RIPOSTE
by RIP RENSE |
|
LTSEWH
(6/01/24)
LTSEWH
# 1: GARDEN
OF DELIGHT:
Call them Less Than Satisfying Encounters
With Humanity, or LTSEWH, for "short." (Yes, the very name is a
LTSEWH---a deliberately unpronounceable spoof on acronyms that
no one ever gets.) Only names have been omitted to protect me
from lawsuits. There I was. . .
At the
pastoral, idyllic, resplendent Elysian Field that is Descanso
Gardens in Montrose. Well, yes, it used to be even more so; used
to be rustic and quaint, while in recent years has largely
surrendered to "monetizing." ($50 gardening hat, anyone?) But
that's to be expected in this, the 21st Century, the age of
"whatever you can get away with."
Specifically,
I was wandering beneath the fabulous oak canopy in the
ancient camellia forest, planted long ago by Descanso founder
Manchester Boddy, owner of the original L.A. Daily News ("The
only Democratic newspaper west of the Rockies.") Crooked,
gnarling branches mingled overhead in Mandelbrot Theorem poetry,
inspiring visions of Byron, lying on his side, scribbling in a
small notebook. It was as if the sky was shy, using the oaks for
modesty.
And there
were camellias on the right, camellias on the left, an epidemic
of flora, their trees bushy, tall, fulsome, leaves a waxy deep
green. The hordes of insouciant flowers were a pastel artist's
dream, from soft pink to rose red to creamy white; the petals
sometimes configured simply, sometimes as layered and ornate as
if sewn artfully by Grandma. And lining the paths were great
shocks of deep orange firecracker flowers, exploding silently
out of long forest-green tongue-leaves.
In short,
this was a holy place; a tiny paradise in this increasingly
human-despoiled earthly one. I walked slowly down storybook
paths, trying to drink in the purity and goodness of it; of the
palliative suffusing the scene. Things have been unusually
stressful of late, nearly to the point of health emergency, and
I badly---very badly---needed just a moment's peace,
restoration. I stopped, taking a deep breath or two, and tried
to feel malice toward no one.
Whoops.
"I DON'T
KNOW! YEAH! COOL! I TALKED TO HER TODAY, AND WE CAN GO AHEAD!
AWESOME! HAHAHA!"
Oh. God.
This was
no more intrusive than a clown at a funeral, a rifle shot, a
2 a.m. rooster, a snake biting you on the ass as you sit on a
toilet. And there she was, heaven help us all, the stereotypical
millennial/Gen Z pinhead, marching along the impossibly
tranquil, delicate, pristine path, blasting her grating, nasal
voice as if she was trying to be heard across the Grand Canyon.
Blue Tooth, or whatever they call it now, in ears.
By her
vigorous yoga-pant strides, it appeared that this unknowing
creature was exercising, and by the content of what must too
kindly be called a conversation, she seemed to be "working." As
much as that word might be applied to "influencing" and other
smarmy Internet gambits. Yes, that's correct: she had turned
Descanso Garden into her "personal space." The incomprehensible
glory of nature was just her backdrop, her workout/work zone.
"WELL TELL
HER THAT! OH YEAH! COOL! I'LL TEXT HER, TOO!"
The woman
might have been thirty, might have been twenty, I can't tell
anymore. Guaranteed, though: she was a giant child, no more
worldly than a sawbug, no more empathetic than Trump, no more
concerned about anything other than her Internet-cultivated self
than a cat with higher mathematics. All her words were
connected, as if they were one big one. She verbally diarrhea-ed
on and on. She gave gibberish a good name.
Yes, you
guessed it. I spoke. Or rather, erupted.
"WHY DON'T
YOU JUST SHUT THE HELL UP!"
I can really
project, but this was a rare occasion in that my voice actually
overrode the demon machinery plugging up her ears. Amazing. She
stopped, turning, and gave me a look that Marjorie Taylor Greene
would bestow on Biden.
"WHAT DID YOU
SAY TO ME?"
(Note: not
"what did you say," but "what did you say to ME?" Narcissism,
anyone?)
I
considered repeating it, but the ugliness sure to ensue was
contrary to my priorities of the moment. So I smiled warmly, and
employed what is so effectively known as a "shit-eating grin."
"I asked you
if you know what time it is."
She glanced
at her phone, plainly confused by my apparent harmlessness.
"It's 2:15."
"Oh, thank
you very much!" Again, I displayed very many of my old,
jury-rigged teeth. Cruel and unusual punishment.
Girlie
Pinhead turned and continued on her little march, speaking a
little more quietly, and twice turning to look back at the evil
old irrelevant "boomer" who had insulted and tricked her. Maybe.
I sighed,
instructed my blood pressure to leave me alone, and tried to
resume looking at the pastel camellias, firecracker flowers, oak
canopy, storybook paths.
All I saw,
though, was ignorance, stupidity, brutishness, and the runaway
decline of civilization. With earbuds.
LTSEWH # 2: COPY THAT:
In my car
with ten original illustrations by a
friend. I needed five copies each,
to try to hand-color them. Just go
to the copy joint, and presto,
copied in five minutes. Oh, wait. .
.
The copy
joint, "Copy World," was locked.
Copy World was apparently not
turning. It was before 2 p.m.
closing, though, so I knocked on the
window. Nothing. I knocked again,
and just caught a
creature stirring far, far in
the dusky recesses of the store. It
was a plump young woman, smiling,
waddling toward me. Hooray, I
thought, I can get copies made and
start work today. . .
I noted
the time, which was 1:35, but said
nothing. "Just," after all, is a
relative term, and she was pleasant.
I explained that I had ten original
illustrations, and needed five
copies each.
"No problem,"
she said, which, in the 21st
century, is a brave prognostication.
Still, I allowed myself the
optimistic assumption that I would
be out of there in five minutes,
maybe less! I should have known this
was unwise, of course, when she. .
.conferred with a supervisor about.
. .how to make the copies. What?
It apparently
was decided to use the Great Big
Complicated Copy Machine because it
could do the job "automatically," as
opposed to your standard copying
apparatus that can be operated by
smart monkeys (even me.) There
followed a protracted conference
about how to use the Great Big
Complicated Machine, until the
supervisor, who spoke with an accent
that erased intelligibility, retired
to the dusky recesses of the store,
leaving polite girly all alone. She
gingerly inserted the illustrations,
and pressed a button.
Oh, it's
true that the machine did manage a
few copies before mysteriously
stopping, prompting girly to waddle
to the back of the store and find
Supervisor. Give GBC Machine that
much credit. Well, they presently
returned and discussed the
situation. And discussed it more.
And more. And also some more, for
good measure. They discussed and
discussed and discussed, and I could
barely discern anything other than
words like "jammed" and "try this"
and "I don't know." (Bored reading
this, are you? Well, imagine
actually being there, staring at
piles of paper as if they were
intriguing works of art, while this
went on and on.)
Supervisor
finally took some of the
illustrations to a second machine
that looked a little less
complicated than the Great Big
Complicated Machine. He began
copying them, apparently, though I
wasn't quite sure, as girly was also
still trying to copy them on the
first machine. So now this was a
two-machine project, necessitating
two employees! What a wacky Copy
World it was! And then, after a
couple of minutes, Supervisor
disappeared again into those dusky
recesses, while girly began pressing
buttons and opening doors on GBC
Machine, and poking and prodding it,
saying things like, "Hmm."
I noticed one of the original
illustrations was half crumpled,
apparently spat out in aesthetic
disgust by GBC. Oh, joy.
Give me a
goddamned medal. I waited
another fucking five full
fucking minutes, give or
take a fucking. But when I
heard Supervisor
squirrel-voicing at length
into a goddamned fucking
phone, I very nearly said to
girly, "All right, I'm
fucking out of fucking
patience. Give me my card or
I will call the fucking Copy
World Police." |
And so this scene continued,
essentially, for less than a
thousand years. I stared endlessly
at a poster on the wall for "Chance
the Rapper," and though I despise
"rap," the poster of colorful
melting candy was rather nice. I
wondered about how pleasing imagery
can disguise such ugliness, or I
tried to. Supervisor came back
again, well before sunset, and
joined girly in poking and prodding
GBCM, also opening doors and
pressing buttons and saying "Hmmm."
Then he took time out to go to the
second machine, and do something
there that I could not see. I should
note that he jabbered almost
constantly, speculating about how to
solve the problem at hand. Well, I
assume he was doing this. The accent
was just too thick. Maybe he was
discussing the Dodgers, or
hemorrhoid ointment, for all I know.
After about,
oh, FIFTEEN minutes (!) of this,
girly announced that she couldn't
find anything wrong with GBC
Machine. Supervisor amiably opened
doors in GBCM machine that he had
already opened, and girly protested
that she had also already opened
them and looked inside, but
Supervisor persisted until. . .mirabile
dictu. . .he pulled out a mangled
piece of paper. "There it is!" said
girly. "It was hiding!"
Yes, yes, the
naughty paper was hiding inside the
mean machine!
Supervisor said something else in a
voice that I decided was very much
like the chattering squirrels on my
balcony, in pitch and cadence, then
girly looked again in more doors she
had already looked in, and. . .
"Here's
another one!" she said triumphantly,
pulling out more chewed-up
paper.
Twenty
minutes had passed since I had
entered Copy World. Would I ever be
allowed to leave? Did either of them
at any time say, "I'm sorry, sir,"
or "We'll have this solved in a
moment?" Yes, and Cher never had
plastic surgery, and bats can sing
"Oh, Susanna!"
I finally
spoke. What a chump, I mean champ,
of patience and understanding I was!
"Is there a
uh, serious problem here?"
"Oh, we had
to do a huge job on this machine, "
girly said. "Thousands of copies.
So when we wanted it to just run off
a few, it freaked out."
She smiled
and laughed. And because I was
acutely aware that any anger on my
part would not get my copies made
any faster, I smiled and laughed
too. It released tension! We were
all smiling and laughing Copy World
comrades! Yes, the machine had
"freaked out." Bad machine! Good
tech talk!
To make a
long story far too long, it was a
HALF-HOUR (my meter expired) before
Supervisor finally delivered my
copies to me (apparently collating
them from the two huge machines.) I
took out my card to pay, and he
asked if I had cash. I said no, that
I hadn't seen any cash in twenty
years. He said something that
resembled Three Stooges doubletalk,
smiled, took my card, and
disappeared into those dusky
recesses again. And did not come
back.
I was alone
in Copy World. So alone. Coleridge
played in my head: "Alone, alone,
all all alone / Alone on a wide wide
sea / And never a saint took pity on
my soul in agony. . ."
What? What
had Supervisor said? "I'm stealing
your card, asshole, because you have
no cash and screwed up my machine?"
"I have hemorrhoids and might or
might not be inclined to help you
further?" "Yo' mama?"
Give me a
goddamned medal. I waited another
fucking five full fucking minutes,
give or take a fucking. But when I
heard Supervisor squirrel-voicing at
length into a goddamned fucking
phone, I very nearly said to girly,
"All right, I'm fucking out of
fucking patience. Give me my card or
I will call the fucking Copy World
Police." I caught myself, though,
and instead opted for a fucking-free
query: "I'm sorry, would you please
go back and find out why it is
taking so long to pay?"
She said it
again: "No problem." I swear.
Gawd. Gawd.
Shame on you for making people
believe in you. Well, girly came
back fairly promptly, handed me my
card (phew!), and said, "He was
trying to make an invoice for you,
but if you don't want an invoice---"
"No. No
invoice. Not necessary. Thank you!"
"Okay," she
said, "But we'll give you a
receipt."
A receipt!
Imagine such a thing! A record
of a transaction in a place of
business between establishment and
customer! Will wonders never fucking
cease! Ready for this? She had to
print out my receipt on a. . .copy
machine! Really! (Bring back cash
registers!) Annnnnd, if you guessed
that the machine screwed up, let me
know and I'll send you a free pack
of the gum of your choice. She had
to press a couple of buttons, and
the thing finally spewed out several
copies of the receipt for the sum of
$6.50. I'm framing mine.
As a post
script, instead of saying, "I'm so
deeply embarrassed and ashamed of
keeping you here for thirty five
minutes of your life because of our
utter and complete incompetency, and
will not charge you," poor girly
tried her best to make amends with a
cheery, "Thanks for your patience."
LTSEWH # 3: BEER BOTTLE BLUNDER:
Okay, kids,
here we go. Had to call the cops this time.
There I was.
. .
On a
"peaceful Sunday walk" with my female superior, heading to
Sawtelle Japantown for a quiet boba tea, and then back home. And
if you imagine that it all worked out this way---peaceful,
quiet, uneventful---you don't know me, and you don't know L.A.,
and you don't know millennials.
(Millennials
generally being the most worthless, arrogant, stupid, brutish,
greedy, amoral crop of humans ever spawned. Other than that,
they're okay.)
So we were
walking down an empty sidewalk on Mississippi Avenue
approaching Sawtelle, when I heard a "tinkle tinkle tinkle" to
my left. I turned and saw a beer bottle bounce and roll into the
middle of the street. Huh? I asked my wife where it had come
from, and she replied, "That guy kicked it out into the street."
Uh-oh.
I turned
around to see a large millennial doofus, Asian-American, about
six-four, 220 pounds, standing there, staring at me. USC
privileged T-shirt. He apparently lived in the corner house, and
had decided to solve the problem of litter on his property by
kicking it into the street.
Oh, did I
call millennials "stupid?" I must also place myself in this
category. Because, as I walked, I spoke to Doofus, in a calm and
polite voice:
"Did you kick
the bottle into the street?"
"YEAH. WHAT'S
IT TO YOU?"
"Well, a
car will run over it, maybe get a flat, and the scattered
glass might get into somebody's foot. Maybe you should pick it
up."
"MAYBE YOU
SHOULD PICK IT UP, BITCH!"
Once again,
as I continued walking, I spoke calmly, quietly, and stupidly:
"It's your
responsibility," I said, turning away from him.
"HEY, BITCH,
WHY DON'T YOU PICK IT UP, BITCH! WHY DON'T YOU FUCKIN' PICK IT
UP!"
And the
arrogant, ignorant, pompous, worthless, stupid, greedy, brutish,
amoral but otherwise fine young man---somewhere between 20 and
25---walked after me, can of beer in hand (Sapporo), screaming
into the back of my head:
"YOU GONNA
FUCKIN' TELL ME WHAT TO, BITCH! FUCK YOU! YOU GO OUT AND PICK IT
UP, BITCH!"
Ah, yes,
the courtesy, empathy, generally forbearing spirit of young
people today! I was, by an reasonable assessment, about 40 years
older than this good fellow. Respect for elders, of course,
being as gone as pay phones.
Well, he
stayed right behind me, thisclose, and I could actually
feel his breath on the back of my head. I reasonably took this
as threat of imminent physical attack. I turned around, stopped,
and gave it back to him in greater volume, poking my finger at
his face:
"YOU BACK
OFF, MOTHERFUCKER! YOU BACK OFF, MOTHERFUCKER! YOU BACK OFF
NOW!"
Best defense
is a good offense? I realize this will surprise you, but it
didn't work. Doofus began grinning, I swear, grinning.
"COME ON,
BITCH, TAKE A SWING AT ME! COME ON, BITCH!"
And he
continued his primordial bellowing, while many people on
both sides of the street turned to stare. It was a show. Well, I
thought, at least there will be witnesses. . .
I ignored
him, and continued walking toward a mini-mall, where my spousal
unit and I had planned to purchase tea, and benignly sip it on a
bench. And miraculously, the rage monster stopped. We turned
right, walked past about ten establishments to the Sunmerry
Bakery, stepped inside, ordered the tea. And then, well, my
naturally suspicious nature led me to step outside and look
back, just to be sure.
And there
he was again, right on schedule. Giant Doofus Millennial had
apparently gone home for a weapon, returned with truncheon in
one hand, beer in the other, and---get this---was looking for us
inside of each restaurant, cafe, and store, making his way in
our direction. I kid you not. Yes, this guy's big, flatulent,
festering ego---carefully nurtured since earliest sentience by
popular culture---was seriously offended by Old Whitey, and he
was going to teach the worthless old asshole who had dared to
speak to him. . .a lesson. With a stick applied to skull.
I spoke to
the proprietor of Sunmerry, who knew us from past visits.
"Look,
there's a crazy guy looking for us outside. He has a stick, and
he means to beat us with it. Can we hide in the back of your
place until he goes by?"
"Absolutely
not! You may not come into my place of business."
Ah. A brave
man.
"Look, I
understand, but I'm telling you, this guy is coming, and he
intends to beat my wife and I with a stick. Can't you hide us
out for a minute?"
"Absolutely
not! Sir, you are interfering with my business! I don't know
what happened to you and I don't want to know!"
"Oh, real
good, pal. You're a big help. Thanks a lot."
And there was
Giant Doofus, wielding his stick in an "I'll kill you" manner,
standing in the doorway, waiting for me to come outside.
"That's the
guy," I said to the bakery manager. "You can see he intends to
attack us. Call the police, will you?"
"I don't know
what's between you, and I don't want to know!"
Ah, such
courage! Nothing like a fellow citizen helping in a crisis!
(Note the name of the business: Sunmerry.) I turned toward Giant
Doofus and attempted to communicate in his own tongue.
This is what cops do for you now,
when you are menaced by a maniac threatening to beat you
with a truncheon? They give you a hug? Really? I suppose
if I'd had my skull fractured, they might have given me
a kiss, too. |
"GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM US, YOU FUCKING PUNK!"
"COME ON
OUTSIDE, BITCH!"
Before
I could deter her, my crazy female superior just walked up to
Giant Doofus and began speaking to him in a calm voice. Seeing
as she is also Asian-American, she figured she might have a
slight bit more "rapport" with him than me. She was right. He
spoke to her calmly, though he was clearly drunk. Maybe she
looked like his Mommy. I heard her saying mollifying things like
"Look, we're just meddlesome old people. Forget the whole thing.
We shouldn't have bothered you."
Giant
Doofus answered in a normal voice: "Let me hear him say
that."
Female
Superior: Well, he won't say that."
Me: "GET THE
FUCK AWAY FROM MY WIFE, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE."
Giant Doofus:
"I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING, PUSSY!"
Me: "YOU ARE
MENACING AND THREATENING HER WITH A STICK, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!"
He laughed.
Had he so
much as raised his voice at her, I realized I would have had no
choice but to get into a physical fight, which, of course, would
have left me hospitalized, or memorialized by my one or two
remaining friends. Again, I yelled for the bakery manager---who
stood there, still doing nothing---to call the cops. If
you imagine that he did this, you have a vivid imagination.
Instead:
"You are
interfering with my business."
I asked my
wife for the phone, which she handed to me.
"WE'LL GET
THE COPS DOWN HERE, ASSHOLE, AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS!"
"GO AHEAD,
BITCH! CALL THE COPS LIKE A PUSSY!"
And,
of course, as soon as I began speaking into the phone, the
big, tough, privileged, amoral, greedy, stupid piece of
worthless USC millennial shit. . .turned and walked quickly
away. Need I point out his filthy, stinking cowardice in doing
so?
Four squad
cars arrived ten minutes later. I explained what had happened to
three cops, beginning with how stupid I had been for talking to
the millennial garbage in the first place. I explained how my
wife had heroically defused at least some of the bastard's
insanity. The lead cop said this:
"Well, he's a
drunk fucking asshole, causing trouble, let's just call it like
it is. He was disturbing the peace. We'll look around for him,
and if we see him, we'll pick him up and see if he has any
outstanding warrants. That's all we can do."
I didn't
complain, didn't stress that he had stalked us with intent
to commit assault. Cops know the laws, and I don't, so I was
glad they said they could do anything at all. But really, folks,
"disturbing the peace?" Really? You mean I can get a weapon and
threaten elderly people, and I will only be charged with
"disturbing the peace?" As Scrooge was wont to say, "I'll retire
to Bedlam."
Well, we told
the cops where Punk lived, and they said they would cruise by
his home and take a look. The lead cop asked what our plans
were, and I said simply to walk home. He and cop number two
wished us well. And then cop number two actually said these
words: "Do you need a hug? I'll be happy to give you both a
hug."
This is
what cops do for you now, when you are menaced by a maniac
threatening to beat you with a truncheon? They give you a hug?
Really? I suppose if I'd had my skull fractured, they might have
given me a kiss, too. Still, I opted for diplomacy.
"No, I said,
"but I'll gladly take a handshake."
And that was
that. Just another lovely, lyrical, uneventual stroll in the
remains of the Shitty of Los Angeles.
(Note: A few
months later, I am delighted to report, this branch of Sunmerry
bit the dust. I hope the manager is living in a tent under a
freeway overpass.)
For more
LTSEWH's, watch this space.
Annnnnd,
for bushels and bushels of LTSEWH's, go to the
store and order the two LTSEWH books! Do
it now! Hours and hours of incredulity!
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