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EH? BATTLE FOR JERRY
GARCIA'S DNA? WIDOW WANTS TO CREATE JERRY G. SPERM TO CONCEIVE CHILD?
EH? HUH? CUCKOO! CUCKOO!
(Thanks to Punmaster's Musicnotes.)
March 17, 2007 San Francisco:
Deborah Koons Garcia said today through a press aide that she has signed
paperwork with the U.S. Departments of Commerce and Patent and Trademark
Office, declaring all material that contains or may contain the DNA of her
late husband, Grateful Dead guitarist Jerry Gracia that could be traded,
sold, auctioned or sampled for collection and/or scientific purposes to be
in her sole purveyance.
A list compiled by Ms. Garcia includes hair locks, guitar chords, several
hundred guitar picks, t-shirts (black), and several syringes, as well as
hundreds of other items that may contain the ³magical potent² known to be in
the collections of collectors and fans, said one Biochemist who happens to
be a Deadhead.
What this means for several pounds of Garcia hair said to be held in climate
controlled environments by collectors and scientific enterprises at several
locations around the United States remains shrouded in legal controversy and
possible precedent setting law.
Several dozen Deadheads are also said to be in possession of some of
Garciaıs locks, with one, a prominent Berkeley Bioengineer under contract
with Lawrence Livermore Laboratory, said to be close to extraction of the
remaining elements needed to complete mapping Garciaıs gene sequence.
Ms. Koons Garcia said that she is not necessarily opposed to such research
and possible fertilization potential however the law now gives her
proprietary right in several important decision making processes including
designating recipients of what could become Garciaıs sperm.
One Deadhead, identified as Pipe Boy, shorn of ³any remaining illusions
relative to Jerryıs after-life ³life² in my lifetime. I wish Jerry had been
bald during his life!²
The spokeswomen said Ms. Koons Garcia would have no further comment at this
time. Grateful Dead Productions has also refused comment saying through a
publicist, ³We have continued our long term commitment to Jerryıs memory by
not commenting on issues related to Jerryıs sperm.²
Garciaıs daughters have also refused comment for this article but Carolyn
³Mountain Girl² Garcia, long-time partner and the mother of two of his
daughters is reported to have said, ³F*** that shit!²
InvertoCelebro, speaking through their press department is reported to have
finally gained an exclusive contract with Ms. Koons Garcia once the
sequencing has been completed, for development of identical replications of
the sperm that created all of Garciaıs children. ³We did not come into these
contracts prematurely,² he said.
The first recipient is to be Ms. Koons Garcia who is said to have ³felt left
out² that she had never birthed one of Garciaıs children to which Ms. Adams
is reported to have said, ³F*** that shit!²
As of this writing, several hundred self-described ³hippie chicks² none of
whom appeared to be over 23 years old and none of whom could admit to ever
seeing Garcia perform with the Grateful Dead, began lining up for what could
be a thirty-six month long line of hopeful recipients. Said one young women,
³My mother was conceived at a Grateful Dead concert, could that count?²
Ms. Koons Garcia is said to be preparing a 129 page application for
perspective mothers who can read, and will hand them out herself, to the
young women on the growing line, ³Itıs the least I can do,² while collecting
a $50 application fee and $100 ("which may go up, depending upon demand")
for a ³place in line number² so ³these children donıt have to live out here
forever. Jerry wouldnıt feel good about THAT!
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