncement as something straight out of junior high school gushing. Maybe it was a cold assessment of the truth: Democracy is targeted East and West by its own leaders, especially when the coinage is marked with Caesar's image.

And speaking of coins and chaos, allow me to draw upon ancient Athens and her primitive culture, which is as about as intelligent as any pseudo-Christian would hate to acknowledge. The cult of Dionysus, which most American models identify with the Roman Bacchus, simply because he was fond of the grape and its refinements, is misunderstood by that same culture: Dionysus was not a god of drunkenness which American males worship erroneously, but a god of madness: madness that resulted from the fact that individuals could not accept the fact that they were good and evil, male and female, rational and irrational, yin and yang. Trying to proclaim one's purpose as
 to be one or the other would ineluctably result in madness and self destruction. Balance and stability could only be achieved by acknowledging that we are both sides of the coin. We cannot separate the head from the tail of a coin without destroying the coin. Likewise, we cannot separate our opposites that compose our totality: We can only strive to achieve a balance that allows survival of all life, individually and collectively. Consequently, we must observe in wonder, astonishment, horror the events that roil to the surface that make no sense in a millennium that promised the fulfillment of rationalism. Nature will not have it so. Chaos is a principle as much as is order, and it will not be denied. Ironically, if it is given its untrammeled lead, chaos does lead to order, so why should we despair that chaos is in charge? Order will eventually emerge. It will most likely, however, be with a new, hopefully, more intelligent species.

PORT HOLES
The furor, hoopla, folderol, uproar, outcry over the Dubai Ports World operation of major U.S. ports can do with a little shedding of light, don't you think? Yes, all the talk of holes in port security could use a little illumination. For this, Lamplighter turns first to Richard Knee, who has covered freight-related issues for twenty-five years:

"Most reporters and opinion writers are miscasting the proposed deal.
P&O Ports, the company that Dubai Ports World proposes to acquire, does not operate entire ports; it operates individual marine terminals at ports.

"All the large ports and most of the smaller ones comprise multiple cargo-handling and/or passenger-processing facilities. At most ports, those facilities are run by private companies, some based in the US, some based abroad. At no US port does a single company handle the operations at all terminals. Furthermore, at every port, oversight of the entire waterfront resides with a port authority, which is a public entity; and the DPW-P&O deal would not change that.

"I am not arguing about the validity of the security concerns that Maureen Dowd and others have raised; but they need to be put into the right context.

"It should also be noted that our ports are regularly visited by cargo vessels from the Arab countries. Why haven't the security issues been raised before now?"

And next we turn to well-known Lantern Lighter Dave Lindorff:

"A terrorist hardly needs to get a bomb onto the docks to knock out the city. In fact, they’d be closer while it’s still on the boat. Most of the docks and freight yards are in outlying areas. In New York, the container shipping is all far from the city in the New Jersey wetlands. It would take a mighty big bomb to do much damage to Manhattan from there beyond breaking windows. Besides, the Stevedore industry is so mob-invested on the East Coast that if a terrorist wanted to make some arrangement, there’d be plenty of people who’d help out for the right 'donation.'"

Translation: port security is already a joke, with or without Dubai.

REQUIRED VIEWING
So you think there is no one around who makes sense anymore? So you think that there are no articulate patriots who are willing to stand up for reason? In the face of ignorance, superstition, and fascist theocracy? You might be right! But once there was, once there was. Lamplighter commends your attention to a video replaying an interview with one such noble personage, way back in 1986. You may view it here.

QUOTATIOUS:
"Could I make a statement about national defense? The biggest threat to America today is not communism. It’s moving America toward a fascist theocracy. And everything that’s happened during the Reagan administration is steering us right down that pipe. If you have a government that prefers a certain moral code derived from a certain religion, and that moral code turns into legislation to suit one certain religious point of view, and if that code happens to be very, very right-wing, almost toward Attila the Hun. . ."---Frank Zappa.

"What I tell kids, and I’ve been telling kids for quite some time, is first, register to vote, and second, soon as you’re old enough, run for something." ---Frank Zappa.

(Preferably if they are not Young Republicans.)

WANTED: L.A. TIMES WRITER NO EXPERTISE REQUIRED
here are many instances these days where it is difficult to satirize reality, because reality plays so much like satire. Here's another. Lamplighter came across an ad for an L.A. Times entertainment writer, and here is the description. It's worthy or Robert Benchley, or Bob and Ray, or Garrison Keillor:

"The Los Angeles Times hopes to add an additional arts reporter to its staff....Expertise in visual arts, architecture, classical music, theater, dance or any combination would be a plus, but curiosity and flair are what's required."

Expertise would be a plus? A plus? Wanted: dilettante who can fake his way writing about anything. What a howl. Guess the Times figures that people who write with "expertise" are just too danged highbrow, goshdang it! Them Northridge houswives are all confounded by all them big words about dancin' and singin'. Yessir, try reviewing an L.A. Philharmonic concert of Penderecki, Corigliano, and Stravinksy with nothing but a little curiosity and flair. Never mind about understanding the music. Or ballet. Or building. Or play. Just be glib and superficial. (Hey, maybe they'll hire me!)

Here's what Molly Sheridan of New Music Box had to say:

"I've never clung to the position that an arts reporter needs to have a Ph.D. in composition to write about music effectively for a general interest newspaper, and have even argued pretty forcefully that someone with so much knowledge would perhaps be dangerously out of touch with the needs of the readers. But "flair" over any need to have a working knowledge of the field you are covering? At the L.A. Times!? Would we let a reporter covering, say, North Korea for a major daily get by with a "curiosity" about the country? . . .If you've never paid much attention to the activities of the L.A. Philharmonic and, you know, attended a few concerts and seen the key players in action over the years, just how interesting can your reporting really be? Once you write a few pieces on the pretty, shiny building, the cool looking conductor, and the obligatory rehash of the budget and the not-dying-orchestra, what are you left with?" (LL answers: Mark Swed!)

"I have to wonder about the business sense at work here, too, where it seems being clever has become an acceptable, or even desired, substitute for being skilled. Ultimately, who will value reporting that is not only aimed at the common denominator, but is being written by a member of the general tribe as well, however stylish the adjective use may be? I might as well call my mom and ask her for the information."



HEY! MORE "SHAFTS" HERE

"Sometimes the light's all shining on me. .
Other times I can barely see."
                                                  z

Shafts. . .is dedicated to the memory, if not the politics, of Ferdinand Mendenhall, the original Lamplighter and publisher of the Valley News and Green Sheet.