(poem at the end of 2004)
That's what they say before going to commercial break:
Tsunami? So sue me
You can't sue a tsunami
Although there are those who think you can,
Those who think the tsunami was the result of deliberate weapons testing
Aimed at wiping out lots of brown people
Genocide by high tide
There are also people who think that U.S. elections are accurate and that hair removal by
electrolysis is vital to self-confidence There are also people who think the new Mustang
is vital to self-confidence, and that little elves live in their dresser drawers and
angels watch over them, even in the crapper
If you ask me, no self-respecting angel would ever set foot in a crapper
Wonder if they have crappers in heaven. . .
There are also people
There are also people
Oh, my are there also people
Shhhoooop! Pop! Waaaaahhh---there's another one!
Of course there are about 114,000 less than there were before the tsunami
But we'll make up the slack soon
After all, a priest in an Orange County Catholic Church said this past Christmas Eve that
all good Catholics must procreate for Jesus in order to out-populate the Muslims!
Yes, it's time to screw for Hay-Zooos, lock loins for the Lord, get whorey for heavenly
glory, rut for racism, fornication for our great nation!
Support the troops! Ejaculate today!
Of course there are about 114,000 fewer people than before the natural disaster
Of course there are about 100,000 fewer innocent women and children in Iraq before the
unnatural Bush disaster
Of course there were about two million fewer Vietnamese dead before the Vietnam War, about
58,000 fewer Americans dead
Of course more than the number killed in the tsunami and quake died in a single day in
the battle of Verdun in WW I, and probably one or two battles in the Civil War
Of course more than this number died from the effects of a single bomb in Japan, in any of
a number of firebombing raids on Japanese cities in WWII, and in the Dresden bombing.
Of course killing in war is okay, but the earth is supposed to cooperate and keep spinning
nicely so humans can keep using it up
A horse is a horse, of course of course
Commercial break? I'd like to break commercials
In Europe and Asia, they say the United States practices "savage capitalism"
Of course, this is nothing new, as the country imported savages for capitalism long ago
But I know what they mean
Capitalism is amok---it's starring in the new Godzilla sequel, "Capitalism vs.
Mechna-Godzilla" with Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice as the twin fairies and
Rumsfeld in the Raymond Burr part
Conscience and social responsibility are for liberal commie traitor spawn of satan
I GOT MINE. . .WHOEVER WINDS UP WITH THE MOST TOYS WINS. . .BACK OFF---BITCH ON BOARD. . .
Monster trucks steroid schmucks hamburger bucks marketing yucks aww shucks try your lucks
No war for oil? No oil for war.
Oil's well that ends well if you have the most oil wells?
Well, well, well
Hope all is well
Well, all is hope
You know the plot will only thicken
Since planet Earth did funky chicken
(It took a lickin' and kept on tickin')
They say the planet's spin went wobbly
When tectonic plates got soft and hobbly
But as long as it don't interrupt the TeeVee
Human beings don't get too peevy
Got to watch those cleavage girlies
Eating bugs all wriggly, curly
Got to see the Bachelor jock
Pick a wife like cattle stock
Can't miss out on Oprah Winfrey
She makes me feel all warm and sin-free!
Then we have the non-stop Fox News
It neutralizes all Mid-East war blues
And takes away our guilt for killin'
All those innocent women, chillun'
"Cheating Housewives?" Never miss it!
The world can take my ass and kiss it!
And this week's program bestest rated
Is tsunami, quake, and all related
They've turned it to vicarious thrill
For those who'd rather watch than kill
It's the funnest news since Scott offed Lacey
Keep those Americans glazed and spacey
Oh beautiful for spacious minds and empty waves of brain
TONIGHT DIANE SAWYER LOOKS AT THE FACE OF TRAGEDY
If you ask me, Diane Sawyer is the face of tragedy. Her furrowed brow and anguished pursed
lips make a tidy bundle out of horror, death, disease, misery. . .
The earth quaked
And who could blame it
If I were a planet overrun with crazed gimmegimme creatures who were plucking out my
eyeballs and draining my blood, killing my forests and filling my oceans with McDonald's
wrappers and cigarette filters and used condoms
I'd quake, too
The Jesus folk don't see it this way, of course, they roll their eyeballs back and pray
They get sexually aroused by locust infestations and monster storms and AIDS and
flesh-eating bacteria and Ebola and "Cheating Housewives" because it all means
that, as Tom Waits sings,
I got to keep my eyes open
So I can see my Lord
I'm gonna watch the horizon
For a brand new Ford
If you ask me, I think Jesus would come back in a Toyota Prius---or maybe as a Toyota
All the televangelists we laughed at in the '70s, and turned the sound off and played
Lenny Bruce records so they would say things like "Don't siddown, Massah!" well
They are having the last laugh. They outvoted Frankenkerry and his Bride, and they voted
for the Armageddon ticket
headed by President Dick "Vice President" Cheney
Armageddon outta here, says poet S.A. Griffin
'cause they're making a mess o' potamia and it's going to spread
Well, we're all geddon outta here, I guess,
But it's the only here here, and while we're here, we should put it there
But the fundamentalists are impervious to information,
Invulnerable to reason, and like the troops who play so-called "Christian rock"
before battle, they're killing for Christ!
So sing it with me, chillun!
Never mind the blood and sufferin'
Jesus's name is just like Bufferin!
For all sad folks so scared of dyin'
The Bible says go stop your cryin'
For when this mortal coil shuffles
You fly to heaven with nary a ruffle!
Alfred E. Newman had it right
"What, me worry?" is your plight
No need for tears or consternation
About the ills of our great nation
It doesn't matter, this puny life
Son of God will quell all strife!
He's waitin' for you and yours Up There
So while on earth, have not a care!
Let all good beasts become extinct,
So what if air has sulphur stink!
Mountain meadows, trees, and streams
Will soon become the stuff of dreams
Gawd's Great Earth is for consumin'
Let the liberals keep on fumin'
They're on their way to Hell's morasses
With red-hot pitchforks up their asses
And hike that credit, don't be losers!
Only beggars can't be choosers
This country's one big debtor's prison
But it don't matter, 'cause He is risen!
So in excesses all the day-o
What do you care, you've got a halo
Waitin' up there in the bye-and-bye
And eternal pieces of apple pie
Maybe today comes Armageddon
And all our flesh and bones will deaden
But those who believe in good ol' J.C.
Don't fret about such prophecy
(Of course you know it's self-fulfillin'
Destroy the planet? Lots are willin'
The sooner that it goes to pieces
The quicker that they go see Jesus
While unbelievers writhe with vermin
Sweating, screaming, aching, squirmin'
Their bodies wrenched in agonizing
Torment, torture, pulverizing---
That's the thing they all believe in
This cretin kind of make-believin')
I Pledge Lemon Furniture wax allegiance not to the fags, but to the Corporate States of
America, and to the Repuglic, which used to stand, one tarnation under Buck, with
libertines and Justin Timberlake for all.